Dear anita,

today was another hot day! I feel like I did not get anything done, but at least I drew for a while.

About mini adventures: maybe I can make a list of mini adventures to do. And if I will sleep in the garden, it will probably in a sleeping bag, as I don’t think my parents own a tent. The only thing I’m a bit worried about are ticks.

Tomorrow I should work on my collage. Maybe I should journal in the morning to clear my head and get organized.

Hope you are having a good weekend!

Dear anita,

yeah, I really don’t like ticks and have been bitten by them quite often in the past. That’s why I now usually wear long clothing when I go to the forest. I will think about how I could do this mini adventure without the danger of ticks…

A walk in nature sounds nice. Here it is still warm, but it feels as if it is a bit cooler than before. Today there was also a short thunderstorm and rain in the morning.

Today I was drawing, but not the most important things. Later I cleaned up my room and I already am feeling better. I should really do the 15 minute clean ups again or my room will become messy and I will feel stressed. A lot of time today was also spent cooking. First I baked a homemade pizza with vegetables, then I made a salad and baked sweet potatoes. So it was overall not a bad day, though I should focus more on my important projects.

Tomorrow is also a workday again and it is the beginning of summer (midsummer). Maybe I will go for a walk or eat some strawberries.

Hope your weekend is going well!

Dear anita,

your weekend sounds good. It is always so nice to see the ocean. Did you go for a swim?

I hope that soon life will become more normal and that we will have enough good vaccines for all people around the world so that we can all be safe again!

My day at work was a little stressful, but overall I did a good job I think. In the future however I would like to make a few changes. or example, sometimes when I talk someone or am not finished helping a client, somebody else starts talking to me. Next time, I would like to tell these people to wait a moment please.

Today I also helped a client by sending them digital documents. I told them that I will send it and that they don’t have to wait. After they were gone I (almost) immediately sent it, it couldn’t have been more than five minutes or so. They came back to complain that it didn’t work and I looked at my computer, but everything was fine. I told them so, but they insisted I come with them to see that it didn’t work. Of course, everything was fine. Now I am thinking, next time, when I know that I have done everything correctly, I can also tell a client no and to wait or look again. Or I don’t know, of course I want to help people! But it stressed me a bit and I had also other tasks waiting…

I am thinking that I do not want to do this job forever, even though there are also a lot of positive things. My co-workers are friendly and I like them and I feel accepted and sometimes even appreciated there. On the plus side of it being a lot of work, it never gets boring. Also, I learned a lot there and it has helped me to improve my social skills. Now I am feeling more confident and like I can do a decent job. And the pay is enough to cover my bills, even though it is only part time.

But sometimes I also think that it is not completely fitting for me to have a job with lots of social interaction (but during the last days I felt a bit more competent and like I handled things o.K.) And I also don’t like to sit in an office all day.

After work, I went for a long walk. My thoughts were not so positive sadly, thinking about work and also feeling upset because people like to mow everything down (this is a constant source of upset for me), even the grass next to the sidewalk or the stream. But oh well, I am feeling a bit better now after writing everything down. Sorry for the rant!

During my walk I went to the lake and it was beautiful. Maybe I should take a swim there, but today everything has cooled down and it was raining. The cooler temperatures feel good and will help me to focus more.

Tomorrow I have some small tasks on my list, but it would still be nice to go out into nature for a bit. And I wanted to finally start a new collage. And clean again.

Hope your Monday is going well! Take care!

Dear anita,

here it was a bit colder yesterday, but today it warmed up again. But not as badly as last week.

My job has a lot of positive sides and I am grateful that I have a job during these times. My co-workers are really nice and I have learned a lot. Actually, I am proud of myself for not giving up when I was not good at all at my job at the beginning and people joked about me and talked… I did not give up and now I have improved more and have become more competent.

What makes the job stressful is the constant multi-tasking. You have to do the administrative work, then the phone is ringing and people come in and ask questions. There is no real time for a break. Of course, my co-workers help a lot and we are a good team.

But the questions asked makes me feel very insecure and incompetent on a frequent basis. Sometimes I know the right answer, but when somebody insists I might say yes to them. Sometimes it happens that I explain something on the phone, but the people won’t believe me. But when my co-worker tells them the exact same thing they accept it. Or often I ask my co-worker for reassurance, if this or that is right and then I also worry if I am getting on her nerves. Definitely, I want to reduce that!

The job has helped me, it is a bit like a social competence training for me and I feel that I am getting better. But I would not want to do this forever. After a stressful day I sometimes can’t sleep and the next day I can still feel tired.

My feeling is that I should focus my energy on my drawings. And that I should live a life more connected to nature. One day I would like to move away from the city.

Of course, I am very priviliged to have a job, and to work part time and to pursue my dream of becoming an artist. Overall, I am content with my situation. Sometimes I just ask myself: is this the life humans are supposed to live? In front of a computer and in a city with little connection to nature? I hope I don’t sound too pretentious.

I am o.K. But I also want to make some changes to my life.

Today I have done most of my errands and have been drawing. But my head also felt a bit scattered. I will draw more now and tomorrow is another work day.

Have a good day!

Dear anita,

sorry, I have been feeling kind of grumpy lately. Today I am also feeling irritated… One client always starts small talk while waiting. He always stands close to the spot where I have to stand. And I politely replied to him in short answers. Today some other clients made fun of him for flirting with the workers… I am feeling annoyed and embarrassed! Thankfully I will not have to be there for two weeks after Friday!!!!!!

But overall, I like being nice to people, but it always makes me feel insecure, asking myself if I was rude or too friendly or fake. I guess this overthinking is what makes it stressful.

So I should work more on building the life that I want to live so I can soon move away and closer to nature. I long fo a place to call home and more connections to people and to nature.

I need to work harder! Work everyday on my drawings and to finish my studies and to build a career…

Thank you for always reading my posts.

Dear anita,

yes, best to try overthinking on my behaviour. Sometimes it is hard to get out of the spiral though… ButI think I am getting better at it.

You are right, it also doesn’t help to e too strict. Then I will only blocking myself. But I should spend a lot of a time on drawing and learning about art.

Today however I was mostly preparing for travelling. Cleaning, doing laundry and bringing books to the library and such things. The good thing is that I am feeling less stressed now and more calm again. I think I will be able to sleep better now.

It has also gotten colder here, compared to last week. I hope your walk was nice and refreshing!

Dear anita,

will you get up early in the morning for the walk then? I hope the walk was refreshing and enjoyable for you!

Last night I was not sleeping that well again and in the morning I was in a bad mood. In the night I thought again about the guy from work and felt somewhat humiliated. Then I even hit myself…

But at work it was calm today. There were some moments that were awkward and some things I could have handled better. But today I also talked to the person from Monday (the one with the digital documents) and they turned out to be nicer than I thought. And I thought, best to not judge quickly, best to have compassion and be sympathetic towards others.

In the afternoon I packed my backpack, cleaned and got a corona test done. Then I wanted to quickly say goodbye to my roommate, but we ended up talking for 2 hours. It was nice.

Tomorrow I will go take the train to the place by the sea. There I won’t have an internet connection, so I won’t be able to write to you. Maybe at my parents place I will.

My goals for my travels are: spend lots of time in nature, bike, go bathe in the ocean. Also I took my paints and pencils, so hopefully I will also get t draw and paint a bit. Maybe a travel journal. When I’m at my parents place I would like to collect herbs to make tea and also go to the forest. Also, I will see if I can visit the stone in the river and spend some time there.

So I hope you will have a good time until we read each other again in 1-2 weeks. Until then!