September 14, 2013 at 10:04 pm #42244
I have been reading a lot of blogs and books about mindfulness and just couple of days ago started reading a book call Breaking free from the victim trap. I know that I am a codependent and I am actively working on developing inter-dependent relationships.
I noticed today that when I am not sad about losing my love, I am sad about my parents dependency on me or I am sad about not having understanding friends or I am sad about being stagnant in life or I am sad about lacking motivation in my career or I am sad about being lonely…and on and on it goes. You guys get the drift. So seems like when I master being ok with one aspect of my life, I dwell on the other sub par aspect. Its like I don’t know how to be content. For example, just after only 3 months of being at my job, I actually complained to my boss about being bored. He acted pretty unprofessionally about that but I can kind of understand why. Consequently, he has given me 3 projects to finish by next week which are impossible to finish in a year. So my impatience has gotten me into crap…knee deep at work.
If anyone has read my other forums, you know that I am still trying to get over my breakup in late june. Now I have gotten myself in a position in which I can lose my job. I feel like a masochist. I know I can try to fix this situation by trying my best, talking to my boss about realistic goals and apologising to him but my question is how does a person just let things be? I mean when will I learn to ignore my mind and just stay still? I can stay still when I meditate but as a non monk, I have to get up and go to the real world. I have to interact with people.
I feel like I am very happy when no is around me. I feel lonely but the happiest when I am alone. Weird right? For example, I practically stalked one of my friends to have dinner with me on friday and when I told her that I emailed my ex a few weeks ago, she went on and on about what a bad idea it was. I told her that I wanted closure by giving it one more go and i was aware of the rejection iI would get. She didnt hear anything I said and kept going on and on about me basing my hapiness on my ex and how ill do it again in 3 months time. I kept telling her that yes she is right about the happiness thing but not the repeat contact thing and she wont shut up. I was so down after my dinner cause it felt like I was talking to a wall. She is a good friend of mine and she continued to berate me about my weakness. About 99% of people in my life will react the same way she did so why do I continue pursuing a relationship with them? To be happy will I have to be friendless?
Sorry for ranting. Saturday nights bring out the best thoughts in my head 🙂
SSeptember 14, 2013 at 10:17 pm #42245luciaParticipant
No you don’t have to be friendless to be happy. Just be patient with yourself and with your friends who are trying to help you out. Sometimes friends are trying to give you well-meaning advice and can go on a rant about what not to do. You’re still grieving for loss. And that’s ok. We all experience things differently and we definitely aren’t machines where we can turn off our emotions with a click of a button. It’s definitely not easy trying to manage all aspects of our lives at once. Just work on each piece as best you can.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being alone. It’s great to have me-time! That’s the best time to find out what your passions are, do stuff you like to do and grow. But it’s also really great to hang out with like-minded individuals, especially those who are supportive. I dunno, maybe you want to look into a support group to help with talking stuff out? I’ve never been to one, but I figured they may be a bit more gentle in terms of giving advice?
Just keep working on you and be the best you that you can be. 🙂
LuciaSeptember 14, 2013 at 10:51 pm #42248
I do go to a support group. Its just been two weeks but its great. Its a codependency support group. I am really proud of myself for taking steps to recover and be joyful but many of friends think I am over doing it..or I am giving my ex too much power over me or I am just too dramatic. They actually would prefer me going out ..getting drunk…hooking up with someone or to just start online dating to get over my ex. Funny even after years of knowing me, they suggest having a rebound when they know I would never do that to anyone.
U are very right about being patient. Thats one virtue I lack 🙂
Good night dear sister. I wish you joy in this journey of life.
SSeptember 15, 2013 at 2:12 am #42250MattParticipant
Its great that you’ve noticed how your body is in the habit of being sad! I wouldn’t consider you “addicted to pain” but rather grieving and healing, which takes time. You do seem quite stubborn! 🙂
For instance, when we have a broken ankle it would hurt when we walk on it. So we are gentle with ourselves, and use crutches or elevate our foot. We take it easy. Not Sapna! She gets up and tries to run a marathon! 🙂
When we’re grieving, it hurts, and so we are especially patient and gentle. We don’t jump to conclusions, rather sit and notice and breathe. Deciding friends are not good for us, telling the boss we’re bored… perhaps actions motivated by grief? Conclusions reached and decided? Jumping up and down with a healing ankle?
One Buddhist teacher said do not trust any insight that comes from a deluded mind state. Said differently, our view of the world, people, our job from a mind state of sorrow is influenced by that sorrow. Namaste.
MattSeptember 15, 2013 at 6:14 am #42255
Firstly, congrats on your article getting published. It was awesome. I have been trying to nurture my silly, childlike habits (when I go run I can never resist hills…I love just running like a maniac going down..of course).
Secondly, thanks for being so observant. I am very stubborn. I have outside and inside forces telling me to “get over it already….its been 3 months!”. A friend of mine even told me that “I am borderline to the point where people can’t listen to my healing stories” ..again get over it.
Ill try remembering to be patient. I just need to stop listening to friends and my stubborn mind. I am not healed from my breakup or my codependency. I may get over my breakup in a few months but codependency will be a long battle. This is why..I love posting on TB because its the place I can express my feelings and not get…berated for having feelings or weaknesses.
Matt, I am noticing that I am avoiding the friend who have very strong opinions on how I should “get over it” which leaves me with 1 friend who has 2 screaming young kids. She is wonderful to talk to when her kids are not screaming or when she is not running around for her work, her business or her husband which gives me 2 minutes in a week or two to talk to her, if that. I don’t want to shut everyone off and I want to be compassionate but how do I ignore their deciding words.
I am finding it hard to find like minded friends.
Your healing sister
SapnaSeptember 15, 2013 at 7:35 am #42257MattParticipant
I’m not Matt Turner…ie that wasn’t my article, but I’m glad you enjoyed it! Perhaps with your other friends you could talk about what they want to talk about, what seems relevant to them. Friends can help us get out of our ruts, and maybe trying your best to join them where they are will be interesting. When I go to my family, for instance, I recognize that we are in much different places, but if I let go of the “mindfulness matt” and just flow with the situation, my creativity and passion easily move into whatever conversations are happening.
Or, if that is too painful for you right now, accept that it is a good time to be alone, not because you are “destined to be alone” but because it allows you to be more gentle with your experiences. Then when you’re ready you can rejoin the dance of humankind. 🙂
MattSeptember 15, 2013 at 7:59 am #42260
I am so sorry for the confusion. Too many wise Matts on this site.
Meditating is helping me tremendously. 🙂September 15, 2013 at 8:55 am #42264LizParticipant
Sapna, the first things you have started doing, which is a really significant step forwards, is noticing your patterns of behaviour. Becoming aware of your habits is vital if you want to change them. Another important thing is, at this stage, just to notice those habits, and not judge yourself for having them or jump to any conclusions about them. Be patient and kind to yourself.
I think you should remind yourself daily that your patterns of behaviour do not make you ‘a masochist’ or ‘addicted to pain’. Just because you have acted a particular way in the past does not mean you are destined forever to follow that same pattern.
You own your brain. You own your choices and decisions. You may look back and regard a particular decision as unwise or a ‘bad’ decision, but that doesn’t mean you have to act the same way again.
Spending time alone, meditating, is a really valuable thing to do, and I think it’s going to be an important part of your journey and your healing process, as you reacquaint yourself with who you are, and who you want to be. I believe that learning to be at peace with your self is one of the most important lessons we can learn! And the more at peace you are with yourself, the more you will enjoy the company of others.
I am sure that your friends feel they are acting in your best interests. What they perhaps don’t fully understand is that they can’t make you take their advice or behave in the way they think you should behave, and that they may be of more help to you by simply supporting you through your journey. Stick with the support group though if you are finding it is helpful. Or if finances allow have you considered working with anyone on a more one-to-one basis?
Wishing you all the best on your journey – you have already taken important steps 🙂
LizSeptember 15, 2013 at 8:42 pm #42295
Thank you Liz.
It means a lot to me that many of you take time to share and give advise. I need that more than anything else. I do talk to a therapist and I have been seeing her for 5 years now but her schedule and my schedule will not allow me to talk to her everyday. I wish I had a friend or family to talk about how I feel. But good thing about all of this is its forcing me to be by myself. I am starting to like my self after years for self hate. I will keep doing this till I know that outside people will only be a nice addition to my happiness and won’t be something I rely on to make me feel loved.
I am a work in progress.
SapnaSeptember 16, 2013 at 10:25 am #42314LizParticipant
“I am a work in progress”- Sapna this makes me smile. A LOT. Because this is a huge affirmation, and actually something that all of us, no matter how happy we feel, should remind ourselves every day. Regarding ourselves this way makes us make effort to learn and grow and make things the best they can be at any one time. We don’t stand still or become complacent. It sounds like you are doing a great job.November 8, 2016 at 7:06 am #119915MarcParticipant
Admittedly, I’m like this.November 9, 2016 at 4:55 am #119978MarcParticipant
I think that for me, my pain addiction is a defense mechanism from back when my life was going nowhere and I felt I had to get used to it.