July 9, 2013 at 8:29 pm #38312
Can anyone on this forum relate to this? Sorry, I have been starting one forum after another but this site is helping me understand my life better. So I hear this phrase “you have an addictive personality” over and over again. So I have had 3 men that I loved, one more than the other. this ranges from the age of 20 to 30 for me. First time when I was 20, I met a guy in my history class in college and he and went on a few dates together. He was very aggressive with me and told me he loved me in 3 days. Of course I was scared cause I have low self esteem and didn’t think anyone can love me. I cried and told him I felt the same even when I wasn’t sure. The relationship fizzled out in 3 months and after 1 month of crying myself to sleep, I got over it too. Fast forward to when I was 26, I met another guy who fell “in love” with me 1 week. Did the whole taking me to his family as the “girl” thing and then left in 4 months. Fast forward to the present, I met a wonderful Italian man when I was 29. He told me he love me in less than a day. Again, very aggressive. He travelled here many many times. I went to meet his entire family. We were soul mates and after a year and half, he left too. Whenever, I think of this, I know that I am the common factor in all of these painful relationships. I am told by many of my friends that I have an “addictive personality” and that people gravitate towards me. The last boyfriend even said he loved me because “I am hot”. This is beyond insulting to me cause I am good person. Please tell me if anyone else can relate or if these men are just piece of shit players that like to feed women whatever they want to hear. Also, I want to know how I can be “unaddictive”. these breakups are painful and I don’t want to go through them again. I dearly loved my last boyfriend and he ran for the hills when he got to know me. Its killing my self esteem.July 10, 2013 at 5:22 am #38325
Speaking as a man who was once obsessed and addicted to women’s sexuality and beauty and mistook lust for love, all I can say is that I was weak and I allowed women to feed my delusions by jumping into bed with me very quickly.
If my mind becomes hooked and obsessed, I must be in love, right?
If I pursue this woman and she returns my advances, then we must be in love, right?
These relationships were fallacies rooted on a weak foundation driven by hormones and insecurities probably on both sides.
July 10, 2013 at 7:24 am #38341MattParticipant
- This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by John.
In addition to John’s words, perhaps you would benefit from reading about co-dependence. Some of us in relationships look to our partner for our self-esteem, which becomes unstable over time. It can push us to become controlling or clingy, which is not ideal for long term commitments. Pia Mellody has a great book “Facing Codependence” that is very practical, and I can attest to its ability to explain and provide relief and guidance.
MattJuly 10, 2013 at 7:56 pm #38373
Thank you Matt. Ill check that book out this weekend from my library.
John, how long does this addiction last? I would think after a lot time and money invested, it would mean something. Am I wrong? Only thing that is clear to me is that my ex like long distance relationships. But I would you would get sick of living a lie after a bit. All the other men left after a few months.July 25, 2013 at 4:49 am #39156
I have been doing a lot of soul searching and certain things are more clear to me now. I am adding on to this forum because I know now that addictive personality is another way of saying “rebound girl”. I have been the rebound girl for all the 3 men that have “loved” me like I was the best thing since sliced bread and all of them had 1 thing in common…long relationships that they ended a few months before they met me. I was (by their count) a total opposite of their ex’s. One had a girl who barely passed high school while I was finishing my bachelors and his parents hated her. They loved me. One had a girl who couldn’t hear or speak which if u knew me, u will know that its a total flip from me. Plus his parents also didnt care for her but loved me. The last one was with a submissive…”I won’t argue” girl for 5 years and 8 months later he was “mesmerized” by my out spokeness and out going personality. All these relationships ended badly with just me being hurt. I know that if I loved my self enough I would’ve never started any of these relationships but even though I asked questions and stayed alert, I still let these men in. The last one, I wanted to spend my life with. It is sad to know that I was a mere step for him to get over his past. I have never used anyone emotionally for a rebound. Isn’t there something called humanity? When u know that someone else is more into the relationship than u and u couldn’t possibly love them, wouldn’t u let them go sooner than in year and a half? The other men I mentioned were gone in 3 months so recovery from them was speedy yet hurtful. I have read all the great things everyone has written for me and I am getting to know me. I am doing many times better than a few weeks ago but I woke up this morning with this thought so I though I would share it with my wise brothers and sisters in this community to give their wisdom. My self worth is pretty low now and it hurts very much to know that every memory I had with my ex was a lie as I was present in therm 100% and he was with someone else in his mind. One part of me wants to contact him to know for sure and the wiser part of me tells me to leave it alone. The evidence of everything is in front me getting it affirmed by him won’t help. Any suggestions?July 25, 2013 at 6:52 am #39165
First of all, my apologies for responding to your question so late. I missed it completely.
Second of all, on behalf of all men who “rebound”, once again, my sincere apologies. I had heard of the rebound concept growing up, but I had no idea that I would ever fall prey to it. I’m not even sure how it happened, it all seems like a blur. There’s still some shame, guilt, and regret associated with my rebound relationship, but I don’t deny that it happened and have used that experience and energy to learn more about myself and work very hard to have more healthy and wholesome relationships.
You asked how long does this addiction last? Well, my first addiction lasted about 7 years so therefore the amount of time, the money, the energy you spend on it really doesn’t matter. It could be 3 months or it could 10 years, if the relationship is not based on a solid foundation of common values, trust, respect, openness, honesty, and most importantly individual stability, then there is a huge risk that the relationship will eventually fall apart.
My new theory is, broken people attract broken people and stable people attract stable people. Therefore, it doesn’t start with the relationship. That’s not where the healing takes place. It has to start within. You have to actively working on your self-confidence, self-compassion, improving your mental health, your physical health, and your emotional intelligence.
If there’s too much self-doubt, insecurity, fear, anxiety, and a desire that says, “I’ll be okay once I’m in a relationship…..”, “Everything will be better once I’m in a relationship….”, “I’ll be able to get over the last relationship, by starting a new one….” that’s not a good starting point.
Through hard work, meditation, exercise, eating healthy, actively working being comfortable with loneliness and boredom, and through personal self-help, I’ve arrived at a place now where I don’t feel the need to be in a relationship, but it would be nice to be in a relationship. With that kind of stability, I’m noticing that I’m attracting a lot more stable people. There’s no addiction. There’s not as much clinging and attachment. There’s still a lot of work left to do, but once your able to breath freely and stand on your own two feet, it’s amazing how much clearer you can perceive the world and people around you for who they are in their level of maturity and where they are in the stages of their life.
July 25, 2013 at 8:39 am #39184
- This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by John.
Thank you John. I appreciate you taking the time. you are right. i have always been in the mindset that ill be ok when i find “that guy” or ill be ok when i have more friends. I get it now. this has been an eye opening experience for me. its painful but i know it will only lead me to the right path of self discovery. I did cry today for the pain of being in a lie but it was a cleansing cry. it was like taking a shower after a long…bad day.July 25, 2013 at 9:17 am #39188
You’re very welcome. And thank you. Allowing me to share my story and providing you with advice and guidance that might help you avoid further pain and suffering alleviates some of the the pain and suffering I feel having been on the other side of these kind of relationships.
If we both take the time to find stability within ourselves first, we can break free of this cycle of unhealthy co-dependent relationships.July 25, 2013 at 11:14 am #39193
how does one differentiate between giving people a “benefit of the doubt” and just living a lie? I mean I saw all the signs of me being a rebound but I kept telling myself that he is different. I know its a sign of insecurity to keep suppressing your inner voice but i really thought he was more stable than i. is that bad?July 25, 2013 at 12:08 pm #39195
How does one differentiate between giving people a “benefit of the doubt” and “just leaving a lie”? It’s when you see signs of being a rebound, but keep telling yourself that he is different. 😉
But seriously, there are no hard and fast rules, there’s no magic formula, no prescription, and no recipe now how to stay clear of pain and suffering. I truly believe in the inherent goodness of all people and it takes time to get to know the real person. Therefore, take it nice and slow (especially the sex). Don’t rush and really try to get to know the person, asking lots of questions, and reflecting on how you feel. But even with your best judgement, a person who you thought was completely stable may turn out to be completely the opposite. It’s a risk we all take.
I would say, rather than looking out to another person for signs and signals, look within first. When your starting a new relationship, how do you feel about yourself? Are you able to comfortably spend extended periods of time alone in quiet and solitude? If you were to be alone for the rest of your life, would you be okay with that? If someone you loved walked out the door and never returned again, can you feel confident that you’ll eventually be okay and find someone else? Can you accept being rejected with grace and stability?
The responses to these questions will determine the health of your relationship. As you are able to respond to these questions with confidence and security, your ability to trust your instincts to end a relationship or even avoid starting something with someone who might become “addicted” to you will improve.
July 25, 2013 at 1:47 pm #39202
- This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by John.
Haha that’s great. I get it. I know this “getting to know myself” process is difficult at time but i can see the humor in all of this. I know all the answers already. they are in me. also like everyone says “the proof in the pudding”. The fact that none of these relationship lasted and the fact that I asked more questions as time passed with all these men, is a good sign. I should be proud.