Hello 🙂

I’ve been going through an interesting journey of self-discovery and healing. I kind of just fell into it; when I was really down in March I tried to pick myself up again like I always do. I did some self-help programs and everything was good again, too good in fact, especially considering the fact that it was lockdown time. I felt great and my routine seemed to be too perfect for me, to the point where I knew that this cannot be sustainable and tried to bring in some chaos, which is also looked interesting. Next is the “falling” part. I call it my subconscious journey as I was not really sensing and was pretty much running on autopilot. I remember lots of feelings and emotions though, and most of the time I was really happy and had immense confidence. (There were moments which were really painful or sad.) I also learned some new realizations about myself.

When I kind of got out of this state I was kind of positive shock but still confused and started writing a book, or better said I simply knew that what I was writing was a book. It comes very intuitively. The book has a special structure and writing one of the chapters was a journey for itself. That’s when I became aware that I was self-discovering myself and healing. Amazing things happened. I opened up more and started speaking out about what has troubled or worried me. Pain that was inside me. Also, memories unlocked and I got to see some things more clearly. I was good though because I was not in denial with myself and haven’t felt this way for such a long time. Some of the “great” realizations made were:

“I have been running away but didn’t know until I had stopped”

“I did not just only build walls of protection, but a whole fortress with no entrances, and there was a moat and a barricade.” (One of my first responses to my realizations was, “how was anyone supposed to get to me?!” hahaha).

“I have neglected my own pain due to survival.”

Around the beginning of September when that one chapter (which was a journey itself) was done, started the phase of suppressed tears, which were quite a lot, but I just let them and accepted, and once I was done continued with my day. I still had many smiles – I lived pain just as I have lived happiness. By then and still, during the month I learned to connect more to people and learning to trust others a bit more.

Then came October. This phase is where I was able to see just how much I was burning. It is like ALL painful emotions, ones I kind of knew I had, and the ones which were suppressed or locked away in order to go through all hardships in life. I am in pain but I am not suffering. The moment I could see and label (literally said it out loud to myself) all this pain the flames became still. It is warm, but when you get too close to a flame it still burns and hurts. It hurts, but I am doing better. I am okay and not okay is the best way I can describe it. The okay part referring to all the progress I have made, especially reconnecting with people and telling them what had happened, or telling them that I was in a sense emotionally unavailable by the time I had met them, or going to tell loved ones just how much their actions or words have hurt me and lead to confusion and becoming quieter and quieter. I am super proud of myself and am slowly showing more and more of myself to people I love. The not okay part, is the pain I feel, although I’ve managed to smile, and enjoy sometimes dancing. But it still takes me lots of energy to do anything. It was until yesterday that I managed to eat lunch and dinner (I don’t eat breakfast; intermittent fasting). Usually, I would just eat dinner, but even then I ate not much. I also managed yesterday to look for a topic for my bachelor thesis. Or could sometimes still do the laundry and wash the dishes despite the great amount of energy it requires. I am usually full of energy and very much motivated, but then it suddenly disappeared. It’s coming back, bit by bit. One breath at a time, which I understand, but still, it is difficult. My sleep is still completely off (going to bed at like 2-6 AM and waking up around 11 AM-1 PM) or many simple things like getting dressed take lots of energy. Also, I really need to get back to my other stuff as I’ve been giving myself a lot of time off now. It is hard, and I think I am just asking if anyone has some advice (e.g coping mechanisms). I am aware that even my pain just wants a hug and wants to be loved as it is essentially part of me.