October 19, 2020 at 8:56 pm #367968
I’ve been going through an interesting journey of self-discovery and healing. I kind of just fell into it; when I was really down in March I tried to pick myself up again like I always do. I did some self-help programs and everything was good again, too good in fact, especially considering the fact that it was lockdown time. I felt great and my routine seemed to be too perfect for me, to the point where I knew that this cannot be sustainable and tried to bring in some chaos, which is also looked interesting. Next is the “falling” part. I call it my subconscious journey as I was not really sensing and was pretty much running on autopilot. I remember lots of feelings and emotions though, and most of the time I was really happy and had immense confidence. (There were moments which were really painful or sad.) I also learned some new realizations about myself.
When I kind of got out of this state I was kind of positive shock but still confused and started writing a book, or better said I simply knew that what I was writing was a book. It comes very intuitively. The book has a special structure and writing one of the chapters was a journey for itself. That’s when I became aware that I was self-discovering myself and healing. Amazing things happened. I opened up more and started speaking out about what has troubled or worried me. Pain that was inside me. Also, memories unlocked and I got to see some things more clearly. I was good though because I was not in denial with myself and haven’t felt this way for such a long time. Some of the “great” realizations made were:
“I have been running away but didn’t know until I had stopped”
“I did not just only build walls of protection, but a whole fortress with no entrances, and there was a moat and a barricade.” (One of my first responses to my realizations was, “how was anyone supposed to get to me?!” hahaha).
“I have neglected my own pain due to survival.”
Around the beginning of September when that one chapter (which was a journey itself) was done, started the phase of suppressed tears, which were quite a lot, but I just let them and accepted, and once I was done continued with my day. I still had many smiles – I lived pain just as I have lived happiness. By then and still, during the month I learned to connect more to people and learning to trust others a bit more.
Then came October. This phase is where I was able to see just how much I was burning. It is like ALL painful emotions, ones I kind of knew I had, and the ones which were suppressed or locked away in order to go through all hardships in life. I am in pain but I am not suffering. The moment I could see and label (literally said it out loud to myself) all this pain the flames became still. It is warm, but when you get too close to a flame it still burns and hurts. It hurts, but I am doing better. I am okay and not okay is the best way I can describe it. The okay part referring to all the progress I have made, especially reconnecting with people and telling them what had happened, or telling them that I was in a sense emotionally unavailable by the time I had met them, or going to tell loved ones just how much their actions or words have hurt me and lead to confusion and becoming quieter and quieter. I am super proud of myself and am slowly showing more and more of myself to people I love. The not okay part, is the pain I feel, although I’ve managed to smile, and enjoy sometimes dancing. But it still takes me lots of energy to do anything. It was until yesterday that I managed to eat lunch and dinner (I don’t eat breakfast; intermittent fasting). Usually, I would just eat dinner, but even then I ate not much. I also managed yesterday to look for a topic for my bachelor thesis. Or could sometimes still do the laundry and wash the dishes despite the great amount of energy it requires. I am usually full of energy and very much motivated, but then it suddenly disappeared. It’s coming back, bit by bit. One breath at a time, which I understand, but still, it is difficult. My sleep is still completely off (going to bed at like 2-6 AM and waking up around 11 AM-1 PM) or many simple things like getting dressed take lots of energy. Also, I really need to get back to my other stuff as I’ve been giving myself a lot of time off now. It is hard, and I think I am just asking if anyone has some advice (e.g coping mechanisms). I am aware that even my pain just wants a hug and wants to be loved as it is essentially part of me.October 20, 2020 at 11:56 am #368005
You shared that you’ve been “going through an interesting journey of self-discovery and healing”, starting in March, doing “some self-help programs”, and you felt “good again, too good in fact, especially considering the fact it was lockdown time”. Most of the time you were “really happy and had immense confidence”, and “there were moments which were really painful or sad”.
Next, you were writing a book. As a result of your self-discovery and healing through writing this book, “Amazing things happened. I opened up more and started speaking out about what has troubled or worried me. Pain that was inside me. Also, memories unlocked”.
You realized that you have been running away, “but didn’t know until I had stopped”, that you built around you “a whole fortress with no entrances… how was anyone supposed to get to me?!”, and that you neglected your pain so to survive.
In September, when you were done with one chapter “which was a journey itself”, you cried, “lived pain just as I have lived happiness”, and you learned “to connect more.. to trust others a bit more”. In October, this month, you saw and labeled “all this pain”, and “the flames became still”. When you get too close to the flames emanating from the pain, “it still burns and hurts”, but you are doing better, “I am in pain but I am not suffering”.
“But it still takes me lots of energy to do anything… many simple things like getting dressed take lots of energy.. I really need to get back to my other stuff as I’ve been giving myself a lot of time off now. It is hard, and I think I am just asking if anyone has some advice”-
– my input: congratulations for beginning and persisting in your journey of self-discovery and healing. Some of your expressions in your post reveal great insight and deep understanding of human life and pain.
My advice: get into a new routine. You wrote that you’ve been giving yourself a lot of time off, sleeping in the early hours and waking up late in the day, skipping breakfast. Now, there are things for you to do, a bachelor thesis to attend to and other things, therefore, I figure that you need a routine to fit this next chapter in your life: waking up earlier in the day, having breakfast, doing the daily chores and errands, working on your thesis and so on. Incorporate exercise into your day and spend every evening perhaps, writing about your new chapter of self-discovery and healing, in your book (you are welcome to post here about it as well).
anitaOctober 20, 2020 at 4:23 pm #368025
Thank you for reading and your input 🙂
The new routine is what I am struggling with, mainly because of my sleep problems. I do try to go to bed early but would stay hours up late because I simply can’t fall asleep. I sometimes try meditative goodnight stories, but it has only helped once. Binaural beats don’t seem to do the trick either most of the time.
I’ve managed to get in some lunch for the last 3 days (I don’t eat breakfast because I do intermittent fasting which makes me feel better personally). It does cost lots of energy and can be quite challenging, but I slowly getting there.
I do exercise, quite a lot, but had to dial down because of lack of energy which keeps my muscles and bones sore for a lot longer (and my worsened sleep schedule and lack of nutrition intake probably count to this). But today I started doing more low impact workouts and started walking more instead of actually doing workouts. Spontaneously I dance when I hear good music to dance to, but that really does happen spontaneously and I just go with it since afterward I know I’ll feel better.
I had my first session with a counselor and it helped clarify or better said give me a specific wording as to what I am having trouble with, which is balancing my emotional and physical self-care. I have been currently dealing a lot with the emotional self-care and find myself in new territory. Hearing these words seemed to have shifted something within my thinking pattern and tackle creating a routine in a new way. Let’s see how it will go.
However, if you or anyone else, has some good ideas of how to fall asleep, I would be glad to hear it. I already tried a warm glass of milk, do not like listening to podcasts, the goodnight stories help only sometimes, and binaural beats.
Usually, I am fast to fall asleep. Also, it is my first time that I have experienced falling asleep rather difficult for an elongated period of time. It is getting better though. From 5-6AM, I fall asleep from 2-3AM. I still have a way to go, if I want to be back at my 10-11:30PM routine.
KibouOctober 20, 2020 at 4:30 pm #368027
I will be able to read and reply to your recent thread in about 14-16 hours from now.
anitaOctober 21, 2020 at 10:30 am #368053
You shared that you “simply can’t fall asleep”, but you have managed recently to fall asleep earlier than before; that you prefer to not have breakfast and it makes you feel better (so you don’t intend to start eating breakfast), that you “managed to get in some lunch for the past 3 days”; that you “exercise, quite a lot” and experience sore muscles as a result, that you had a session with a counselor who suggested that you balance your “emotional and physical self-care”, and you asked for “good ideas of how to fall asleep”. My ideas/ thoughts:
1. Continue to do “more low impact workouts and.. walking more” instead of high impact workouts, and do so regularly, as part of a daily routine. Walk instead of jogging or running. A regular, low impact exercise, and not having sore muscles is congruent with better sleep.
2. Have regular, nutritious lunch and dinner, or a few small meals starting at lunch and onward. Make sure you consume enough protein and healthy oils, as well as fiber, vitamins and minerals.
3. Don’t try hard to fall asleep at night. Adopt a non-attachment attitude to falling asleep: if it happens, it happens; if it doesn’t- it will eventually happen.
4. Avoid extremes in every area; Moderation is key.
anitaOctober 21, 2020 at 11:21 am #368056
thank you for your advice.
I will follow the advice and definitely try to adopt a non-attachment attitude to falling asleep.
ShannonOctober 21, 2020 at 11:30 am #368057
Dear Kibou/ Shannon:
You are welcome. Post again anytime.