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April 1, 2019 at 6:22 pm #287247
AnonymousInactiveHi anita
I was really tired the last couple of days. I did not have any energy left to even look at my phone. I will write back again, give me a few days. I know you have no personal agenda, you are a good person 🙂
Girija
April 2, 2019 at 6:53 am #287281AnonymousGuestDear Girija:
Thank you for writing to me that I am a good person, it feels good for me to read it. I hope you rest and do take your time. I thought I will not read from you again, so glad you posted.
anita
April 3, 2019 at 8:41 am #287381AnonymousInactiveDear anita
I 100 percent agree my mom did not make a good parent, and that the longer I stay with her the more i am prolonging the damage.
To move or to do anything with my life – including moving/ finding another job I need to overcome a few things which my mom has a role in causing but she sure cannot solve it nor can I by simply acknowledging she caused it.I need to get into action. I am blocked there, severely. I think i know why –
I hate my life. I reeeally hate it. I hate my childhood, i hate my family, i hate my co workers, i hate that i have to get a job and go do it no matter what mental state i am in. I hate that I did not get to have a breakdown (which was externally visible) like the rest of my family did. I hate the criticism i receive for just being. I hate the criticism for trying. I hate that I have to try when i am broken inside. Why should i try at all? All these people in my life don’t care about me. I hate that. I care, why can’t they? And it is not about meeting new people. Everybody is like this – people treat you based on how they size you up – i hate that.
I hate how i have never achieved anything. I hate the people who define what i should achieve. I hate that i cannot do anything about that. I hate that there is nothing to back myself up in the outside world as valuable – at work mainly. Naturally i feel triggered when someone gets ahead or I am pressured to achieve something i don’t want to achieve. Is it their fault? Nope. Is it mine? Noope. I don’t care whose fault it is. I hate my life. I should then probably change it right? I hate that i am not able to. What do i change it to? What do i change to?
I hate that i am damaged. I hate that i have to pretend to not be damaged. I hate that the external signs of damage are funny to other people. I hate that the damage makes me less valuable and more prone to disdain. I hate that it is so hard for people to mind their business. I also hate that people are so into self preservation they will throw you under a bus. I hate that my purpose is for somebody to get something out of me. I feel used – at work that will continue if it is a different job. At home – well i will be a lonely spinster anyways, i will hate that. I hate that I am unattractive, unproductive, anti social, not smart enough etc.
I want to change everything but none of it can truly be changed. I hate that. I don’t want to be me anymore.
This is what i have after close to a week of turmoil.
Girija
April 3, 2019 at 9:03 am #287389AnonymousGuestDear Girija:
I will persist with the image of the bird. You were born a small bird with wings but unable to fly, not yet. Then, within the context of your family, your wings were damaged, and instead of growing out of your nest, the nest grew bigger and bigger. As you interacted with the world outside, your workplace in particular, you see that the nest is even bigger and you are too small in this ever growing nest.
It is not a nest of comfort, it is a trap and it looks way too big, as if there is nothing out there for you but this undesirable nest, one that you hate!
What is the point, the bird asks, what is the point of me flying, even if I could, even if my wings were bandaged and made functional, what is the point of flying away if there is no place desirable to fly to?
Am I understanding correctly?
anita
April 3, 2019 at 9:16 am #287393AnonymousInactiveDear anita
Yes. There is no desirable place to fly to. Also, this bird hates everything, including not knowing how to bandage the wings hence no question of flying. The analogy aside. I am not able to move forward. I am seriously overwhelmed with this nonsense of a life. There is nothing good here. I am not good enough to figure out what to fix in myself. How do i fix the damage? I am literally finding it hard to do my job. I am finding it hard to just live through each day. I hate everything right now. Why did i have to get these circumstances.
Girija
April 3, 2019 at 9:50 am #287399AnonymousGuestDear Girija:
“Why did I have to get these circumstances”- I will ask myself the same question: why did I, anita, had to get the circumstances I was born into?
Well, the only potentially comforting answer I have for you is that lots and lots and lots of people are born into undesirable circumstances. I am one of many millions of people, and so are you.
When I was your age I had a dream, to exit those circumstances, to set myself free. There was a movie I watched at the time, The Never Ending Story, the original (I saw a sequel I didn’t care about years later). This movie was about a child leaving his circumstances on a quest, a journey. That movie motivated me to leave my mother, the country I was born in, to cross two oceans and land in the great land of the USA.
I proceeded to fly, a bit, at least, and I know my wings were strong enough to fly high and far, but I made the mistake of going back to my mother and later I accepted and even invited her to visit me in the US. After each visit with her, it took me time to recover. After a dozen visits or so, I no longer recovered.
But the movie, it did motivate me to leave, and if I didn’t go back, I would be flying high above for all these years when I crawled instead. Maybe you can watch it, maybe it will create that emotional desire in you. Maybe not because the movie is old and lacks the technological special effects available today.
anita
April 3, 2019 at 10:00 am #287407AnonymousInactiveDear anita
I will be sure to check the movie out.
Girija
April 3, 2019 at 10:07 am #287411AnonymousGuestDear Girija:
Let me know what you think about it, after watching it. Try to not let its lesser technology interfere with the experience.
anita
April 3, 2019 at 10:18 am #287413AnonymousInactiveI will let you know about the movie, anita.
I am a bit concerned that motivation does not work for me. I have watched a lot of videos on self doubt, hard work and what not. It does not translate to action for me. I actually think that part of me died when i was younger – the part that could go after things. I am more a plant that a bird i am afraid.
April 3, 2019 at 10:38 am #287415AnonymousGuestDear Girija:
You are not dead yet. And you are not a plant. It only feels to you that you are these things. I can’t argue with how you feel, of course. I respect your feelings for what they are and will not suggest that you feel any different than you feel now. What I am saying is that you are alive and you are not a plant, of that I am sure.
Here is the problem as I see it: you can’t feel alive for as long as you are in the nest where you are. And you can’t leave that nest for as long as you don’t feel alive. If you felt alive, you could leave, but you don’t, so there is nothing pushing you to leave that nest.
I suppose you are more like those “living dead” in the zombie, science fiction movies. I remember a scene from one of those movies- a doctor of some kind holding food in front of a zombie, the zombie moving toward the food and the doctor said: the zombie doesn’t have a digestive system to digest this food, but he still has the desire for the food.
You, Girija, still have a desire, this is why you are suffering. Get in touch with your desire. Tell me a bit about it.
anita
April 4, 2019 at 9:20 pm #287657AnonymousInactiveHi anita,
After getting 2 ct scans, my mom now has to undergo a pet ct scan to check if she has cancer, earlier it was taken to be pneumonia, now it is TB or cancer or another lung infection. I will not be visiting this forum for a while. Thank you for your support here.
Girija
April 5, 2019 at 7:54 am #287687AnonymousGuestDear Girija:
You are welcome. Please take good care of yourself- you matter, your well being matters and your quality of life matters. Be good to yourself.
If and when you return to your thread (or start a new one), I will be glad to read and reply to you. I wish you well.
anita
May 1, 2019 at 1:08 am #291951AnonymousInactiveHi anita
There are a lot of things happening right now in my life. But time and again the same question haunts me – what am i living for?
I am finding it harder as the days go by to fit in. Some places i have to, like work. And it is not just this team or manager, i am really not able to handle other people, including family and friends. I don’t want to interact with people anymore. I don’t want to be the recipient of their moods, needs and rudeness. I see no point in bearing all of this. I wanted to quit work and take a break. But then my mother’s diagnosis came, i mentioned i could quit to take care of her as there is nobody else to do so and she said i can’t do that as we need the money. In that moment i realized i am a prisoner. The situation is very bad. Let’s say my dad after losing his last job had 2x, x of it was used up to clear a loan in one shot. And the other x has close to depleted. The reason my money was not used till now is because monthly expenses come from our tenant’s rent. If i quit there is no money for medical expenses.
My issue is my father. My mom and sister have gone to a different state for treatment. All he has to do is cook when i have to go to work. But he is so rigid. It is as if he is doing us a favour. And I realized how selfish it is of him to not even try to get another job.
All this made me realize – i am the only one in my family who has yet to have a “public breakdown”. Everyone else has gone off when they wanted to. My mother could get treated here, it is even better. But she says ” i won’t have rest”. Which is a lie. She chose this life and leaves when it is convenient. They got married and they had me in the same way people install an atm and it is ridiculous. They feel no guilt for putting the burden on me.
And i feel so manipulated by my mother. On some days when i was too overwhelmed by work and said i wish i could quit, my mother used to say oh of course you can wuit but it is just that people need something to occupy their minds with. I really believed she meant that. On the other hand when i once called her crying from work she cried on the other side, it makes no sense.
Even if i left – the world outside seems no better.
Girija
May 1, 2019 at 11:46 am #292013AnonymousGuestDear Girija:
There is a place for you in this world where you will not be a prisoner. In a sense we are all prisoners in that we have to follow laws (and if we don’t, we may end up in prison with its own unwritten laws), and rules such as in the work place (and if we don’t, we will be unemployed)-
– but there is a place for you, Girija, somewhere in this world that is best for you, never completely free, as there is no such thing, but as free as can be.
It means, there is a place for you in the world where:
– you can have your own room, and be free to do as you please in that room, without being watched by your mother and sister who have shared that one room with you.
– you can live in an apartment without your father and grandmother who you clearly dislike.
– you can live without your mother who has damaged you and manipulates you still.
– you can work and make more money than you are making now and you can keep that money and use it for your purposes, what you want, how you want.
-you can choose who you associate with, at least outside of work. If you don’t like 99% of the people out there, you have the freedom to spend time with just that 1%.
But none of these as-free-as-can-be living options are available for you without enduring the (unjustified) guilt that is involved in leaving behind the people … leaving behind the people who don’t care about you!
There is nothing I can do to take away this unjustified guilt. I have wasted decades of my life because of this unjustified guilt, all my youth gone, wasted in that guilt.
This guilt is like dirty oil in a bird’s feathers, making it impossible to fly. So the bird is stuck with that sticky, dirty oil until she dies.
Or… maybe that bird can stumble to a clear little pond and clean her wings, then dry them in the pleasant sun, and fly away.
anita
May 5, 2019 at 9:37 am #292451AnonymousInactiveHi anita,
I am not able to fight through.
Today my mother was to have gotten admitted for the surgery tomorrow. But looking at how the coordinator worked my mom, sister and I cancelled the insurance claim and came back as we lost confidence. We are in a different state so my aunts can support us. We now have to hear about how the doctor is the best and how we need to see the loop holes and know to use “people tactics”
I can’t do this anymore. Weeks after weeks of meeting doctors and coming back with no progress and i want to give up but i can’t. And people want to prove they are competent more than anything. I am tired. I want to give up. I don’t know how to move forward
Girija
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