Dear gj:

Yes, it is disappointing and painful to be alone, have no one to depend on.

But what this also means is that you don’t owe your mother or your father anything, you’ve been by yourself all along, no togetherness to reciprocate. You can leave your parents’ home anytime, and … learn how to be, how to behave, on your own, elsewhere, as far away as possible.

anita

Dear gj:

“I don’t think it is fear”-

If it is not fear, what is it then?

anita

Dear gj:

Maybe it is about that “learned helplessness” that I mentioned to you before- this learned helplessness is about believing that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you will not succeed. This belief kills motivation- why try if success will not happen, is the thinking behind the lack of motivation.

If you think this may be the case, will you tell me what happened with all that studying in high school, what was your goal then, what would success has meant to you at the time, that is, if you got excellent grades, what would happen next?

anita

Dear gj:

Your goal was to get good grades so to “secure the best future possible- a good job”-

-can you describe that “best future possible” that you thought about when you were in 6th- 8th grade: where will you be living, with your parents or alone, or married, children? How will your every day be like, what will you be doing with your time, how will you be feeling? And who will be loving you in this best future possible?

anita

Dear gj:

You asked me how do I define  love, here is my answer:

When you love pizza, you want to eat it when you smell it, your mouth salivates, you eat it and enjoy it, then you want more.

When you love a photograph of a person, you put it in a nice frame,  hang the photograph on the wall or place it on your desk or carry it in your purse and you look at it from time to time, feeling a joy in your heart when you look at it.

When you love playing chess, you enjoy playing it, time goes by quickly, you forget all your troubles, being totally focused on the game. You keep all the parts of the game clean, neat and safe, so to be able to play again anytime.

When you love a dog, you feed it and take it out, if it gets injured you care for it, take it to the vet, you give him a bath once in a while so to keep him in the house and enjoy the dog’s company indoors, you pet it, you play with it sometimes, you don’t kick it or hit it or otherwise mistreat it.

When you love a person, you never hit or yell at the person, never call him or her names, never say insulting things (ex.,  you-are-worthless). You get angry at him or her sometimes, but you don’t mistreat him or her. You maintain a no aggression policy with that person at all times.

You sometimes ask the person: how are you, how do you feel? And you sometimes ask the person: what do you think about this and that? You ask because you are curious about what the person thinks, what he or she values, what motivates him or her, is he or she content or not content, what does he or she want in life.

Sometimes, when the person looks sad, you ask: what is happening? You feel a bit of pain seeing him or her sad and you want to know why the person is sad and if there is something you can do to help. When you see that person happy, you feel pleased.

Sometimes you don’t pay attention to the person you love and live with, being otherwise occupied for hours, but you are attentive sometime during any one day. When you are not attentive, if the person says: I need your help- you pay attention, you want to help and you do your best to help.

When you love a person you keep your word to him or her, you want the person to trust you and you want to be 100% worthy of that trust.

anita

Dear gj:

You are welcome.

“I don’t think I should move for love”- to find and have a loving relationship is a long term goal. Many people in any and every country don’t have that, it is not specific to a country, culture, or economic status: love between adults is rare everywhere. Therefore, it makes no sense to arrive at any one location with the expectation that upon arrival, there is love there to be had.

Moving will make sense if it significantly increases your chances of finding and maintaining a love relationship with a man. Living with your mother and sibling in the same bedroom, in a home without love, in a place where arranged marriages is the practice (marriages arranged by unqualified people!), – these are circumstances that significantly limit your chances of being in a loving relationship.

Regarding your  looks, if I remember correctly, you are troubled by being too tall, correct? Well, there are countries where men are taller than where you are living, something to consider.

“I see well functioning people like my cousins that are like machines, they do not have love either yet they don’t struggle like I do”- they struggle in different ways, they suffer too, just not in the same exact ways you do. Humans cannot live contently as machines. We all need love. Think about the very successful people in the west, international movie stars, making millions of dollars, living in material luxury, without love, they struggle too, Robin Williams, for example, he struggled a lot, for a long time.

“Do you think people do all that because they know they are expected to? Would it still be love if you have to tell someone the way you have to be treated?”- if a person treats you in a loving way, then it is love regardless of you telling the person how to treat you or he/s he treating you lovingly without being told. If a person acts lovingly toward you following listening to you,  thinking and planning how to be loving in actions, that is even more loving than a person who effortlessly acts on love that is spontaneously felt.

“I have never done all that for anyone nor have I seen anyone do that”- we  don’t know something is possible until and unless we experience it. No way for you to experience it until and unless you take a leap of faith, believing it is possible and then making choices so to significantly increase your chances of experiencing love.

anita

Dear gj:

First thing to do is to calm down and not be alarmed for not feeling passion or motivation. Accept that you do have the option to do not do anything at all.

Have your well being in mind. If it is better for you at this time, or at anytime, to do nothing at all, then do nothing at all. You don’t have to follow anyone else’s idea of what is right for you to  do. It is your life, you decide.

It is every person’s need to live a purposeful life, to move toward a goal. Because a big goal is overwhelming, establish a small goal, a doable goal, one that can relatively easily be accomplished today. Then go about it and achieve it. Do this every day, or every other day, get used to setting small goals and achieving them. This will give you the practice you need to one day, maybe, if you choose so, to set a bigger goal and go about achieving it.

anita