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  • #176763
    Elisabeth
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    It’s been a while since I last posted. Over the summer, I took a temporary position in Las Vegas and met a guy who I liked at work. I have since moved back to Alaska, but we have continued to talk, which informally bridged into a long distance relationship. He has came up to visited me once and I have plans to go see him next week.

    For the most part, things were going well, but I have noticed that some days, he is more open than others. Also, he works in a profession that can be stressful and has a boss who calls him to come in on days that he has scheduled off. I used to have the same boss and noticed that she does this with people who do not have firm boundaries about work. I’m adding this information because we had tentative plans for me to see  him one weekend in Nov, Dec, and Jan. However, he told me that since he will not be able to take time off, that he would only be able to hang out on the weekend. Being that I am flying from Alaska and flights are limited, I would either need to take off one day from work OR fly in to see him only on Saturday. Its about 7-8 hours to fly there and honestly, I don’t think it’s worth putting in the time to spend only one day with someone.

    I told him that it feels like I am the only one who is putting in the energy to make this relationship work.We had a discussion about this a week prior where I told him that I feel like I am the one who calls more or sends text. He didn’t really argue my point or even fight to keep this going. I have deep feelings for this guy, but feel at this time that either he is stuck in his patterns (he has Bipolar) or he is simply too hurt from past relationships (he has dated a lot of people who were not mentally healthy, including his therapist) to try. My question is how should I proceed? I know that this person does have deep feelings for me and its not in my head. I also see that him liking me may be out of his comfort zone. Should I just let everything gone and keep the friendship? I don’t know if this is because of the Bipolar or if his actions are just a result of who he is. I would love any input. Thank you.

    #176801
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elisabeth:

    Welcome back! Our childhood experience with our then significant others, aka our parents has such a significant affect and effect on us which plays into romantic relationships in the future. Yours does as well as his. I

    In Feb this year you shared: “Growing up as a kid, (your father) rarely kept his promises and always chose someone else over me…. He has caused me a lot of pain and I feel used and feel like he doesn’t care about me…For a long time, I felt that I was not worthy of having a quality relationship and would take whatever came my way”.

    This doesn’t mean to me that this man you shared about is “whatever came your way”, not at all. What I am thinking is that we have to consider our childhood experience in context of a romantic relationship. The same emotional experience tends to repeat and it is often not based on the reality of the romantic relationship, but on the reality of the childhood experience.

    anita

    #176917
    Elisabeth
    Participant

    These are interesting points. Thanks Anita. I heard from the guy yesterday and he wants to talk tonight. Regardless of what happens, I know we will have our friendship.

    #176979
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Elisabeth,

    It could be a combination of issues as to why the relationship is not professing as you would like. The first, the distance. Long distance relationships are extremely difficult and complicated, and only seeing each other for only one day leads little room for any kind of emotional intimacy. The 2nd. He has a stressful demanding job and boss, and like you said, he does not quite know how to set boundaries about working less hours or taking on less at work. This too can add to stress on him where he has very little energy to invest in any kind of relationship right now, which is why you are the only one doing all the work. He can’t give, what he is unable to. 3rd. He has mental illness. You didn’t mention if he is in therapy for bi-polar, or on meds, but if left untreated, it is very difficult for a bi-polar to maintain a healthy and stable relationship, set boundaries, etc. He needs to get into professional counseling. These are all things to consider before enarking on a future relationship with him. He also has not expressed to you where he sees a future with you. There seems to be a lack of communication. I would re-evaluate things so you don’t end up getting hurt. x

    #177015
    Elisabeth
    Participant

    Hi Eliana,

    We spoke last night and he said that he has deep feelings for me, but doesn’t know how to open up and that long distance relationships do not work for him as he doesn’t feel the intimacy. He feels that we can pick up where we have left off when I move back next Spring. He still wants me to come stay with him when I’m in town as he wants to spend time together and offered his spare bedroom. I’m still on the fence about this and may get a hotel. I also told him that while I am open to trying this again that we are both free to date and pursue other people. Regarding your question about the illness, he is not seeing a therapist, but is on medication. I agree that he needs to receive counseling and he did receive it in the past, but boundaries were crossed by the therapist and himself, so he stopped (this was several years ago).

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