advice needed: I was in an affair, but…

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    Dr J

    just an hour ago I found out this site accidentally when browsing looking for possible solution or second opinions due to breaking up, intrigue by everything in this site and especially motivated by how this site grew I decided to join and hopefully I could contribute, but for now I’m in needing for advice for my not so rare case but it has never happen in my experience so I’m at lost…

    long story short, I’m currently in an affair with married woman who are about to divorce…knowing that this will lead to a problem, we decided to break up for a while until she has completely divorced. The decision happen last night and it was not easy for both of us, as a background we did long distance relationship for roughly 6 month and we both met a couple weeks ago.

    Today I woke up (I can’t really sleep actually) in complete emptiness and despair which I recognized quite a typical of post breakup condition. I’m a man and yes I was crying out of the fear that I will loose her, knowing that I have became strongly emotionaly attached, I totally at lost to run my day without knowing what she is doing, hear her voice, etc. she was crying out loud last night over the phone (she was on her business trip).

    She was saying she will need time to get used to and she will be out of reach for a moment to calm herself down…which means I will hear nothing and to be honest it has driven me crazy ever since.

    seriously I’m at lost at what to do, I feel empty, if this is a breakup…this actually shall be just a temporary, will it be months or years, no one knows. But if I kill this feeling, to let it go…I have no idea how should I react then we meet again, both as single.


    If you think, you have taken a right decision, time will resolve all your matters. Some decisions are hard to take, gives lot of pain. But it takes you to right path. I feel in your case, the emotions are triggered to peak, causing you pain (even for her) which you would have not thought about when you started this relationship. Emotions are evident in fear of losing something or gaining something or expecting something. Controlling emotions for timebeing is what you both need to do. When time passes, you both will be ok. Focus on other sides of life. Do meditation. Cheers.

    May all beings in the world be happy

    Dr J

    thanks Gnanu, controlling emotion is what I have no Idea how…based on my experience, overtime things will get better, but I know that the hardest part is to survive in the mean time.

    At current moment, I can indulge myself in more works, make myself busy, socialize…but then when I’m home, when I’m alone that’s what I can’t afford. It is almost like being lonely is my biggest fear or rather being alone.


    I first of all have to applaud you for making such a difficult decision knowing it might not work out, but if you want it to work this must be done. Take a better attitude towards the situation and especially towards yourself. If you truly care about this person, you have to understand the hardships and issues she is dealing with. Clearly if she has this type of relationship with you, there is something dead in her marriage. You owe it to yourself, not just her, to give her this time. You don’t want to get into a relationship with someone who is this confused. She went outside of her marriage for something that was missing. She needs to find herself and realize what she wants in a relationship. Right now she has the comfort of her husband for certain things, then the comfort of you for the things she is missing. She is partially involved with 2 different people. She doesn’t know what she wants.

    I completely understand where you are coming from with your emotions. Sure, work, activities, friends, going out, and doing things helps to take your mind off things and you generally feel good about it. However, when you get home, sit down, and finally start coming down from your day you tend to reflect. Sitting in your own thoughts and letting them overcome you can be hell. I know exactly what you mean about being lonely. You are fine with being alone and being with yourself, but it’s going through life lonely. I am in a very similar situation. What I have done to make those nights better and to no longer have them is to work on myself. I really sat and thought about this loneliness or fear of it. I started to realize that it isn’t that I am lonely. It’s the fact that I wasn’t completely comfortable with myself, who I was, where I was going, and what I am currently doing. I wanted someone else in my life to share it with. More like I wanted someone in my life that would value me and validate me, make me feel important. Only you can truly make yourself feel that way. If someone else does, that’s just topical. I started writing my feelings down without structure or thought and then re-read them. I got more active working out and being healthier. I took more pride in my work. When difficult situations showed up, instead of feeling down and doubting myself, I encouraged myself to embrace the uncomfortable feelings, know that I can overcome them, and move forward.

    Take some time for yourself. Use this time to work on yourself. This could possibly be the best thing for the both of you. You get to know you better and to make yourself a better person, and she gets to figure out herself.


    I agree so much with what Tom had said. I was or still is in a break up. I would just like share some of the things that helped me in getting through the shattering emotions of a break up. Firstly, the thought that “a little discomfort doesn’t hurt” has got me through the toughest of times when that pang in your heart starts to dig deep in your chest. For me it happened mostly everytime i wake up in the morning. i went through a lot after it, scared of being left alone, feeling unwanted and abandoned ( the break up was due to him finding someone else) until i came to point when i was looking at myself in the mirror reflecting on the dangerous things i have done just to avoid being alone, like a light bulb, it dawned on me that it wasnt people who think i can never be enough but that it was myself who thinks i am not enough for my own
    everything after that changed and the sense of loyalty to myself has helped me tremendously in taking care of myself. I told myself that i will never give up on you. The feeling of being in love with someone is great, of being loved by someone as well but there is a certain stability and peace in the realization that you first love yourself that is why you can love others without constantly being hammered by the fear that they might not love you back. It was a process but it was all worth it in being closer to myself and finding inner strengths i did know existed in me.

    Other things that helped me in seeing things in different perspectives are;

    The alchemist by paulo coelho and other books by him
    Mindfulness in plain english
    Life of pi
    Man’s search for meaning by viktor frankl

    As well as beck’s sea change album

    And yes i have gotten a liking to reading as well and also revisited sketching and drawing 🙂 it is good for you to find helpful materials which you can relate at times when you cant fully express what you feel inside. and lastly, i admire that you are able to come out of the relationship. I dont think that anyone can be happy at the expense of other’s suffering, so it is also unlikely that you will be happy in an affair. Ultimately you will lose yourself and begin to get used to things that are out of your moral standards. But the beauty about life is that with every ‘now’ is a chance to build a more peaceful, happier future and that no matter hard any given situation is, we can always find a meaning for it, like building a strong character out of suffering, or gaining a clear idea of what you want out of a break up. I hope things work out for you. Good luck 🙂

    Dr J

    @tom, you words strike me right in the middle mate. I tried to do what you said but in different way, which odd but somehow it seems work…each morning I drive to my workplace ~1 hour with heavy traffic ahead (~15 minute when I travel back home) and during that time I did what I usually did in the past (odd why I forgot that method, it is a method I reveal to heal myself what I was in a post breakup in my 1st relationship)…so this method involved in what people might assume that I’m a bit insane somehow; I talk to my self…telling the story of me and my current problem, and while doing that I actually start reflecting what went wrong, what to do, did I make the wrong mistake or whether the decision I make is the right way to do. It is more like when I’m in such sorrow, sadness and what not, it is all about my emotion that were talking. Then when I’m reflecting back what was happened (like you advised me to write down things, I did it my talking to myself), it was more like I analyze the situation using logic and good temper (maybe not so good temper).

    “..More like I wanted someone in my life that would value me and validate me, make me feel important..”
    ^ Tom that phrase just feels right, and yes I somehow realize that it’s one of my flaw in life that I always trying to resolve..the cause of that were possible due to childhood trauma for being a bully target in the past.

    But tom, you did enlightened me, telling what I’m missing about what happen in my case, thanks buddy.

    “…i went through a lot after it, scared of being left alone, feeling unwanted and abandoned ( the break up was due to him finding someone else) until i came to point when i was looking at myself in the mirror reflecting on the dangerous things i have done just to avoid being alone, like a light bulb, it dawned on me that it wasn’t people who think i can never be enough but that it was myself who thinks i am not enough for my own…”
    ^dear tin, it was just like that the feeling we experience were just identical or was it just the nature of human? oddly I started to sketch and draw again after years left my charcoal and canvas in storage room, it did ease my “uneasiness” a bit. After a couple of sketches, I was like “wow”…my sketches are better that how it was hahaha maybe I’m just trying to comfort myself, nonetheless it works.

    @people, to be honest, I never ever want to be in such an affair however I can’t really lie about my feeling and nevertheless this is such consequences that I must take as the result of my past decision. But I do feel relieved somehow that I’m not alone, and I’m glade I found this forum which I can share and gain strength somehow 🙂

    life must continue on as it never pause itself just for you, I shall keep posted if there’s update. I will survive for a while through all the words by Tom, Tin and Gnanu 😉

    Mark Lamont

    I too,was in an affair recently,only the opposite of yours,I met a woman at work who knew I was married,and non aggressively pursued me,basically for sex,sounds far fetched but it did happen,we had kind of a bad falling out,and I said some horrible things to her,and it basically turned my world and my heart and head totally upside down,I’ve been trying to cope with the fact that she is now gone and won’t talk to me or anything else for that matter,my wife is post menopausal and we hadn’t had sex in about 9 years,so when someone,a good looking woman told me she was interested in me just for sex I jumped at the opportunity,my wife is out of the country for months at a time,so I wasn’t worried about getting caught,but I’ve been in a major funk for the past few months,I know what I did was wrong,but this woman was amazing,and getting that feeling back of having sex regularly was amazing also,anyway……………

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