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Advice on fiancé and mother

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  • #217351
    Salina
    Participant

    I need advice because I’m going crazy and no matter who I ask advice from someone is always biased. I am 25 years old I’ve been with my Fiancé for 6 years but we’ve been friends out wholes lives literally since kindergarten.

    My mother hasn’t always made the best decisions I’m the oldest of 6 children and I feel some what responsible for everyone even though I know I shouldn’t. My mother is in a situation where she has no where to live. Which in turn has resulted in my siblings being stuck with her. She moved in with a boyfriend who she’s been with for 8 years and it’s been on and off and just a bad relationship well a month into her living there he kicked her my 5 years old brother, 14 year old sister, and 18 year old sister out. She stayed with me and my fiancé in our small apartment for 1 month she left because it was a strain on my relationship with my fiancé. But she guilt tripped me The Whole time about it even though I never told her to leave. Then she went to stay with my brother for the last 3 or 4 months . She was supposed to try to figure her stuff out but she hasn’t and my brothers landlord told my sister in law that my mother can’t stay there anymore. So she went and got a hotel room one night then the next night expected to stay with us again. I never told her she couldn’t just asked what she planned on doing and she got really pissed at me and freaked out and when I finally stood up for my self and told her this is because of her decisions and that she was supposed to get her stuff together a while ago. I feel horrible leaving her to get a hotel room but my fiancé does not want her in our home. I also took one of my sisters in already and she’s been with me the whole time. I never asked my mother for financial help but she knew I needed it and she didn’t offer it. I love my mother and siblings but I plan on spending my life with my fiance and he’s my life now we built a home together that he doesn’t feel comfortable in but at the same time my family is my family. I don’t know what to do.

    #217425
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Salina”

    My advice is that you choose your fiancé over your mother.

    You wrote, “my family is my family”. Yes, but if loyalty to one’s family means the destruction of one’s life, then there is nothing good about such loyalty, it is not a good idea.

    Reads like your mother is irresponsible, nothing you can do to change it. If your relationship with your fiancé is a good one, hold on to it, protect it, first and foremost. Don’t bring in a person into his home who makes him uncomfortable. It is not fair to him and will harm him and the relationship with him.

    I hope to read more from you.

    anita

    #217509
    Salina
    Participant

    Thank you so much. I just have such a hard time saying no and disappointing people. I need to just make myself and my relationship my priority. I feel like I get so focused on everyone else and don’t make us a priority.

    #217605
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Salina:

    You are welcome. It makes sense to make a healthy relationship a priority over one that is not healthy. A healthy relationship will promote your well being, so better make it a priority.

    (An unhealthy relationship doesn’t promote anyone’s well being, not beyond the very short term).

    anita

    #217871
    Lara
    Participant

    Dear Salina,

    I think you did the right thing. Your mother indeed is in a bad place right now, but maybe living in a hotel will spurr her to really look for a long term solution instead of moving in with her children. How are your other siblings viewing the situation? And what happened to your younger siblings (“5 years old brother, 14 year old sister, and 18 year old sister”)?

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