Afraid of divorce, afraid of being alone after

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    Hi Anita. It seems so hard to find that one person though. Lots of women (and maybe some guys?) have many possibilities of finding someone who finds them attractive. For me it is more like trying to find a needle in a haystack or a unicorn. How can one find someone who sees that they have a good heart?



    First things first.  My guess you still need to support yourself financially. Keep at it.  I’m 65 and have a spotty work history and found a job. It took me a while but I maintained a positive attitude and support from friends and family.  Having an income gives you options, e.g. divorce, place to stay, etc.

    Second, get healthy; emotionally and physically.  This is closely tied to getting a job.  If you are a Sad Sack then that comes across in your job search and interviews.  I know, easy to say.  The Buddhist practices written on this website can help you towards that, i.e. mindfulness, meditation.   Another part of emotional health is having a sangha, a circle of supportive friends/community.  I worked hard since my divorce to make and keep friends.

    My take is that looking for another relationship while still married is not the best way of getting your life back on track.

    The answer to your last question to anita “How can one find someone who sees that they have a good heart?” is to practice a compassionate and kind life.  Be good to yourself and to others around you.  Volunteer.  Live from your good heart.  Put your good heart into practice and action.  I find volunteering not only a great way of being involved in helping others, it helped me with my depression and loneliness.

    I maintained a regular exercise routine as well.  Physical activity is tied to physical AND emotional health.  This could be a daily walk.  I recently discovered pickleball.  This was an easy sport to pick up and it is social.  I also did solo activities; walking, running, bicycling, gym and was never good with eye-hand coordination sports.  I find I can enjoy this sport.


    • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Mark.

    Thanks Mark.

    Yes, I am worried about sustaining myself, but right now I am doing OK with some online side hustles that supplement my unemployment checks very well right now. Just hope I can continue this. I am trying to work out as much as I can but it is a catch-22; sometimes I have lots of pain and soreness that lingers after a long workout. And I am admittedly very unmotivated to exercise as it is with her mental games and nasty words weighing me down.

    I don’t want you or anyone else to think I am (actively) looking for a relationship. Just thinking ahead. This marriage is over and I feel very lonely and unloved. But as much as I would like to be with someone, I am not trying to make that happen.

    I am looking to find volunteer opportunities. Don’t know what I want to do but there seems to be a lot out there.

    Pickleball, huh? I’ll check it out.


    Dear Pedro:

    In your note to me you asked: “how can one find someone who sees that they have a good heart?”- In my post to you before, page 1, I suggested that you find a woman who has a heart (not a woman who will see that you have a heart).

    Look for a woman who doesn’t see you as a physical body alone, as a list of physical features she doesn’t approve of, let’s say eyes that are too  small or too close together for her liking. But a woman who sees the light in your eyes, that is sometimes there. And she gets intrigues and wants to know more about that light, about what you hope for, what you want, what fuels this light.


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