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AFRAID OF MY TRUE SELF

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  • #381322
    soma
    Participant

    hey! its been a while since i last wrote in here. this place and you guys are like my escape goats from real life and big thanks for that. im just gonna jump right into it. do u guys know that one song from Mitski that goes like ‘sorry i cant take your touch, its not like i dont love you its just that i fell in love with a war.’ that kinda perfectly describes the emotions im feeling rn. i just rejected a girl that i had the biggest crush on for several reasons. at first i tried to trick myself into thinkink i didnt like her no more but i started crying histericly as i was writing the messages telling her i cant be in a relationship with her. i seriously didnt expect to cry. the reason behind me rejecting her came into my mind a little later. i was and still am afraid of liking th same sex. i dont know if iv’ve ever mentioned living in turkey but thats the case. a country illed with paents who says that they would disown their own child if they liked the same sex such as my parents. hearing this from my loving mothers mouth was pretty traumatizing but i didnt realized it back then. i started trembling after realizing the reason of me rejecting her but i didnt take my words back. a little back information i am really like reaally commtited to making my parents proud of me sice i owe them pretty much everything i have. i am both really disgusted and dissapointed with myself at the moment. i really thought that i no longer cared about the homophobic world nor my parents who are exteremly homophobic and that i’ve reached the emotional maturity to handle myself. i thouht i was so over myself and peoples vision of my orientation which was terribly false. i dont think that its easy to just forget about others but i really thouht i could handle it. i should have seen this coming since i tremble when i think of confronting people who have hurted me in the past. im not even brave enough to look after myself. but thanks to some friends i just realized that its still early in my life where i can hold back from making any desicions. im still young and learning over myself and others around me. i do not have to rush about my feelings or my emotinal maturity.

    i just need advice on confronting yourself and making terms with it. i do n ot have to love myself right away i just need to calm myself and accept myself. i was raised by homophobic people and it still has an impact on me to this day. please some people with similar situations to mine just please tell me how to stop hating myself so much.

    #381398
    anita
    Participant

    Dear soma:

    It is okay for a girl to feel attracted to other girls just as it is okay for a girl to feel attracted to boys. So please don’t be afraid of yourself in regard to your same sex attraction: you are okay! Please don’t hate yourself.

    “It’s still early in my life where I can hold back from making any decisions. I’m still young and learning.. I just need advice on confronting yourself and making terms with it… I just need to calm myself and accept myself”- you do need to calm down. On the other thread I referred to your post-breakdown joy, as you called it, to be like jumping into the cold, fresh water of a lake after running and sweating for hours in a hot summer day. It feels wonderful!

    But better not run in a hot summer day: walk instead, and carry cold water with you, then stop once in a while and drink it. You can still jump into the lake when you get to it.. but you don’t have to suffer so much on the way to the lake: slow down, take slower breaths, relax.

    anita

    #381449
    soma
    Participant

    thank u for the advice, really. i will take everything a little slover while thinking it through. have a wonderfull day.

    #381459
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, soma. Post again anytime and thank you for wishing me a wonderful day, I wish you a good night.

    anita

    #381587
    Roops
    Participant

    Dear Soma,

    Do you believe in soulmates, it could be of the same sex. wrong or bad is subjective. Emotionally happiness is all that matter. If you truly happy being with another person, it doesn’t matter if its a male or female after all everyone wants to live a happy life. But hurting people around you to make yourself happy is not right too. Don’t hate yourself for liking her or rejecting her. you are purely selfless here, you rejected her thinking of your parents which is remarkable. Your effort to make your parents proud of you shows that you are a pure heart and strong headed.  So please dont hate yourself, this phase will pass by and stay strong.  You are doing great and you will be ok.

    #381890
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, soma?

    anita

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