July 6, 2013 at 8:05 pm #38082KakelinaParticipant
I am a woman in my early 30s, and my seven-year relationship ended six months ago. I cared very deeply for my ex and thought that we had marriage in our future. He stuck with me through many difficult times in my life and in developing my career, including moving across the country twice for my jobs. However, we increasingly seemed to be on divergent paths in life, and when I brought up the question of our future, he decided that we should go our separate ways. Since that time, I have attempted to reconcile with him several times, to no avail. In fact, he has been very distant and at times insensitive and mean toward me, despite the fact that we decided we would work hard at remaining friends due to our mutual love for each other.
Thinking logically, I know that the smartest thing for me to do is to move on with my life and seek out a new relationship. However, I find myself paralyzed by fear of moving on. I find myself thinking that if I move on it means that our relationship is truly over (which I know it is). I have an opportunity to date someone new who has many things in common with me and seems at face value to be a good “match.” I can feel myself withdrawing from this opportunity despite the fact that I know I need to approach this wholeheartedly with a good attitude.
Does anyone have any advice for how I can move past this fear of letting go of my old relationship and allowing myself to approach this new potential relationship with an open heart and mind? Thank you for any help you can offer.July 7, 2013 at 1:00 am #38085JerryParticipant
Be gentle with yourself now. The relationship, by your account, has ended. In many ways a death has occured in your life. Death of a dream with this man, loss of the intimacy that you shared, loss of the friendship.
Allow yourself time to grieve. Embracing the loss is a valuable teacher. Allowing time to heal and rediscover the me ourside of the us.
That you are hesitant to jump into a new relationship shows that you are healthy and not trying to cover up the sadness with the buzz of a new love. So give yourself some credit and take care of yourself.
Those tender tendrils of love that connect us with others need time to heal and reorganize before you can again approach a new relationship wholeheartedly.
Is it possible to share this with your new oppportunity? People come and go in our lives. If you can share the difficulties that you are facing in yourself, and he understands, maybe this could be a good starting place for something new.
Thanks for your vulnerability and willingness to share here.
JerryJuly 7, 2013 at 5:41 pm #38136KakelinaParticipant
Thank you for your response, Jerry. I think it may be possible to share my feelings with my new opportunity. Any suggestions for how to share this information in a way that will not frighten this new man? I would not say I’m “hung up” on my ex, but I believe that my fear of moving on could be construed as such. I sincerely don’t want to waste (or ruin) an opportunity to create a new relationship with the right person.July 7, 2013 at 6:42 pm #38141JerryParticipant
Ah, I wish I had a magic wand to make this easy, but it is in the shop.
Just be yourself. If it is indeed a match and there is a future with this man, then being authentic with him will set the tone for the relationship. If he runs, then is that someone that you want to be with anyway? Be honest with how you are feeling. Stay true to yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal and face your fear. If he is the right person then he will be there with you.
JerryJuly 8, 2013 at 9:30 am #38183MattParticipant
In addition to Jerry’s thoughtful and pertinent words, remember that you don’t have to “figure it all out”. Some people have been in relationships for so long they define themselves as part of a whole, instead of whole.
Said differently, going on dates is fun! Good food, new connections, lots of questions and feelings… perhaps its best to let go of a “future Mr. Kakelina” concern and go out and play. Is he cute?