December 7, 2019 at 7:01 am #326329
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I’m in a relationship of two years with my boyfriend. We broke up about 3 weeks ago? For the past few weeks prior, we started to not get along, it was like I had to fight for his affection and I was chasing him while he was running in the opposite direction. I knew something just wasn’t right and I kept trying to fix it. Ultimately, he came over to talk and we ended up breaking up. He said that our personalities just don’t match, our relationship has reached its peak, etc. We were both in tears. I gave him a ton of solutions to it and he kept saying “I want you but I don’t want the relationship”, “Everything you’re saying is making sense but I don’t know why I don’t want it”. We ended up breaking up and I went home to my mum’s house in tears.
The next day, we ended up talking. The thing is, I’m one of those people that once we break up, that’s it. I don’t try and get back with you, I don’t talk to you months later, nothing. But I had his mum, one of his friends and my own brother tell me that we can’t just leave a 2 year relationship that was 100% perfect before like this. We ended up speaking and he cracked. He said that he’s been struggling with university and work (his job is very demanding) and he was having family issues (I know of them but he didn’t talk about it) and he said that my affection became too overwhelming and he didn’t know what to do with it. It was strange because we’d both been equally open for our whole relationship, but he said that this time he thought he could handle it by himself. I know what it’s like to feel so overwhelmed that you don’t know how to cope or react, so it made it really difficult to hate him, let alone move on.
We spoke about how to move on from this, have solid plans and to change some unhelpful behaviours in our relationship. I offered to speak in person as over text is hard, so he agreed. I went home later that night and he ended up coming over. I said he didn’t need to stay if he didn’t want to, we could just talk and he could go. (He ended up staying). We talked extensively and we came up with a solid plan, more reasonings, etc.
I told my mum two days later who was a little disappointed as she wanted me to wait at least a bit longer, but was ultimately okay either way. Anyway, I struggled badly for a good two weeks with conflicted feelings of if I’ve done the right thing, etc. It actually took me a while to understand that my trust has been broken, my confidence was shattered and my security was gone. We spoke about it and I explained all of my feelings in person to him.
So back to now: We’ve made sure we have allocated time together so we can go out once a week (we hadn’t gone out since I moved out in late September), I’ve made sure to give him the extra space (as he found it a little overwhelming) and things have been flowing really nicely and pretty swimmingly.
I don’t know what it is and I’m so upset I feel this way and can’t figure it out, but for the past week I’ve been the most content ever. We went out for a quick dinner yesterday after university and we had a great time. On the way back home, we were on the train. I was looking at him and I suddenly felt that I couldn’t look at him the same. The specialness was gone, or that special element that our relationship had was gone. My brother said last week that everything he said when we broke up just spoiled the wholesomeness and the lovingness of the relationship. I know my boyfriend didn’t mean anything he said (we’ve spoken about it). It scared me as I felt the same feeling a few weeks ago when everything was still fresh, but I understood it back then. Everything is starting to flow nicely now, so why suddenly when we were on the train home together I felt differently? I’m now always aware that we are in the “repairing” stages and that if he doesn’t continue to put in the work, I’m gone. But he’s doing amazingly and so am I, so why am I not happy? I know things like harsh words, trust and confidence take time to heal and I feel like slowly but surely it’s happening as I don’t feel so devastated and hurt by what happened.
It’s always a mix of I have a few days where I’m perfectly fine, working, university, he might stay over, etc. And I’m feeling my best when I’m with and away from him, but I suddenly have moments where my brain just crashes and just has an awful doubt and panic. I keep reading things and thinking to just take things as they come, feel everything out before I make any sort of decision.
I read a post on here earlier and I bookmarked it because it was so similar to my feelings and I found an amazing few lines that has found me some comfort: “If you are happy today with your boyfriend, and your needs are being met, then you have your answer. If you are unhappy in this moment, you must discover what makes you happy (content) and move in that direction”. These words cannot save me forever, so I need some sort of solid explanation or reasoning or just something to stop my brain from going into overthinking anxiety mode. I’ve never had such overthinking in my entire life up until now.
I’m so sorry for this wall of text but I thought I’d give both of my parents a break (constantly texting them for guidance on what to do) and come to tinybuddha for some help.
Someone please, I am so desperate for my head to be settled.December 7, 2019 at 10:05 am #326451
Dear Karina Eleni:
“On the way back home, we were on the train I was looking at him and I suddenly felt that I couldn’t look at him the same”- I think you are angry at him, for “chasing him while he was running the opposite direction”, and you are afraid that it will happen again. You definitely don’t want to chase him again… so you are angry in advance.
“My brother said last week that everything he said when we broke up just spoiled the wholesomeness and the lovingness of the relationship. I know my boyfriend didn’t mean anything he said”-
– what did he say?
I am asking because it will help me understand better, and I would like to reply further.
anitaDecember 8, 2019 at 8:27 am #326555
When I told him what my brother said and I agreed, he said he wasn’t bothered about my brothers opinion.December 8, 2019 at 10:09 am #326581
You wrote earlier: “I know my boyfriend didn’t mean anything he said”- my question was: what did your boyfriend say to you during the breakup, that which he supposedly didn’t mean-
(not what he told you later about what your brother said).
anitaDecember 11, 2019 at 2:43 pm #327153
i fee like sometimes the animosity is too overwhelming to the point that, sometimes you cant think long term. When i have been broken up with in the last, i so desperately wanted someone back, but once they returned, i wouldnt feel the same. As a man it might be different because we are more of chasers to achieve a goal. When someone returns after they have hurt you, sometimes it feels like you can never forgive them. More often than not, history repeats, but i do believe that second chances are worth the slim possibility that there might be a chance that it works out.
but you need to try and think of it in a long term process. My questions for you, had he not broken up with you briefly, where would your relationship be currently? Would you be questioning anything at all? What was your long term outlook on the two of you as a couple PRIOR to him approaching you about a break up?
i will follow up once i see the answers to those questions, as i have been in a similar situation.