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Jim

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  • #327239
    Jim
    Participant

    Pikeman,

    i wouldnt give her an ultimatum. I know that would get things off of your chest, but it wont effectively help the situation in your favor of staying together. She will likely move out at that point.

    i know how it feels, so exhausting that you just want it to be over with, but want it to end in your favor. Its a process. The hardest part is waiting it out without making the mistakes. As han beings, others on the outside think we can be coached as puppets on a string and follow the advice without our emotions getting involved, where we will make mistakes. It honestly feels impossible to follow the advice. Personally, i know how to treat situations in order to have them fall in my favor, but my emotions get too heightened at times that i cannot hold off from continuing to have involvement for my closure.

    i do believe that in your situation, you need communication of the current situation, and you dont want to be toyed with. At first she wasnt touching you, now she is, but still is talking of moving out. That makes it confusing. These are the types of behaviors that cause people to break down and give up. The best you can do is talk when she brings things up, and just try to demonstrate being as centered as possible.

    if you are feeling the jittery feeling and wrenching in your gut, i honestly feel for you. Its really tough and hopefully you can get some resolve.

    #327153
    Jim
    Participant

    Karina,

    i fee like sometimes the animosity is too overwhelming to the point that, sometimes you cant think long term. When i have been broken up with in the last, i so desperately wanted someone back, but once they returned, i wouldnt feel the same. As a man it might be different because we are more of chasers to achieve a goal.  When someone returns after they have hurt you, sometimes it feels like you can never forgive them. More often than not, history repeats, but i do believe that second chances are worth the slim possibility that there might be a chance that it works out.

    but you need to try and think of it in a long term process. My questions for you, had he not broken up with you briefly, where would your relationship be currently? Would you be questioning anything at all? What was your long term outlook on the two of you as a couple PRIOR to him approaching you about a break up?

    i will follow up once i see the answers to those questions, as i have been in a similar situation.

    #327137
    Jim
    Participant

    Pikeman,

    i applaud you for coming to a site like this and venting. I never knew it existed either until i was severely stressed and needed the same.

    i still feel for you, being in a situation of limbo and not knowing what the next day will bring. It can be agonizing. One day you want to move on and be strong, the next feels like a ton of bricks on your chest.

    i always think to myself, how its possible for all of these men out there to stay happily married. I know to be happy every day is unrealistic, its a mind set to know the ups and downs are expected. But i too have struggled through all of my relationships at some point, of mentally checking out and thinking that it could be better with someone else. But once im clear minded, i know thats not the truth. Our emotions can get the best of us, even when we know what is right and wrong. Its such a tough realization.

    dont feel bad about having those thoughts. Trust me, even if this all goes back to normal for you, there will come another time that you will have these same thoughts, just make sure you dont act on them or have them cause you any material hardships. Keep those thoughts to yourself and have the fantasy if you cant control them, but be sure not to act on it.

    #324039
    Jim
    Participant

    Brandy,

    i completely agree with that idea. It was weird. The first month after i ended it, i was perfectly fine, going on dates that didnt pan out, i would see her post on social media and i wouldnt even be wondering what she was up to.

    i read up on the stages of grief after being the one who leaves and they say that you will feel relief at first, then the remorse can set in. Mone didnt set in until a month post, and naturally after i was very alone. The alone part makes it worse, but i feel like there is something thats drawing me to this woman. I will find out in time, or wont find out at all, who knows.

    #323989
    Jim
    Participant

    Brandy,

    i would tell my friend that he sounds totally confused. From the sounds of it, you either need to stick to your decision and be comfortable with it, or figure out whether your expectations on attraction are real or not.

    i guess we like what we like, and we desire by instinct. If something is telling us “no” or “we dont like it”, its not something thats easily controlled.

    its a crazy thought. Every time we would get together, i would find her attractive, until the physical part started. The last time i saw her, which was a few weeks ago at a work event, i found her very attractive and my heart was racing as if i was extremely nervous. I dont know if its the face that she seems more desirable to me because, i thought i could get her back on my own terms, but she has turned me down and is now more attractive based on that fact?

    i honestly never expected this situation to turn out the way it did. Its for a reason, and we will find out what that reason is in time.

    #323951
    Jim
    Participant

    Brandy,

    i am learning more now than i ever have in the past. I never knew how much help i could get from the opinions in these forums. It feels good to have help and attempt to help others from my previous history.

    now for me, i guess i start facing issues this has brought to my surface. If someone comes along that i mesh with, im not opposed, if she comes back, i assess based on the situation. I would be selfish to drag her through the same scenario a second time, if we ever meet again.

    #323937
    Jim
    Participant

    Brandy,

    you also say that “this her also pissed off”

    she doesnt really show that shes pissed, she shows that shes over it. So i guess that could be one way of dealing with it, but it also feels like her responses are some sort of way to make me feel the pain now.

    what i mean is, she knows i want a second try, but is very short with me and seems like she basically knows its making me hurt in her response.

    thats why i feel like i just need to stay away, and hope we can talk one day down the road, if that ever happens. When cooler heads prevail.

    #323935
    Jim
    Participant

    Brandy,

    i appreciate you being real with me, as i expect the truth. Thats what im here for.

    she has told me to leave it be. Thats what i planned to do. If she decides to talk to me again, i wasnt going to just take it and pick back up, i feel that she deserved a full truthful explanation. If it runs her off, then i can live with it.

    writing her a letter after she has told me to leave it be, is that a good idea? She has said shes moved on so shouldnt i respect what she is telling me?

    when i talk of the physical part, im going to get more shame for this but i will tell the honest truth. My initial attraction was there for sure. We did not hook up for weeks, which honestly is rare in my recent dating years. The first few times were great but as that time wore on, i started to focus on specific things. She had lost a good bit of weight prior to us meeting, and i could tell in her physique once the clothes were off. Once my focus was drawn to this, my interest level went down and i had a hard time with the hooking up part, to the point that the last time it happened, i was basically useless. I apologized when this happened and she told me “dont ever feel the need to apologize for this aspect”.

    At that point, i thought to myself that this definitely isnt going to work. With everything compounded in my head, im checking out so i did.

    now reading back on everything, im shallow and very quick to make judgmental decisions, im well aware. This is all a lesson to learn, and when i said i could work on the physical part, i mean it. I want to grown into being a more accepting person, and not having so many “hang ups” that have led me to this point at my age.

    will that cause me grief in my future? I dont know, but it sure has caused me grief to this point, so how much worse can it get?

    #323917
    Jim
    Participant

    Brandy,

    i know to her it looks as if im saying one thing and actions proved otherwise. I talked to her for over 2 hours when i told her i wanted to leave. She wasnt overly emotional but i could tell she was taking some subtle “jabs” at my points, which led me to believe that she wasnt in agreement. Also, she tried to leave it open ended but i told her thats not a good idea.

    initially i may have hurt her. But from the most recent conversations it doesnt seem that way. I dont want her to be hurting, i do want her to forgive on top of give me a second chance (i know thats selfish and a lot to ask).

    the time alone has made me reflect on the topics of conversation and analyze them deeper. Of course it could be the loneliness and lack of contact that puts what we had on a pedestal but ive been looking at her past as more of a positive and not a negative.

    i decided that, if i get the opportunity, i want to know more about these situations, meet the family members, see what she struggles with every day and how she copes with mental illness. I want to let her in on my family and friends (since i was reluctant to do so before) and see what this desire i have inside is to seek these opportunities.

    do i see her as wife material? When it fame to how she treated me and how we got along, yes. The physical part of our relationship wasnt completely there for me but its something i can work on. The only big variable for me is the bipolar, to what extent would it be a major problem, as it seems to have caused many problems for her previously, the question is, is it under control. As ive stated before, 9/10 relationships or marriages fail with a bipolar diagnosis, the odds are awful, but in that 1/10, can it be great?

    as of now, i dont expect to ever hear from her in an intimate way again. She has said repeatedly that she wishes i didnt do what i did and maybe things can change another time but right now, they cant. But like you said, i think i wore out my welcome by being so solid and unapologetic when i left, it probably hurt and opened her eyes.

    #323811
    Jim
    Participant

    I 100% agree with anita. I would give the distance she is asking for and see what happens with that. Only because you tried to give her the love and it didnt work.

    now, if shes being stubborn and doesnt truly want the distance, that will eventually eat at her and she will break. But it will be the only way you can find out if she will return to acting like your wife again.

    i look at it this way, if you want closure then you can continue to look for answers and beg, and you will surely get your answers but it will come at the ultimate cost, which is she will leave. Or you can try the distance and the unfortunate waiting game, which sucks, but it is what it is at this point. If she is to return to you, i truly believe the only way that will happen is from option 2. If you try this and she doesnt come back, then she wasnt going to come back regardless. I know from experience, and with the knowledge, its still hard to not express your emotions when you feel depressed and anxious to save the day. I feel like you and have many times been able to talk myself out of situations,  but learned the hard way that, sometimes the talking digs a deeper hole.

    #323773
    Jim
    Participant

    PikeMan,

    there is no fault in panicking when being blindsided. Ive done it myself and every man will if they have never dealt with these situations.

    having your children as your priority will always keep you straight.

    as for her text to you, thats heart wrenching to read, as i have read it before myself. She has to deal with this situation on her own, and all you can do is wait and continue to be there for your kids and provide. I wouldnt write this off completely though. Feelings change like the weather and can surely change for the better in this particular situation. I know from experience that ive felt one way before, and felt different a month later as a male, and females can change as well.

    if she moves onto relationship, there is no changing that. What women often do is “check out” long before they notify the man, so they grieve on their own before the break up, so when it actually happens, they have gone through the stages already, as opposed to the man who had no idea it was even coming, and will look to struggle for quite some time ahead. Women seem to move on easier as well because of this fact, and i truly believe they follow this exact method. Men seem to deal with much more regret when leaving situations, as they trust their instinct initially, followed by seeing how they feel about their decision afterward.

    you cannot feel bad for someone if she did not actively communicate the issues to you in order to save your relationship. By that i mean it should have been voiced many times in a marriage because a marriage is supposed to be a forever bond, for better or worse. If she did make attempts and you did not change, taking her for granted, then you will learn from this. But lack of communication can be often overlooked when you have the amount of responsibilities that he two of you have had for the length of time you have been together.

    time will expose the entire situation for what it actually is. I have always followed my gut instinct on these things and have found there is always more to the story. One thing is, if there is a lack of clarity, there is something being left out. If it were straightforward, you may not like what you are being told, but there would be no question as to why it ended. So keep in mind that you may not be totally at fault.
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>Consider how hard it is to change yourself, and youll understand what little chance you have in changing others.

    </span></p>
    feel free to ask me questions anytime. Like ive said, ive never been married and dont have kids, but i have been through both sides of some tough break ups, as well as witnessed a handful from ones close to me.

    #323759
    Jim
    Participant

    PikeMan,

    i have never been married nor do i have kids so i can only imagine the pain you are experiencing. I had 2 friends go through a very similar situation, and the problem ended up that it was “too little, too late” in their case. They went into a panic when told that their wives didnt feel for them as the did before, and went bombarded the woman with their love and emotions that she hadnt seen in quite some time. This caused her to become even more distant. Both cases ended in divorce, the first one the woman regretted leaving after she realized she put an end to their marriage too soon and decided not to work on things. The second woman left for another man and actually is attempting to rekindle with her ex husband at this very moment, and this is 2 years later.

    what i would suggest is that you seem to have put all of your emotions and efforts out there. Shes well aware of how you feel now. You cannot change what has made this situation occur. Go about your life as you were before, but make the proper adjustments, and show that you are a man of his word. Let her know that you still want this to work and that you still love her, but not in a means of panic. That will only drive her away from you. She needs the space to figure out why she is being so distant, but in the mean time, make sure you continue to work hard to keep up with your work and the additional chores your have been trying to absorb to help out. I always say to avoid conflict, work around the house that needs done, act as if nobody else is going to take care of it and just take care of it yourself when things need attention. Think about it, whats worse, absorbing the responsibilities or having conflict with your family?

    also take into consideration that you can only believe that she is telling you the truth on why she is distant. If there is another man, there is absolutely nothing you can do to control that situation. As far as date night goes, she has already said no, so take her for her word. It is now up to her to reach out for a date or to talk about the love you have for one another.

    i had a woman fall out of love with me after years of dating and living together purely because i did not seem to show her the affection she desired for the last month we were together. Thats how quickly a woman can change her mind. I went on to smother her, it pushed her away.

    sometimes we lose track of what we are doing in relationships, but the lack of communication along the way compounds the issues. She didnt communicate this to you until it was too late, and you continued to do the things that were driving her away, not even realizing the damage. Just know that you are not a horrible person for this, and that we all make mistakes.

    trust me when i say, the worst you can do is panic and smother. If there happens to be someone else involved, its out of your control, if not, you can still mend this, it will take time.

    #323671
    Jim
    Participant

    Mackenzie,

    like i said before, you can use those forms of connection with others, just dont do it unless you feel in control of your communication. The dating apps will open you up to a world you have never witnessed and it was very difficult to me to steer clear of talking to multiple women at one time, or even women who i wouldnt normally be interested in simply based on convenience.

    the truth is we are all in control of our actions, just cannot allow pressure to cause us to cave. So if you do decide to attempt them, approach with the same goals and values that you have now, and dont waver.

    #323667
    Jim
    Participant

    Brandy,

    this information was volunteered to me as i didnt ask about the prior relationship but she felt the need to talk about it, so i listened. She said that she caught her ex bf on dating apps, talking to other girls, she grabbed his phone, and went through it and at that point he choked her. This happened more than one time. She said this was the very end to their relationship after that happened. She also stated that she was always the one who was cheated on in relationships. When i left her, she said she wasnt surprised and could see it coming because “i changed and this wasnt her first rodeo, as she has become an expert on this”.

    Im not naive and i know there are two sides to every story. For example, she told me that she “hated dating apps” due to the problems it caused before. Coincidentally,  we met on a dating app. Also, i have seen her on two dating apps since i left her. Im aware that its her life and i cut her loose, so its really none of my business who she dates or how she meets them. But i do sit back and examine the fact that for someone who had issues with dating apps, she seems very open to them now. So i will never know the other side of the story in her past, but i was somewhat surprised to see her so open to using them. Esp. as she claimed to be “talking with someone else” currently.

    i agree, i feel very alone. One point i continue to hammer to myself is, i remember telling a friend of mine that “i like this girl, just dont see it long term, and im having trouble deciding which way i want to go with it because we do get along well. I just know that im getting older and if i want to find what i desire, i can no longer waste my own time and its not fair for me to drag her along. If i wait years to end it, then i will have set myself back years, and i cant do that, as if im in my early to mid 20s”.

    as you can tell, im very much in my own head, sometimes it gets me in trouble but it has seemed to keep me out of harmful situations for the most part. Sure, im single again at 33, have two failed relationships both spanning 4 years a piece in my 20s, but on a positive note, i didnt get married to a woman i dont love and have kids while i was too young and very immature.

    #323603
    Jim
    Participant

    Anita,

    all of the points that you do touch on about the honesty and open communication from this woman make the regret occur. In turn, the things that i learned in a short period of time made me leave. This is the constant battle that i am experiencing at the moment.

    yes, i have always wondered whether others would approve of my choices. I dont like the fact, but its the truth. I need to be more accepting of the decisions that i make for myself, and that be the only thing that matters.

    in the end, i hope to find a compatible partner, but i also believe in second chances and forgiveness. Ive given a couple of girls second chances in my dating life, and the result was the same as the first round but who knows. Like we discussed, i dont know the severity of the bipolar and the future of that, and it would be a major risk to go blind into. There could be major issue at the end if that presented, but we never know. All we know is what the statistics prove and make our decisions based on how we feel.

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