December 11, 2019 at 2:12 pm #327143PikeManParticipant
Thank you for responding. Yea it’s defiantly taxing and like you said, one day your fine, the next you’re struggling, like i am today. My plan is to talk to her tonight after church, and see how she feels things are at. I keep having this little devil on my shoulder telling me that she’s going to move out at the end of the year so i want to address that feeling with her, see what she says. Hopefully it’s just me overreacting and just being a worrier (which i always have been)..
Again, thank you.December 12, 2019 at 6:00 am #327217PikeManParticipant
Well, we talked last night. I told her that i appreciate the way she has been treating me with respect and thinking of my needs lately. I then said that i have a tiny devil on my shoulder saying that you’re just playing nice until the end of the year then you’ll move out. Her response was “it’s a strong possibility, yes”..
So we started to talk about what that would look like, her moving out, and i got the feeling she didn’t really think this all through. She has talked to no one but the counselor so i told her she needs to talk to her mom and dad, get this off her chest, or talk to someone..
I want to give her an ultimatum, talk to her parents or i will. I feel that they need to know.. Thoughts?December 12, 2019 at 7:18 am #327233anitaParticipant
I don’t think you should give her an ultimatum or talk to her parents.
In your original post you presented yourself as a “faithful, hardworking, honest, loyal man who loves his wife very much”. Later you revealed yourself as less of all of these things, you referred to yourself as a selfish, arrogant man who has never put his wife first in anything (“I never put my wife first, for anything”).
In light of this I think that you should no longer act selfishly, arrogantly and aggressively toward your wife, giving her ultimatums, threatening her and pressuring her by talking to her parents. Instead, be kind to her. Put her first in something, for the first time in your marriage to her.
anitaDecember 12, 2019 at 7:32 am #327239JimParticipant
i wouldnt give her an ultimatum. I know that would get things off of your chest, but it wont effectively help the situation in your favor of staying together. She will likely move out at that point.
i know how it feels, so exhausting that you just want it to be over with, but want it to end in your favor. Its a process. The hardest part is waiting it out without making the mistakes. As han beings, others on the outside think we can be coached as puppets on a string and follow the advice without our emotions getting involved, where we will make mistakes. It honestly feels impossible to follow the advice. Personally, i know how to treat situations in order to have them fall in my favor, but my emotions get too heightened at times that i cannot hold off from continuing to have involvement for my closure.
i do believe that in your situation, you need communication of the current situation, and you dont want to be toyed with. At first she wasnt touching you, now she is, but still is talking of moving out. That makes it confusing. These are the types of behaviors that cause people to break down and give up. The best you can do is talk when she brings things up, and just try to demonstrate being as centered as possible.
if you are feeling the jittery feeling and wrenching in your gut, i honestly feel for you. Its really tough and hopefully you can get some resolve.December 18, 2019 at 8:53 am #328399LulushParticipant
i think a woman must go through a lot to finally feel distant or even thinking about ending the relationship / divorving with children in the marriage. Man are mostly ungratheful and dont even see whats infront of them until its gone and enough for the woman. Sometimes being good from 0 to 10 dont even matter anymore after putting their partner / your wife through a lot. I just dont get how some people can be that selfish. I would feel very horrible inside me and couldnt even sleep. This woman is someones daughter. I bet you wouldnt want someone to treat your daughter like you treated your wife right? You should constantly be not just a good husband but a good human being with empathie and just do everything you can for your children and your wife if you really care. But dont do it just to win the marriage back. It should last forever. Its not a game to be good to gain your marriage back. It should be a lifestyle and a changing moment to finally grow up. If you just do it for a period of time to win peace and fall into your old habits believe me karma gets you back. If your children grow up and will know what you did to their mom believe me they wont respect you or even want to talk to you. I’ve seeb a couple of bad situation where marriages after 30 years fall apart because if the selfishness of the man… Be careful..December 23, 2019 at 3:35 pm #329169MayaParticipant
Hi, I hope everything will work out best for every one .December 23, 2019 at 4:14 pm #329173NekoshemaParticipant
I’m sorry to hear that. I was in a similar situation a year ago with my fiance, so I know how your wife feels. The difference is, she seems unwilling to fix it. I felt distant with my fiance, we talked through it and decided to have more us time. We picked one day a week to be alone, go on dates, be intimate, or just cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. He also disliked how much I’m on my phone so I’m making an effort o reduce the amount of time I’m on my phone. I didn’t like how I would be in one room and he would be in another, so now I’ll bring my laptop into the living room while he’s playing video games, and he’ll come into the bedroom to nap instead of on the couch. It’s little changes but they’ve made a big difference. The fact she won’t even go on a date night upsets me. Furthermore, divorce isn’t “quitting” it is a healthy option. [no, I’m not saying run out and get that divorce] We grow and change as people over time, and someone you loved five years ago might not be the same person today. The other major one is if your future goals don’t align. There’s a show I love Aggretsuko [yes, anime fan, go with it] in its second season, it pushes this point home. Retsuko falls in love with this perfect guy, and Tadano is amazing. The two get along perfectly, they’re both better people together and want to be together forever. The conflict comes when Tadano tells her he doesn’t believe in marriage and doesn’t want kids. Retsuko realizes at that moment that’s her dream, to one day be a wife and mother, but Tadano doesn’t want that. They both love each other, they’re perfect for each other, but to live “happily ever after” Retsuko would have to give up on her dream. They break up, it’s painful for both of them, but they know it’s for the best. That’s a very painful lesson we don’t teach enough, you’re not losing, or quitting, by forcing yourself to stay somewhere that wouldn’t fulfil you, you’re failing yourself.
If she seriously wants this, go out on that date, talk about your dreams, do the work together. You both deserve to be happy, as do your kids. As someone who’s parents divorced, I can tell you, the kids know when mom and dad are upset. You can show them more if you are honest, civil, and loving. It will hurt, but how you handle it [divorce, reconciliation, or remaining in a loveless marriage] will teach your children a lesson, and hopefully the right one. Yes, work together, fall back in love with each other, remember why you fell for each other, and rediscover the people you’ve become [13 years, so much can change. Think about your favourite show 13 years ago, is it still your favourite? time marches on and things change so slowly you don’t notice]
I wish you both the best of luck and I hope things work out better than you dream.