November 20, 2019 at 2:14 pm #323815
I am so thankful i found this site, thank you ALL!!
Ok, distance it is and this guy is bringing the sexy back!
I know i’ve said this before but saying it again, THANK YOU!!!!November 20, 2019 at 2:19 pm #323817
You are very welcome, PikeMan. I hope the wish the for you and for your marriage. Post again anytime you want more input from me and from other members.
anitaNovember 22, 2019 at 5:12 am #323991InkyParticipant
If you come back to this post, let me add: I AGREE WITH BRANDY!!!
If she brings up not feeling the spark, say, “Sounds like a personal problem”… on your way to the gym.
Let HER remember the marriage counseling appointments… you throw on your new designer shirt on your way out the door.
Acquire a new hobby. There are women there. There is a whiff of cologne as you leave.
Take the kids to get hair cuts. Come back yourself with a totally new cut.
Remember! Men look better as they age, women DO have to work it! She TOTALLY is taking you for granted! She can’t be that hot. Sorry.
InkyNovember 22, 2019 at 7:15 am #324021BrandyParticipant
Pikeman – I was hoping Inky would chime in on this thread with her colorful wisdom! Now if you need any advice on selecting the right designer shirt, just let us know. 🙂 -BNovember 22, 2019 at 10:22 am #324063JulieParticipant
I signed up to Tiny Buddha just so that I could share the following:
Find a higher purpose together. When my hubby and I get owly or even ugly with each other, we get through it because we share a greater purpose, something higher than our day-to-day frustrations with each other. In your case, your wife is disinterested in you/her marriage/(her life?), but if you both had something bigger than yourselves and your relationship to spend time together on, it might bring you closer. (And may I suggest the climate emergency? We need way more volunteers and all hands on deck.)
Robert Bly called marriage “the third body.” When spouses can’t stand the sight of each other, they can still choose to treat each other respectfully out of respect and care for the third body, the marriage itself.
Do you share the same sense of humour? I find this to be a huge predictor of success in a relationship (any relationship). If you laugh together, it means you share the same outlook on life. Do you laugh together? If you watch a comedy together, do you both find it funny or corny or silly? Create some opportunities to laugh together, as a couple and as a family (comedy movies or plays, jokes at the dinner table, being silly together).
On a day to day basis, my husband and I use the “rewind” technique. When we notice things starting to go south (it’s usually when we’re stressed out), one of us calls “Rewind!” and we take a breath and then go back and start the conversation again. I wonder if this technique could work on a more long-term basis in your marriage — taking turns rewinding back to when things were good, remembering those good times of feeling connected to and needed by each other, reliving and cultivating the good feelings, basking in those memories.
Just some thoughts. I wish you all the best. Here’s to the highest good of all concerned, especially your children.
JulieNovember 22, 2019 at 4:24 pm #324085BrandyParticipant
I noticed that Julie’s post didn’t reflect under Topics so I’m posting here to get it there now because it’s such a good post! Don’t want Pikeman to miss it! -BDecember 11, 2019 at 9:23 am #327053
Alright, figured i’d give an update. But first i want to say thank you all again for giving me wisdom and a place to talk, much appreciated.
So, we’re still together, thankfully. I did go and spend over $300 on a few shirts and have been exercising. Also got some new cologne. Working on me a little more. We’ve been seeing a marriage counselor and he’s been helping out with getting us to talk, which we desperately need to do!
One thing that has crossed my mind and i did bring it up to her is that, (sorry, might be a lot of TMI) I had a vasectomy in March, she stopped taking her birth control roughly around July/August? I am really wondering if all of this is hormonal? We had my work Xmas party on Sat night and a few of the directors from my company, which we’re all friends and hang out and what not but, 3 of them didn’t’ come talk to us because they were mingling and we had left early to relieve her parents because they were watching our kids. So we left and she started to cry in the truck saying their a-holes for not talking to us.. Seem’s like she’s really guided by emotions right now?? It was just a thought, could be way off base but, wanted your opinions on that one.
She hasn’t said “i want to be with you” but she has been acting really nice and thoughtful of me. Asking if i want her to make me a mix drink or asking if i need anything if she goes someplace, idk, just nicer to me. She still give’s me kiss’s before i leave for work and when i get home, also before we go to bed. A few times laying in bed she’ll reach over and hold my hand or rub my chest, just little thing’s i am noticing. We both like those Marvel movies and she’s been wanting to watch them with me so, lately we’ve been sitting downstairs watching these movies and kind of laughing/having a good time, making fun of Hollywood and stuff, idk seem’s like the “old us” before we had kids.
We had a chat on Friday night and, she said she’s still unsure if she wants to be with me and that she was thinking about moving out in Sept. Which kind of got me upset and i said “Look, if you want to divorce and drag us through the mud, ruin our little family, have to answer to our kid’s (5yr and 2yr old) why dad isn’t here or why mom isn’t here, then that’s on you. I can’t change how you feel. If we divorce i will still be nice and curtious to you but i will cut you from my life, you will be nothing more than a woman who i loved and had kids with. I will not talk bad about you but i will not care about you anymore” and so she started to cry and i kind of felt bad but, Idk if it was the right move or not, i guess i wanted to rattle her cage a little bit.. Thoughts?
Oh, and my sexual tension is HORRIBLE.. gahhhh sorry, TMI again!
So, i guess i am still holding on to hope that she’ll come around. She really is an amazing, incredible woman. I really lost sight of her i guess, got caught up in my own world with work and myself.. i really screwed up and have made my mistakes, i am human.
Anyways, thanks for letting me vent again, hope everyone is staying warm!December 11, 2019 at 12:14 pm #327109
“I really screwed up and have made my mistakes”- I still don’t know what those were, your mistakes and how you screwed up. I asked before and you didn’t tell me what it is that you did???
(I will reply to more in our update after you answer me, if you will).
anitaDecember 11, 2019 at 12:23 pm #327113
My mistakes were, that I really took her for granted. I put all the house stuff, like cleaning, cooking, taking both kids to school, laundry,, everything, on her. I focused more on work. I thought about other women, i flirted with other women. I imagined having sex with other women while having sex with my wife. I never cheated or anything like that but, I found myself thinking i could do better with a girl i saw someplace. I never put my wife first, for anything.
I travel a lot for work and we’d send each other nude pic’s once in a while and i always wanted more from her, both riskier pic’s and to do more things sexually, which she doesn’t really want to do.
So, all of this, what were going through, has really opened my eyes to the way i was treating her. To me i really f*cked up because i have an amazing person who did all of that for me and my children without ever complaining until one day she broke.
Now i am not saying that i am 100% at fault here, she has made her mistakes on things, which again, human..
Idk, in my eye’s i was an awful man and didn’t respect/love her the way i should have.December 11, 2019 at 1:04 pm #327121
As to what you did wrong in the marriage: the fact that you didn’t help with cleaning the house, cooking, washing laundry etc., if it is true what you shared earlier, that you work morning till evening, traveling for work as well, and if she is a stay at home mom, it is only fair that there will be a division of labor, that you will not work all day and then come home, clean, cook, feed the kids, etc.
The fact that you “thought about other women”, if you didn’t try to think about other women, and it just happened that you did, well, it is not something you are guilty of. Flirting- depending what you mean by it, if you smiled at women, just so happened to smile, that is one thing. If you carried on flirtatious conversations, asking women out, that is another thing. Imagining sex with other women while being with your wife- again, if it just happened that you did, I suppose it can happen to anyone. But if you told her about it, that would be cruel. Generally, I don’t think there is a married man in this world who does not think about other women, or desires other women from time to time.
“I never put my wife first, for anything”- that is a strong statement. I don’t know what you mean by it, but generally it reads very wrong, to not put your wife first, “for anything”!
What do you mean by that???
anitaDecember 11, 2019 at 1:11 pm #327123
My wife is not a stay at home mom, she has a full time job so adding that stress to everything else just made our relationship worse.
No, i never told her that i thought about other women when we were intimate, i agree, that would be cruel. And no, i never asked a woman out or anything. Not to sound arrogant or anything but, i have been told that i am very charming, and it’s easy for me to talk to women? If that makes sense? So i’d flirt with them and idk, build my ego? idk..
When i said, never put my wife first, i would put myself first. “how does this decision to buy a new tv affect me” or “if i work late, it’s fine, my wife is home and she can cook/clean/feed the kids/put them to bed”. Basically i was selfish. I know that that happens to people but, it obviously happened to me, and i am admitting i was wrong.December 11, 2019 at 1:50 pm #327127
“Basically I was selfish”- I agree, I see it now, yes, you were selfish, with a touch of arrogance. I didn’t see that before because I took you at your word when you wrote in your original post: “I am a faithful, hardworking, honest, loyal man who loves his wife very much”-
– well, not hardworking– you didn’t help your wife with the house and chores even though she too has a full time job, not that loyal– you did flirt and practice your charm with other women, and definitely not loving– you didn’t help her with the house and the kids, you asked her to do sexual things that you knew made her feel uncomfortable, and most recently you told her that she “will be nothing more than a woman who I loved and had kids with.. I will not care about you”, and so forth.. not loving!
Well, PikeMan- don’t say that you are “faithful, hardworking, honest, loyal man who loves his wife very much”, be these things in action, and maybe she will change her mind.
anitaDecember 11, 2019 at 1:53 pm #327131
Yes, that’s who I was maybe.. 2 years or so ago. I changed and made mistakes. I just hope that it’s not to little to late.. Time will tell. But thank’s for talking Anita, appreciate itDecember 11, 2019 at 1:53 pm #327135
You are welcome, PikeMan.
anitaDecember 11, 2019 at 1:56 pm #327137JimParticipant
i applaud you for coming to a site like this and venting. I never knew it existed either until i was severely stressed and needed the same.
i still feel for you, being in a situation of limbo and not knowing what the next day will bring. It can be agonizing. One day you want to move on and be strong, the next feels like a ton of bricks on your chest.
i always think to myself, how its possible for all of these men out there to stay happily married. I know to be happy every day is unrealistic, its a mind set to know the ups and downs are expected. But i too have struggled through all of my relationships at some point, of mentally checking out and thinking that it could be better with someone else. But once im clear minded, i know thats not the truth. Our emotions can get the best of us, even when we know what is right and wrong. Its such a tough realization.
dont feel bad about having those thoughts. Trust me, even if this all goes back to normal for you, there will come another time that you will have these same thoughts, just make sure you dont act on them or have them cause you any material hardships. Keep those thoughts to yourself and have the fantasy if you cant control them, but be sure not to act on it.