P.S. Tell more about the fear, if you’d like.
anita

Dear Patrick:

Fear is powerful. Only the experience of being loved by a woman can pacify that fear. It is like needing a job but you can’t get the job unless you have experience in the field. But how do you get the experience if you don’t get a job- the chicken and the egg thing. Two and a half years ago you had a nine month relationship with a woman- was there any love there from her to you…? Any love experience that can be helpful to you?

anita

Dear Patrick:

In your original post you wrote: “I know love, but except for that one time it was always one-sided.” Here you wrote; “At first I thought she really loved me. But after a few months…” There was something there- something there before it went south. You got to have something in that relationship to put on your resume, if you put one together, a relationship resume. What WAS there, give me something that was there…?

anita

Dear Patrick:

It is my hope that the psychotherapy you will be attending is of high quality or good-enough. I hope that the psychotherapist available to you is capable and hard working. His or her performance as a professional is not going to be perfect but I do hope he or she will be good enough to be significantly helpful to you, starting you on your way of healing, giving you the tools, helping you with the insight you need and so forth. No wonder you have mixed feelings. Even if it is the best therapist you can have, it means you will engage in the healing process and that will entail feeling pain, or being more aware of the pain that is already there. But doing it slowly (the way to be done in good therapy), at your own pace, gradually as you learn the skills to endure more awareness of the pain that is already there- over time- you will feel better and better. (and worse in between the better and better).

About “something is wrong with me”- dear Patrick, this is it. This is the pain, the bit of awareness of it, again: something is wrong with me. This is the distorted core belief. It is not true, but… you believe it and it hurts. A year ago, walking in the woods it occured to me and I said it aloud with astonishment (I walked alone): “There is nothing wrong with me! There is nothing wrong with me3!” I was 53 and the concept that there was nothing wrong with me was new and surprising and baffling. ANd it took a year after that announcement to the trees around me, a year after and this concept is sinking in still, but more deeply. This is the nature of healing.

Till later:
anita

Dear Patrick:

Yes, this is a good relationship resume. I like it very much. it is endearing. I like the walking hand in hand, the romantic kissing, the cuddling, the quallity time with her kids, the losing of weight not because of pressure but because you felt good… the poem, the love letter. All these are quality activities, loving, lovely. You do have a romantic relationship experience. Some people may have more to write on their resumes, but that may be their rushing to have things to write, a pressure within. You did things because you felt good, no rush. It was the real thing.

You have experience. You have a starting point for the future, experience for the occupation you desire (occupation, that is being a party to love with a woman). Now, where do you go from here?

anita

Dear Patrick:

Psychotherapy is a great idea and I hope you find a good-enough therapist and that it goes well. I think that online dating can be a good idea if you plan how to use it this time. It was very therapeutic for me personally, the online dating I did in 2009 and it lead to my real psychotherapy in 2011. If you do the online dating the right way, it can bring you the further experience that you need.

When you put together your profile on the dating website, you can state your weight which is a concern of yours and even some of your other concerns, be honest… in moderation, don’t put this post here as your profile but be honest enough. there are plenty of women out there who are very lonely. Many are overweight. I don’t know your requirements in a mate.

Maybe if you do the online dating wisely, mindfully, it can be to your benefit. Doing it blindly can be damaging to you, this is my position on it.

You can do well in online dating not because you are confident and experienced but because you are not the ONLY one out there who are in a desperate state of mind. So many women out there struggling as well. Maybe you can find a good woman who is also struggling…and you can help each other.

anita

Dear Patrick:

I like your requirements in a mate. I like them very much. I also like that you are mindful enough to notice you are not ready to date and wish to have therapy first. It is that kind of self knowledge that will help you heal in therapy and help you develop a good relationship with a woman. Regarding whether to have a date with that woman, a leftover from your online dating- not if you feel you need some therapy first. She was not available earlier to meet with you, you may not be available now. It is a timing thing in everything… You can postpone it to later. Or you can tell her you are not ready for a romantic relationship at this point and meet her for coffee just so to make the initial aquaintance, as long as you told her this very intention and she is okay with it.

Regarding doing the online dating the right way… it needs to be the right way for you, so you make it the right way using knowledge of yourself. In general, the right way is not mindless, not random; it is about reducing the random element and make it as purposeful as you can, as is possible. For example, when you put together your profile, pay attention to that. Share honestly but not “this-is-how-sick-I-think-I-am-help-me kind of honest. You can write what you wrote to me above, about what you want in a woman. I liked it, other women will like it too (not all, of course). Besides the profile, there can be a policy. For example, you may choose not to spend too much time reading any particular profile because your chance of getting a response from one woman online is small, a matter of statistics. Investing too much time and emotion on a virtual woman- a woman that will never exist in your real life- doesn’t make sense to me. So I would read some, keep my emotions detached enough, write to any particular woman a SHORT note (your profile has all the info you want to share, no need to re-write) and … forget about it, if you can, as much as you can. After some time, you turn on your computer adn see what is there. Instead of looking for a particular woman: did she respond or not? Was she online recently? If she was why did she not answer me? If she wasn’t, maybe I should wait for her to answer and … check again and so forth. Instead of all that waste of time and energy, follow only those women who answered you.

i woudln’t be too selective (making sure THIS is the woman I want) with first writing to women because statistically only a small percentage will answer you. When a woman answers respectfully – pay more attention to her. And when a woman responds respectfully and attentively to you (actually paid attention to your writing, your profile)- you pay more attention to her.

Will read further posts by you, Patrick, wishing you the very best.

anita