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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Alexandra 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #173959

    Rowena
    Participant

    I have never written in a forum before and Im not sure what it is that I think will help. I suffered a mental breakdown in 2014 and a big part of my recovery was reading the articles on this website and a course I did in redressing my past. So as I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to right now I thought I would make my way back here. I do have a therapist so please no one worry. I feel so alone and isolated. I recently became mum to a beautiful baby boy who is my world, but I am having so many problems with my husband. I no longer know whether the problem is because of our relationship or because of me.   He blames me for everything. Every time I explain why I am unhappy etc he blames my mental instability, I have in the past suffered with depression and anxiety. Which I openly talk about much to my own detriment I think sometimes.  I had one of the many traumatic births and after a late night emergency C section and a sleepless night with a brand new baby and, coming down of the cocktail of painkillers I had been dosed with, my husband left for 12 hours to go back to work. I was unable to move being on various drips, catheter etc and had to look after my son alone. I live abroad from my home country and so no family were around. He is the boss so I still don't really know why he left me, the following day he did the same.  The following week he was gone so much that my mother-in-law came to stay, bless her, we are not the best of friends but she did her very best to look after me.  And ever since this moment I feel like he has abandoned me. When I ask him why he doesn't help me for example putting the baby to bed, he says I should ask. If I ask he says he has work emails to do.  I could go on for the next 1,000,000 words. I think I should stop. I wish I could just jump in the car and head to my family for the day, but home is a flight away.  I don't want this relationship to end.  I am so afraid that its me that I am unstable. I know I'm anxious at the moment, but I eat, sleep, look after myself.  Talking to him is like conversing with a brick wall. He so cold and detached he takes zero responsibility. He simply tells me to calm down and that my mood swings are to blame.  He says he would attend counselling with me, but it would be for me to sort out.  Exercise is a really important part of me maintaining my mental health. I suggested that I could join a gym and maybe go sometimes. He's hesitant and thinks the cost is too much. He is a high earner and the gym membership is about 2% of his monthly salary.  I have decided to stop pursuing it because he clearly doesn't want me to go. He is a wizard in being able to say something but mean the exact opposite.  His family believe that I “sponge” off him as since the birth I am not working so I am also reluctant to push for it.  He's turning me into a nervous wreck. I am so unhappy and I feel so confused.  My only salvation is my darling baby and an online degree I am studying for.  These two things keep me straight I suppose. I try and stay away from alcohol as in the past this has been my nemesis, I lost my dad when I was young and my previous marriage ended because I was raped. I have tried so hard to push through all these things and rebuild my life and I can just feel the ground crumbling beneath my feet.

    #173995

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rowena:

    You wrote that you don't know if the trouble in your relationship with your husband are because of you or the relationship, meaning to me that you don't know if the fault is on your part or his.

    You wrote: ” He blames me for everything”- when one party blames the other for everything, it is the fault of the one doing the blaming. You post here not knowing if you are at fault, blameworthy, meaning you are considering that you may be at fault. When he blames you for everything, it means that he is not considering that he may be at fault.

    Reads to me that he is taking unfair advantage of the fact that you shared with him honestly and openly about your past depression and anxiety, misusing this sharing to blame you for everything, labeling you mentally-unstable.

    Leaving you after the traumatic birth, while you were unable to move, being on various drips and caterers, alone with your new baby is very irresponsible, incredibly irresponsible.

    I agree with you, no need to “go on for the next 1,000,000 words”- from your account, clearly he is indeed “so cold and detached he takes zero responsibility”.

    He blames you but he is the guilty party. How can a woman not be anxious when Alone (the title of your thread), with no support, hardly, and with a man who leaves her … alone at her most vulnerable time, after such a birth, putting your life at risk by doing so, as well as the baby's.

    You wrote that your previous marriage ended because you were raped? You mean that the previous husband blamed you for being raped? If that happened in your home country, were your family of any support and help to you then?

    anita

    #173997

    Alexandra
    Participant

    Hello Rowena

    I really do feel for you and i am so sorry that you are going through such an emotional time on your own.

    I think a lot of the times men cant cope even when they are expected to be the backbone of this new and exciting time 1.e supporting the new mother and the baby. Most men wont open up and say they are having a hard time and like to ”escape”, run away from the situation and hope that it will just get better with time.

    I haven't had a baby myself but i can understand how it must feel to be completely on your own as you are not in your own country, i too have no one here but my partner as i moved country for him. I think its the worst thing feeling so alone that you don't even have your husband, the man who is supposed to be loving and supporting you.

    I think you should be really proud of yourself for firstly having your baby (congrats) and having to look after him all by yourself , you see? See how strong and confident you are? Why should he stop you from doing something you love ?? If you want to go to the gym for your physical and mental needs then you go, i don't see why it is ok for him to do the things you love yet you arent allowed to as its an unnecessary expense to him? Do you have any savings at all? If so then go ahead and pay for your gym membership yourself, that way he cannot say anything to you. How in the world can they think you are sponging off him, he is your husband, when people get married they share everything and your husband should be happy with you trying to make yourself feel and look better and what his family say should be no concern of you. I know it is hard, but you have to try and not think about them, this is about you and your husband! I am so sorry about your last marriage, you seem to really have gone through a lot! What about your family? Do you think if you spoke to them they could come and see you and maybe give you some support? I think most importantly you should speak to your husband and tell him exactly how you feel and go from there… you do not deserve this type of treatment and neither does your little one. I wish you all the luck in the world.

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