Hi, I’m lea, I’m 19, I’m a student, I live with my parents and I have a massive problem. I cannot focus-I don’t have the motivation to pursue my studies. I’m a second year university student and I spent a lot of money to be here. Except I get one assignment done a week and am months behind on my work.

I am excited for my career but right now I’m an undergrad- meaning I don’t get to do the fun stuff for another 2 or so years. I’m pulling out my hair (figuratively) and I just sit here paralyzed. It’s a habit- I don’t sit at my desk until 12 pm (I usually skip breakfast) I’m super slow, it takes me 39 minute to get dressed then another 30 to brush my hair, teeth etc. then like 2 hours to feed my cows and pets. I skip breakfast to save time to do school but then I end up watching YouTube or something then maybe I’ll actually do something uselful at 3 then get distracted then I’ll end up doing nothing anyway.

it’s a habit- and it’s quite frankly frickin scary. I hate myself everyday for it. I cannot express the hatred I feel towards myself.  I have a part time job, I raise animals, I am paying for my education, I’m trying to do my education, my dog died this week, one of my dear cows died this week (a pet cow), I think I have adhd, I have ocd, I have social anxiety, I have no friends, my family is a mess, my sister bullies me, I have missed deadlines, I’m two months behind on all my work and only have 3 weeks left, I’m figuring out my sexuality, im studying to get my drivers license, I’m volunteering at an animal shelter, I’m trying to read, I’m taking a language course-  and I’m on the verge of a full on hysterical mental breakdown. I haven’t done anything lately- like ANYTHING. I’m stuck and devastated about my dog who passed.

I have a music addiction- so I always have headphones on and I end up daydreaming and the daydreaming ends up being more interesting than my work. I literally haven’t done more than 2 essays in almost a month. I feel lazy, stupid and like garbage- once again I frickin hate myself- yeah I know practice ‘self love’ lol I used to but no one else in my life respects me so why the frick should I? I roll out of bed at nine am after smashing my alarm repeatedly because I can’t sleep at night- I get maybe 6 hours a night. Im underwhelmed and overwhelmed at the same time.

Sometimes I just want to end it. if I can’t do anything- like do my god damn school work to get my dream job wtf is the point of even continuing. The only reason I’m still here is because I need to care for my pets. Or I’d be gone already- trust me. I thought about selling my pets to good homes then- you know- but I’m too selfish to sell them because they mean too much to me. I have tried every tip in the book to focus. Except therapy because I cannot afford it. Too expensive and my parents don’t believe in therapy. I honestly think I can do a lot in this world but I feel so powerless and stuck. I’m trapped in a sea of my own emotional problems. they keep piling up on top of each other and there’s nothing I can do about them without paying someone $300 an hour to tell me I have problems. I wish I could say I’m trying my best but I know I’m just a lazy pathetic butt who just needs to get her self together and do her goddamn work.

I wanted therapy all through high school and middle school- but after reading stories of how long therapy takes to work and how it doesn’t help everyone- I don’t even know if I believe in it anymore.

I used to see the school counselor weekly- for my anxiety-as a 13 year old and it helped me but then one day she told me that in order to make friends I need to find other passions besides my animals. I did it didn’t help. I play guitar, the bass, the drums, I’ve danced my whole life, I knitted, I did watercolor, I took Spanish and still am. No friends. Then she told me that I needed to tell my parents to actually take me to a therapist and pay for one. Mom said ‘sure but we’ll have to sell your animals to do that to pay for it’ I said no and told the school counselor that and she agreed with my mom. Never talked to her again.

I feel so alone. My mom was like ‘don’t be so hard on yourself’ and I was like oh gee thanks. She told me I need to work on controlling my anxiety because it affects my performance under pressure. YEAH MOM THATS WHAT ANXIETY DOES. I told her ‘that’s what therapy helps you do’ but it’s too expensive- and I am NOT giving up my pets to pay for therapy. I’d be even more miserable- every ounce of joy gone- If I had no pets. I have no help- and my moms solution to everything is independence- solve your own problems, it’s your feelings, it’s your choice, FIX IT LEA ITS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. I have no one to help me, no mentors, no guides, I do online school because my sister has health issues that make her very susceptible to COVID. I have no one to even talk to, or rant to, I didn’t have any ‘friends’ to text when my dog passed away, I didn’t have anyone to tell about how great she was or how much I loved her. My family is seemingly over it, ‘she wouldn’t want you to be sad’ ugh f**k me. I am sad but I am not really allowed to be sad because it makes my poor little sister sad.

I have so many problems and none of them seem like anything I can fix or control. I feel completely powerless. I mean come on what kind of pathetic loser can’t even make themselves do their schoolwork?- something they are supposed to be passionate about and have been for their entire life until this point. It genuinely is the most pathetic situation ever. Once again I hate myself.

today I had been horrible. I am in withering muscle pain. My neck is so cramped I can’t turn my head, my back is so tight I have to walk like crippled up or it hurts. my hands have been shaking all day. I have a screaming headache, I’m exhausted and I haven’t done a single f***king thing today of use.

I’m stuck, I’m paralyzed, I’m fed up, I’m loosing hope for my sanity and I’m so close to my breaking point. One of these days I am going to snap and every little piece of composure I gave is going to be gone, My perfect little spool of emotions is going to come undone, my perfectly packed box is going to explode. I know with certainty I won’t hurt myself or end it- I promise. Sooner or later I am going to frickin loose it.