Dear Scott:

I am not judging you but of course, the most important judge has already judged you: your own self. She blamed you two years after and you took her blame, believed her.

Just because someone blames you, points the finger at you, does not mean you are guilty. People often point fingers in efforts to feel better. Just like she had physical intimacy with you two years ago (right?) so to feel happy, using you so that she can feel happy, she did the same thing two years later, blaming you so that she can feel better.

When she blames you she gets to not blame herself. You know how it feels to believe you are guilty, see how you suffer in the last few days, SHE doesn’t want to feel this kind of pain, that she did something wrong, so she puts the guilt on you and she gets to feel free of it… for a while.

A real friend does not inflict pain on a friend, repeatedly with no apology and correction. To be friends, she has to tell you something like: “I am sorry. I chose to be physically intimate with you two years ago. I am 100% responsible for my actions. I am sorry I blamed you…as if I had nothing to do with what happened. Please forgive me for the pain I inflicted on you with this false accusation.”

No way that what happened two years ago caused her current separation from her boyfriend. There are other reasons for that, and if she didn’t tell you those reasons, it is because she feels guilty and doesn’t want to face it, what she did wrong.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Scott:

I am sorry you are confused. When I am confused it feels badly to me, then when I get clarity it feels so much better, a relief. And you can get clarity too.

What is your need to tell your family about what happened with this girl two years ago?

In the future, you can choose to not get involved with a girl who has a boyfriend (or a husband!), you learned that. You were very young then and the only person who could have been hurt through no fault of his own was the then boyfriend. But two years later, it is water under the bridge, long gone. They broke up not because of you, but because of HER and HIM. Nothing to do with you.

This girl, this friend, hurt you quite a bit by bringing this up now. She hurt you so that she could feel better, blaming you so that she can feel blameless. This was wrong of her. Tell her how bothered you are by her blaming you and see what she says.

If you value honesty and she is dishonest then you should not be her friend. If you value kindness and she is not kind, then you should not be her friend, and most importantly, if you tell her you are hurt and she doesn’t express that she cares, then you shouldn’t be her friend.

Choose your friends. It is not your job to be anybody’s friend. Choose your friends.

You can use this as an opportunity to choose this girl as a friend or choose to un-friend her. It will feel good to practice the power to choose. It is your right to choose your friends.

Post again, please…
anita

Hi Scott,

Don’t just accept blame because people will keep giving it to you. To be honest, whatever happened happened. Yes, what you did was neither right nor wrong. However, on her part, she was committed to her partner and SHE was in the relationship and she cheated on her partner. She can blame you all she wants, but that doesn’t mean it’s true what she’s saying. She doesn’t want to feel guilty or be responsible for the end of her relationship so she is blaming you. If she is in a relationship, it’s her job not to cheat, not other people’s. If they split, it’s because she cheated. She could have cheated with anyone else and it would have still been her fault. Do you see what i’m saying?

Annie

Dear Scott: you are welcome. Post more, anytime!

*** Juanita: You see what? Good to see you again, Juanita! Glad you are here!!!
anita