January 8, 2016 at 8:46 am #91772
I just need some help and i don’t really know what to do so i thought i would ask on here as there is no harm.
Anyway im a young man between aged 20-25 don’t want to give to much details away just in case. But i meet a girl and we became very good friends, over time though i began to feel things for this person but was fully aware they were in a relationship and when i heard that i knew not to do anything speaking from experience of my parents. however as time goes on things got a little out of hand but only a couple of times and we didn’t do it again for two years now. However recently she came to me and went what i feel like was a bit of a blame game about the situation and admitted to using me to feel happy, which we all do and i guess it did sting but i forgave her, however recently they told there other half and now i feel they may split up because of me and what i have done and that is not what i intended at all, all i done was told her how i feel and be honest which she asked for in this friendship, i got played and now this and i am feeling awful because she is my friend and i dont want to feel like a bad guy i want to remain friends but just feel all over the place for the last few days and i didn’t mean anything at all. i dont really know what im asking i just dont know what to do. i dont want to lose my friend.
so any advice or anyone who has been in a similar situation to me and can give advice i would appreciate it and please dont judge me just feel so angry and confused at myself i guess
thanksJanuary 8, 2016 at 9:10 am #91777
I am not judging you but of course, the most important judge has already judged you: your own self. She blamed you two years after and you took her blame, believed her.
Just because someone blames you, points the finger at you, does not mean you are guilty. People often point fingers in efforts to feel better. Just like she had physical intimacy with you two years ago (right?) so to feel happy, using you so that she can feel happy, she did the same thing two years later, blaming you so that she can feel better.
When she blames you she gets to not blame herself. You know how it feels to believe you are guilty, see how you suffer in the last few days, SHE doesn’t want to feel this kind of pain, that she did something wrong, so she puts the guilt on you and she gets to feel free of it… for a while.
A real friend does not inflict pain on a friend, repeatedly with no apology and correction. To be friends, she has to tell you something like: “I am sorry. I chose to be physically intimate with you two years ago. I am 100% responsible for my actions. I am sorry I blamed you…as if I had nothing to do with what happened. Please forgive me for the pain I inflicted on you with this false accusation.”
No way that what happened two years ago caused her current separation from her boyfriend. There are other reasons for that, and if she didn’t tell you those reasons, it is because she feels guilty and doesn’t want to face it, what she did wrong.
What do you think?
anitaJanuary 8, 2016 at 3:40 pm #91827
Yes i agree with you that really i haven’t done anything wrong as she could have said no anytime, and i agree that i do sometimes take the blame to keep the peace when i know i wasn’t wrong,
she has said sorry and it wasn’t her intention to use me she claims and i do believe her because i dont want to feel any anger or guilt. am i looking for excuses so our friendship can go on i dont know.
what i dont get and i am sorry for rambling but i guess i am afraid to tell my family as i dont want them to think i was trying to break something up but the thing i dont get is why all the sudden this occurred out of the blue when i haven’t spoken about my feelings in a long time to her we were just friends.
And can i ask you honestly do you think we can be friends or do you think you could be friends with someone in the future if someone done that to you. i know i want to but i dont know if i would come off a mug if that makes sense. what should i do know. im so confused
SJanuary 8, 2016 at 6:46 pm #91835
I am sorry you are confused. When I am confused it feels badly to me, then when I get clarity it feels so much better, a relief. And you can get clarity too.
What is your need to tell your family about what happened with this girl two years ago?
In the future, you can choose to not get involved with a girl who has a boyfriend (or a husband!), you learned that. You were very young then and the only person who could have been hurt through no fault of his own was the then boyfriend. But two years later, it is water under the bridge, long gone. They broke up not because of you, but because of HER and HIM. Nothing to do with you.
This girl, this friend, hurt you quite a bit by bringing this up now. She hurt you so that she could feel better, blaming you so that she can feel blameless. This was wrong of her. Tell her how bothered you are by her blaming you and see what she says.
If you value honesty and she is dishonest then you should not be her friend. If you value kindness and she is not kind, then you should not be her friend, and most importantly, if you tell her you are hurt and she doesn’t express that she cares, then you shouldn’t be her friend.
Choose your friends. It is not your job to be anybody’s friend. Choose your friends.
You can use this as an opportunity to choose this girl as a friend or choose to un-friend her. It will feel good to practice the power to choose. It is your right to choose your friends.
Post again, please…
anitaJanuary 9, 2016 at 2:46 pm #91921
Thank you very much for listening to my problem i really appreciate it, you have given me a lot to think about and you are right it is up to me to decide not anyone else. You are also right that i need to talk to her and clear the air. I do forgive her because i understand that no one is perfect in this world and we all make mistakes and if it does end then i at least have a clear mind and am happy that i wasn’t bitter and angry towards anyone, if that makes sense.
Again i like to thank you as this has helped because i always find it interesting to see what others think outside of the circle.
SJanuary 9, 2016 at 2:52 pm #91922AnnieParticipant
Don’t just accept blame because people will keep giving it to you. To be honest, whatever happened happened. Yes, what you did was neither right nor wrong. However, on her part, she was committed to her partner and SHE was in the relationship and she cheated on her partner. She can blame you all she wants, but that doesn’t mean it’s true what she’s saying. She doesn’t want to feel guilty or be responsible for the end of her relationship so she is blaming you. If she is in a relationship, it’s her job not to cheat, not other people’s. If they split, it’s because she cheated. She could have cheated with anyone else and it would have still been her fault. Do you see what i’m saying?
AnnieJanuary 9, 2016 at 4:44 pm #91924jockParticipant
I see.January 9, 2016 at 8:12 pm #91938
Dear Scott: you are welcome. Post more, anytime!
*** Juanita: You see what? Good to see you again, Juanita! Glad you are here!!!