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Hi Anita, thank you for your reply.
Yes his family and friends know about me, but just knowing that Im not acknowledged at his job makes me uncomfortable due to the fact there is not boundaries if others think he is “single”. Im sure that he is not cheating on me with any coworker or any thing of that sort, but I’m having a hard time being ok with it, and don’t really understand how someone can play off / not mention being in a 5 year relationship. Im just really upset because anyone would like to be shown off and talked highly about, to others specially from their partners and in this case I feel that Im not worth mentioning.
What do you think I can do? I cant force him to bring me up & talk about me.
Should I move on and accept his “private” work life? or how can we find a middle ground?
Xo Thanks!
Dear thatssoelsie:
You are welcome. He works as a bartender in a hotel.. even though he doesn’t drink while working (this is the rule, in the U.S.), there’s alcohol involved in the workplace and after work. I can see coworkers calling him pet names, etc.: It is part of the work environment when alcohol is involved. Expecting a boyfriend- in an alcohol involved environment- to not be engaged in a somewhat flirtatious activity is unrealistic. I know. because I am personally familiar with this kind of workplace. People’s inhibitions are lowered, if not because of drinking personally, then from being around people who do. I have seen countless somewhat flirtatious exchanges between people that were harmless. As a matter of fact, I have never encountered a flirtatious activity in the taproom I frequent in the last few years that resulted in a single sexual affair, none whatsoever. And I know, because if there was one such affair-I would have known.
“if hat’s what’s going on through text, it makes me wonder what other type of flirting can be going on in person“- nothing much, based on my experience, just people joking, trying to be funny, that’s all.
About suggestions regarding moving on: well, it depends on whether you’ve been giving him a hard time, unfairly accusing him for a long time of what he is not guilty of.. IF you have for years, then it is understandable that he would not tell his coworkers about you.
anita
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This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by .
Dear thatssoelsie,
In regards to your questions, no he’s actually none of the above. Its just his job we have an issue with.
That’s important – it means he respects you and doesn’t see you as inferior in any sense.
The only justifiable reason I can think of for his hiding you is that he wants to protect himself from possible mocking and teasing by his co-workers if they would get to meet you.
I know he’s mentioned to me in the past has taken his ex to his job before
Perhaps he took his ex to his work place, and after that was faced with teasing and inappropriate comments. And he regretted it that he revealed his private life, i.e. made himself vulnerable. Perhaps he is afraid of his co-workers’ crudeness and cruelty (which might be the case in that working environment), and he wants to spare himself from that?
You also said:
We don’t have any pictures of each other on social media, were both private people in that aspect.
How come? What’s the motivation for keeping each other a secret on social media?
Dear thatssoelsie:
It is difficult to come up with an understanding of your relationship with too little available information and context. For example, when he told you that his coworkers know about you, maybe at the time (a few years ago?) he did tell them about you. Maybe those he told left the job since, and the current coworkers don’t know about you. Maybe coworkers don’t really want to know about each other’s personal lives, and none shares, maybe it’s a behavioral code at the bar he tends. Maybe when he recently said that you were crazy he was exasperated after an hour of you interrogating him. I don’t know the context. It is easy to suggest, or worse, conclude this or that (ex, I concluded earlier that he gaslighted you when calling you crazy) based on limited information and little context… I am reminding myself to avoid doing this in the future as I reply to members.
In your recent post you provided some context: “he’s actually none of the above (“judgmental, condescending, disrespectful.. superior.. criticizing”) It’s just the job we have an issue with“-
The job: in general (and I understand that he bartends in a hotel and has downtimes) bartenders are often very, very busy. A bartender does not have the time to attend to a visiting girlfriend, and he doesn’t have the time or the energy to attend to a jealous girlfriend visiting him at the bar. He has to attend to customers and be on the go non-stop.
thrillist, com: Understanding Bartenders “1. It looks easier than it is: On average, bartenders probably do 10-12hr shifts, sometimes with no break. There are hours of prep work, hours of clean-up, and hours of catering to the demands of people who have no concept of a bartender’s actual hours.
“2. Their lives are not an endless party: The bartender is like the parent at a slumber party: they are working to make sure everybody else is having fun, while trying to keep them from getting in too much trouble. And once the kids go to bed, they’re up late cleaning the mess.
“3. When you’re in an environment that’s extremely high volume, everything goes out the window: A skilled bartender always wants to make the best drink possible, but in a busy bar there’s a balance between meticulous craftsmanship and breakneck efficiency…”.
Overall, a bartender is very busy, has to be very attentive to customers, on the go.. so yes, I can understand a bartender’s reluctance to have a jealous girlfriend visit him. And I am guessing that in the stressful work environment, coworkers are more likely to joke around to relieve stress than to have serious discussions about personal relationships.
I hope that this post helps you somewhat and I wish you and your boyfriend well.
anita
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This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by .
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This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by
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