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Am I a victim of abuse?

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  • #326437
    Billy
    Participant

    First off, thank everyone for taking time out of their day to read and give their feed back in my situation. I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season with loved ones. I would like to say my story and get an outsiders point of view with situation.

    July 2017, I met this wonderful woman, she seemed like the type of person I could settle down with and commit to. Everything was great, for about 2 months. Great dinners, amazing sex, and decent conversation. September came around and things started to change. I would ask her to hang out and I would get responses saying “if you rush me to hangout again you won’t see me.” At this point I was thinking maybe I was being to needy, but I just wanted to see her. When she met my parents she said afterwards she felt like she wasn’t good enough and did not like her, which was not true at all and I tried to explain it as many ways as I could. So, we stopped seeing my parents so much. In my opinion this should’ve been the first red flag. In December, we went to my company dinner at a nice restaurant. I could tell she was annoyed at something but I did not want to start an argument in front of my coworkers. When we left  the dinner, I asked her what was wrong. She stated a coworker wouldn’t stop staring at me and I “had to be sleeping with her”( I never have).  Christmas came around and everything was fine. I thought maybe she realized there was nothing to worry about and I was here for the long haul.

    The new year came in and everything was pretty good, so her lease was up and she moved into my house. Within two weeks of her living in my home it got bad. During this time she decided to change her birth control. (I do not remember if she told me this or not). That being said, in February we found she was around 5 weeks pregnant. After many late night discussions we BOTH decided to terminate the pregnancy. We agreed we did not want to bring a child into a broken home, there was a lot of work we had to do sustain a relationship. During this time I promised her we would work through everything, I thought I wanted to marry this woman someday. In March, she threatened to leave, at least once a week. Packing her things and going to the door, I would cry and get on my knees for her not to leave. She never did. A few months later, my grandfather died. A big influence in my life. When I told her, she told me to “go hug my ex girlfriend”. I couldn’t believe it, how could someone say something like this? I told her she needed to pack her things and leave. She didn’t. The summer of 2018 was hell. She wouldn’t leave, she was just abuse me. Accusing me of cheating on her, wondering where I was(I was hiding at my parents house just to get away from what was happening.) I was out to dinner with two friends one night, when I came back she accused me of being on a date, and smacked me in the face. After that I told her if she did not leave, I would have the police escort her out. She left. Her father helped her moved and damaged my house. Holes in the sheet rock, scratches on my hardwood floor, thresholds broken. My love for her was not gone though, so we decided to try to keep working on it while we lived separate. In December, after not talking for a few days I went to her house and found a hickey on her neck. I was astonished and so heart broken. But I felt guilty so I stayed and decided to see if we could continue to work things out. Winter 2019, wasn’t as bad as when we lived together but it was not a normal relationship still. In May 2019 I was diagnosed with cancer, I had to get emergency surgery. Everything went well, until I got home and was on bed rest. My parents came over with supplies for the week so I didn’t have to do much. After they left and she came over with paper towels and toilet paper. She flipped out and started screaming about my parents bringing the same thing. I don’t know why this was such a big deal, I could do nothing but cry. After this, I tried to break up with her. She didn’t allow it, she would show up at my house, or my parents. She would call me 30 times in a hour to beg not to leave her. I didn’t know what to say, if I ignored her things would just get worse, so I tried, and tried again. She was so mad at me at certain points she was say “ enjoy chemo and radiation, you deserve everything that is happening to you”. Fortunately I did not need treatment after my surgery. Now, being December, I have not talked to her around a month. The last thing she said to me was “fuck you, the guy I’m talking to is better anyway”. It completely broke my heart.

    I now feel like I turned her into this, I feel like this is all my fault. I would do anything to turn it around, but at the same time why do I deserve to feel like this? She always said, I changed her into how she acted and it’s all my fault. I just can not grasp any of this situation  and I’m so lose. I’ve had great support over the last year, but it still causes me pain every single day.

    Wow.

     

    #326565
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Billy:

    You are welcome and thank you for your good wishes. First I will retell your story (it helps me process information when I do that): 2.5 years ago, you met a woman, it was great for 2 months (July- Sept 2017), “Great  dinners, amazing sex, and decent conversations”. Sept, when you asked her to hang out, she responded with such sentences as: “If you rush me to  hangout again you won’t see me”. When she met your parents, she told you that she felt that they didn’t like her, that she wasn’t good enough. She didn’t listen to your suggestions that her understanding wasn’t true, and the two of you stopped seeing your parents much. December 2017, two years ago, the two of you attended your company dinner at a nice restaurant. She accused you of sleeping with one of your co worker, stating “a coworker wouldn’t stop staring at me and I ‘had to be sleeping with her'”- her accusation wasn’t true. In the very beginning of 2018, she moved in with you into your house, and two weeks later, “it got bad”. In February, you found out she was five weeks pregnant and the two of you decided to terminate the pregnancy so to not “bring a child into a broken home”, that is, the home the two of you shared.

    A month later, March 2018, the following dynamic got established: “she threatened to leave, at least once a week. Packing her things and going to the door. I would cry and get on my knees for her not to leave”, and she didn’t leave. A few months later your grandfather whom you loved dearly, died,. When you told her that, her response was: “go hug (your) ex girlfriend”. You then told her to  “pack her things and leave”, but she didn’t.

    Summer of 2018, a year into the relationship, and half a year of living together, life with her “was hell”. She accused you of cheating, wondering where you were at any time, accusing you of being on a date when you went out to dinner with two friends, and she “smacked (you) in the face”. At that time you told her to leave,  otherwise, you will call the police to escort her out and she left after damaging your house, “Holes in the sheet rock, scratches on my hardwood floor, thresholds broken”.

    While living separately, you tried to work  on the relationship because your “love for her was not gone”. December 2018, you found a hickey on her neck, but feeling guilty, you kept trying to “continue to work things out”. May 2019 you were diagnosed with cancer and had emergency surgery. Back home for bed rest, your parents brought over supplies for you, including paper towels and toilet paper. Next, your girlfriend came over with the same supplies, “flipped out and started screaming” about your parents bringing the same supplies as she later did. Next, you “tried to break up with her”, but “she didn’t allow it”, showing up at your house, at your parents’ house, call you 30 times in an hour, begging you to  not leave her. You then “tried, and tried again”. During your recovery from the cancer surgery, she told you at times things like: “enjoy chemo and radiation, you deserve everything that is happening to you”. November 2019, she told you: “f*** you, the guy I’m talking to is better anyway”. That was the last time you talked with her.

    A month later, you feel guilty: “this is all my fault”, you wrote. And you wrote: “She always said.. it’s all my fault”.

    My input this Dec 8, 2019: to your question: “Am I a victim of  abuse?” the answer is easy and a no-brainer: yes, of course you were. If you want to categorize the abuse, it was physical, her smacking your face and destroying your property, illegal (battery and destruction of property); verbally and emotionally abusive, most cruel. She has been bad for your health, before and after you were diagnosed with cancer, and for your very physical health, you need to clear yourself from any and every abusive relationship,  most specifically, you need to have no contact whatsoever with this woman.

    Her anger is dominant in her interactions with you, it is a strong and undisciplined anger. When she feels it, she destroys- be it smacking your face, be it destroying your home, and she will say things aimed at causing you the most pain possible, intentionally. And then, she tells you it is all your fault. I am not a medical doctor or a therapist, and neither are you, but you may want to google the DSM-4 entry on Borderline Personality Disorder (I like the DSM-4 better than the later DSM-5). There is also a book or two on the matter that may be worthy for you to look at.

    I mentioned that your question: “Am I a victim of abuse?” (the title of your thread) is very easy to answer, a no brainer. The reason you asked this is because you either believe that you are inherently wrong, and therefore you are responsible for anything wrong that is happening in your life, and therefore she is… your victim, not the other way around, and/ or you don’t feel that you deserve being treated decently. What do you think?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    #326599
    Billy
    Participant

    Anita- thank you for your insights on my situation. I do believe she 100% knew what she was doing and making me feel. Sometimes though, I think to myself; if I did one thing or another different would have it been the same? I will never know- it just drives me crazy sometimes thinking I could’ve prevented all this. Thank you

    #326603
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Billy:

    “if I did one thing or another different would have it been the same?”- no, it wouldn’t have been the same. She would have still tried to hurt you best she was able to, but she would have used different words, depending on that something different that you would have done; she would have still destroyed your home but not in identical ways, maybe worse. And maybe she would have hurt you with a kitchen tool instead of smacking you with her hand, if that is what she did.

    And maybe she would have kept that baby, and she would have been a  mother now. How very unfortunate that would have been to her child. You can imagine, can’t you, how her very angry and abusive behavior would have damaged a vulnerable young child?

    I assure you, if she became a mother to your child, she would have greatly harmed that child, and she would have continued to abuse you as well. That anger (which fueled her borderline-personality-disorder behavior) doesn’t go away because one becomes a mother. On the contrary, it gets worse, as a young victim is added to the mix.

    anita

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