Dear famo:

“Over time, because there was no more to discuss (except for special situations, misunderstandings, or annoyances), our conversations and chats have decreased“- have the conversations decreased after repeated misunderstandings and annoyances?

What was the nature of the misunderstandings and annoyances before the communication between the two of you decreased?

“Our meetings are limited to once a week or about every 10 days, and we practically do not chat except to say hello and good morning… For about 20 days now, he has been saying that he is not feeling well and cannot keep up social relations with anyone, and this has triggered me“- reads like he is depressed overall, and/ or like the relationship is in trouble.

“He doesn’t share his problems with me“- did he share his problems with you in the past, and if he did, how did you respond to him?

I would like to reply further after I hopefully get a reply from you.

anita

*some people

Dear Famo:

I had a moment of recognition when I saw the photo above your screen name, and it may be that  you are using the same screen name as before..? It seems like we communicated before, but under a different account (when I click on your screen name, I don’t get your previous threads). Can you give me a link to our past communication, or tell me the month and year we talked last, and the title of the thread?

Thank you for your appreciation and sentiment!

“For about 20 days now, he has been saying that he is not feeling well and cannot keep up social relations with anyone, and this has triggered me. 1. I feel that this is the beginning of my being ignored in the relationship. 2. I feel that his friends and I are on the same level for him, and I don’t have a special place because when he said ‘no one,’ I was also included among ‘everyone.’… I remember being told by him that I’m too sensitive and that he can’t talk to me without second-guessing everything“-

– he told you that he is not feeling well. Your focus, in the quote above, was not on him not feeling well (what causes him to not feel well, when did it start, what are his symptoms, etc.). Your focus instead was on your fear of being ignored by him, and on his use of the word “anyone”, or “no one” or “everyone” to mean that you are not special to him, that you are not more important to him than other people.

Seems to me that you exhibit (many people do) The Anxious Attachment Style where you fear abandonment, and are focused on possible pieces of evidence that indicate that he is about to abandon you/ end the relationship.

If you complained to him in the past about his use of this or that word to mean more than what it meant (i.e., that he doesn’t think you are special), that would make a person second guess himself, being afraid to say the “wrong” word: the word that will trigger and upset you.

“He doesn’t share his problems with me… many times at work that he randomly shares information about his personal life and family with colleagues. I wonder why I should learn these things at work from him telling others, and not directly from him… he thought he could joke and mess around with me like with other workmates (at work), but I’m not the type to enjoy joking around“- You expressed to him that you don’t like his joking around. In other words, you rejected his expression of himself (his sense of humor) while other co-workers, I imagine, accepted and approved of his sense of humor. No wonder he feels comfortable expressing more of himself with his co-workers.

“When I ask him what’s up, he always answers with ‘nothing!‘”- this is congruent with him secondguessing himself, afraid to say something that will trigger you.

“I see myself as a thoughtful and careful person when he talks to me. I try to listen more than talk every time“- except when you get triggered?

“being ignored… I feel that… I don’t have a special place…I feel unimportant and stressed… feeling neglected in this situation“- you wrote this in regard to your relationship, but does this fit with how you felt as a child?

The above quote fits with my experience as a child: I felt painfully un-special. Other children (and adults) were getting positive attention while I was ignored and neglected. Fast forward, as a teenager and adult, I was very sensitive to any sign that I was ignored and un-special to people: words they said or didn’t say, expressions on their faces when talking to me vs talking to others, etc. Etc., often feel triggered, hurt, envious, and angry.

anita

Dear Famo:

I spent some time trying to locate Luna but wasn’t successful.

“My mind is constantly telling me negative things“- it’s usually the voice of a critical parent replaying in our brains, repeating and expanding on the criticisms given in childhood (called the inner critic).

“And wow, I never thought about me rejecting his expression of himself. You see, his jokes are a little harsh, and it was really hard for me to handle“- it is your right, of course, to reject jokes that are harsh or abusive. I would too, at least I hope I would. So, I am not saying that you shouldn’t have rejected his jokes. I am saying that he may have felt more comfortable around coworkers who enjoyed his jokes, and it could be the reason why he shared some personal details about his life with them.

“Now that I think about it, it could make sense. I actually feel bad now, and I don’t know how to fix this. So basically, I destroyed everything with my triggers“- this is all-or-nothing thinking on your part. It is not true that you destroyed everything.

Reads like it something your inner critic said to you: Famo, you destroy everything!  That’s a harsh, abusive inner critic.

“What should I do about myself, as I feel that I cannot keep things good with me being triggered all the time?“- examine your inner critic’s criticisms: are they true or false, exaggerated or accurate?

Silencing a harsh, abusive inner critic takes time and work but it brings peace to the location where it’s needed most: in-between one’s ears.

“I am being ignorant of the fact that he is depressed because I am too anxious about being left alone, and all I think about is myself“- when a person is too anxious (fearing a perceived danger), the person is naturally focused on one’s safety. It’s when calm, that you can extend attention to the other person.

“he said that he is not able to compromise (‘I don’t want any human interaction at the moment’)“- does this mean that you and him are on a break?

anita