Am I lying? How can I get over this? Need sincere advice ;(

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 5 months ago by Audetta.

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July 12, 2013 at 9:36 am #38486

Carly
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I’ve screwed up twice pretty badly in my relationship of 5 years. My boyfriend knows every detail about the worst one (i cheated on him, and i will never forgive myself for this mistake) and after a rocky patch, he forgave me. Later on I screwed up again (not as bad). I told him the majority. I moved on and everything was fine. My friend bought up one of the memories, and now I can’t stop thinking about it. (The second screw up). For the past week these memories have been consuming my every thought! I have talked to my boyfriend, and retold the story. Now I keep “remembering” more details of it. I was under the influence at the time, but I keep remembering more details and don’t even know if they happened or if I’m just over thinking to much. For example, I’m like “wait, did I kiss his neck?” Or “wait did I flirt back?” And I feel like I did. Than I tear myself up more because I get it in my mind that I’m lying to him because I haven’t told him every detail, than when I do he insists that probably is something my mind is just making up. But what if its not?! And he’s not mad.. And that would be MY fault because I’m not telling the full story. I feel like I’m going crazy! Do I keep bringing it up even though he says to stop that he’s moved on? I feel like the more I tell he is just going to get more mad. But what if more happened!! Ugh please help. I’m so mad at myself and feel like I’m lying to him.

July 12, 2013 at 11:04 am #38493

Matt
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Carly,

Its a sad but necessary lesson almost everyone has to learn: loving people do dumb things. If your boyfriend has accepted it and is trying to move on, telling him is more about your feeling of guilt than honoring the relationship.

Guilt is a great reminder of the things in our past that are unsettled. Our mind churns and churns with what ifs and if onlys, and claws at our brain. Your boyfriend forgave you, so all that’s left is to forgive yourself. Buddha said that intoxication leads to mindless and heedless behavior. Mindless and heedless behavior leads to acting from unskillful places, creating guilt and other things, which seems like what you’re experiencing. It made a complete circuit, its OK to simply breathe and let it go.

Said differently, guilt and shame can create a maze that our mind cycles through over and over. The more you think about it, the more icky it feels. The more icky you feel, the more you think about it. The maze of mirrors has no exit, it is only teacher for the cycle… so instead, we can step aside and be gentle with ourselves.

Consider sitting in a quiet place and do some mindful breathing. As you notice your mind jump to the past or the body quake with icky emotion, you can say “thank you, with humility i learn the lesson. ” and gently bring your attention back to the breath.

You feel like you betrayed the trust of your boyfriend, and so it is more difficult for your heart to trust. Let it go, trust him… he said its enough, so now its really up to you. Have you felt bad enough?

With warmth,
Matt

July 12, 2013 at 12:06 pm #38500
Jeff
Participant
Is telling him more and heaping more pain onto him (and you) going to change what happened? You’ve already told him and apologized. Don’t keep bringing it up because sooner or later he will stop believing you and wonder if you’re leading up to something even worse. That’s a very slippery slope. I think it’s more important for you to understand what your own motivations were when you had more than one indiscretion. That’s the thing you need to come to terms with (in my opinion).
- This reply was modified 11 years, 5 months ago by Jeff.
July 12, 2013 at 12:58 pm #38506

John
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Thank you Matt for putting it so eloquently.

Guilt to some degree is necessary if we’re to learn from our mistakes, but then it can grab a hold of you like nothing else and spiral you down into anxiety and depression. I recognize that if I’m not mindful about it and try to simply push it away, it will attack even more fiercely than before. During meditation, letting feelings of guilt pass through you and give it space to breath is such a powerful exercise.

I take what I need from the experience to help me learn and grow and leave the rest behind.

July 12, 2013 at 3:55 pm #38516

Audetta
Participant

Hi Carly

I noticed that you mention you were ‘under the influence’, does that mean it was not your responsibility? Was it the fault of the substance? If we don’t take responsibility, then we are lying to ourselves and it will therefore go around and around in our heads until we can own up to what really went on for us, perhaps we wanted to do what we did, perhaps it was fun, perhaps because something’s missing in your present relationship? Your boyfriend is not responsible for constantly reassuring you. Looking at your motives may be a help. I hope this is helpful – it’s an honest reflection from me. I wish you the best.
Audette
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