Home→Forums→Relationships→Am I overthinking it ????….
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July 22, 2017 at 4:33 pm #159628
PeytonParticipantHi everyone,
Thank you all in advance for your time.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, it has never been an easy relationship but when it was good it was very good and at times it could be very draining. About 5 months ago we had a conversation about the relationship because it wasn’t in the best place and I was getting fed up with the way things were . It seemed like no matter what was going on in his life or who he was upset with it was I who ultimately paid for it . It seemed to me like he would find something about me he didn’t like , could be something I did or said or whatever and there wouldn’t be a conversation about it , there would be more like accusations? I have tried to explain many times that when he approaches our disagreements with pre-conceived ideas , its very difficult to not try to defend myself and whatever the issue is it gets lost even if there was a genuine concern. I did keep asking myself if I was a bit too sensitive and should have tried to be a bit more understanding of what he was saying but I have become so very tired. I do have to admit I can shut down when it gets too much as it’s just not worth what happens , he can get verbally aggressive and rude. I told him the other day it would be nice for once if when he is angry at me or struggling with something that he didn’t tear me or my character to pieces. He said he doesn’t, of course . A few weeks ago he told me I sucked the life out of him, this was in an argument. I tried to speak to him about some concerns I had and it turned into an argument because he didn’t like what I was saying, this is usually the way . Sometimes it feels like I need to always be on board with everything he says so that we don’t end up arguing. I have tried to be patient but something in me feels like it’s dying , I don’t really want to be intimate and he doesn’t understand why . I have tried to explain why but it ends up with my words being twisted and meaning something else . Well the latest disagreement ended up with us not speaking for a few days , I called, sent messages and he never returned any of the calls and sent me quite short messages and said he was going to be in touch soon as he had some trouble at work. I was actually glad not to argue and was open to conversation. No conversation, just accusations and I told him I wasn’t gong to be sucked into this cycle again. As you can imagine it was my fault that he didn’t return my calls as apparently I didn’t want to have a conversation and I left him alone at a difficult time and I didn’t call him again. It feels like games , manipulations and when he said he was going to take some time apart from us and would be in contact in a few weeks I was a bit relieved? I am sad too . I have noticed that when I have something happy or important going on it feels like I am not allowed to enjoy the moment as his problems or any problems he may have with me tend to overshadow my happy thing . Feels like my attention needs to be drawn back to him, even if it is negative???!! sorry if I’m rambling a bit, my mind is full and I’m trying to figure it all out. Or maybe it’s me and I am overthinking everything …..
July 23, 2017 at 6:00 am #159664
AnonymousGuestDear Peyton:
You wrote: “he approaches our disagreements with pre-conceived ideas”- and I have no doubt that he does, because everyone does. Everyone has pre-conceived ideas, ideas conceived in childhood, brought into adulthood. Thing is, if those ideas are congruent with reality, a person can have healthy relationships. If those ideas are not congruent with reality, and diverge from reality significantly, the person cannot have healthy relationship.
Here is an extreme example: let’s say your boyfriend, as a child, was heavily criticized. His pre-conceived idea, as an adult, is that if a person has a different like than him, or a different opinion, or shows any dissatisfaction with his behavior, then that person is criticizing him. He immediately feels angry and lashes out, accusing, not discussing. It is automatic for him.
Do you think this is the case?
anita
July 23, 2017 at 10:20 am #159726
ElianaParticipantHi Peyton,
In every relationship there are of course, going to be disagreements, conflicts and arguments. However, respect during these conflicts should be had, maybe paraphrasing what the other said such as “I think, you are telling me, that you are not satisfied..” “do you have any ideas on how I can help you feel more..” and vice versa. This is a healthy, loving interchange between two people who disagree, but can compromise on a way to effectively find a solution without verbal abuse, blaming, finger pointing, manipulation, etc.
What he is doing is very disrespectful. Telling someone “they suck the life out of you” shows they are immature, incapable of having a mature adult conversation, unable to resolve conflict and verbally abusive. If someone ever told me this, I would pack up my stuff and leave, I would be very offended by this treatment. He does not seem willing to change his behavior and treat you in a respectful way. Until he can learn to do this, this will only continue and make you miserable. You can tell him, you need to be treated with respect, or perhaps it’s time to go your own ways, unless he can relate to you in a healthier way, perhaps by a “conflict resolution” or professional therapy for unresolved issues. You deserve to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone who treats you with respect, never settle for anything less.
July 25, 2017 at 11:15 am #160122PeytonParticipantHey Anita and Eliana,
Thank you both for your replies.
Anita- yes, i totally thinks this is the case and affects the relationship very negatively and now I am exhausted. I don’t know how to handle it and I’m not sure I want to anymore . He said he needed space and now he wants to meet up, to be honest I don’t want to go .
Eliana- I am very tempted to walk away from this relationship as I am not happy , my mind and body was relieved when he wanted space now I feel rather tense again. I really think that him saying he wanted space was a game to kind of see my reaction, I said it was a good idea because I needed to figure out what’s best for me too . I don’t think he believed me or expected that reaction and so have ignored me .
July 25, 2017 at 4:39 pm #160186ElianaParticipantHi Peyton,
Maybe you both need some space to figure things out, and regroup. Keep us posted.
July 26, 2017 at 10:15 am #160340AnonymousGuestDear Peyton:
I understand you being exhausted as it is not a good way to live, to spend your energy day in and day out on defending yourself from unreasonable accusations. No wonder your body relaxed at the thought of ending this turmoil and it tensed up at the thought of continuing this pain-and-suffering. Good that you noticed.
You wrote: “I don’t know how to handle it and I’m not sure I want to anymore”- I think it is better that you choose to not handle it at all by ending this relationship.
anita
July 29, 2017 at 1:14 pm #160978PeytonParticipantHi ,
A few days ago he told me amongst other thing that I didn’t know how to treat a man and I should make up for taking him for granted and I am a good woman but I have no idea how to treat a man so I said I am taking some time off and that is exactly what I have done. The next day he shows up at my work with flowers apologises and invites me to dinner . To get them off the premises I said I’ll think about it but I didn’t go . I was angry . His response to my not coming was to say he was glad he bought flowers because it showed that he could forgive .I wasn’t even surprised I said nothing. It seemed so self righteous and ridiculous, childish …are those the right words ? He’s texted these past couple days to wish me well at work etc but I am not interested . I just want to take care of myself now , mentally , emotionally and physically.
Peyton
July 30, 2017 at 8:20 am #161070AnonymousGuestDear Peyton:
You wrote that he brought the flowers to you as his apology to you (“he shows up at my work with flowers apologises”). Here is a definition of the word “apologize” (or apologise, different spelling): to express regret for something one has done wrong.
Later he told you that “he was glad he bought flowers because it showed that he could forgive”- to forgive suggests that it is you who has done something wrong.
This leads me to believe that his apology gesture (flowers) was not sincere. I think it is a good choice on your part to take a break, better make it a very, very long break.
The title of your thread is “Am I overthinking it???”- maybe an appropriate answer is something like this: once you figure out the person you are dealing with is insincere, you stop overthinking because you already figured out all you have to figure out in regard to the person.
anita
July 30, 2017 at 11:27 am #161120PeytonParticipantHello and thank you Anita,
I believe that you are absolutely correct . He is not sincere or genuine in his words or actions and I think a part of me knew it as well . Yes, it’s always as if I have done something wrong and should apologise , it’s always the way . There always have to be an apology about something , from me . He’s usually glad he’s done or said something . I used to think the apologies he demanded from me were apologies he never got from his mum or dad for his rotten childhood.
Well, today I felt a bit sad and missed him or missed what we might have been doing this weekend but that feeling was soon over . I am OK and when I’m not, I soon will be .
Peyton
July 31, 2017 at 7:30 am #161254AnonymousGuestDear Peyton:
Like you suggested, I agree: he is likely demanding apologies from you that he never got from his parents. He probably deserves apologies from them, as they offended him. On the other hand, you didn’t. He is likely to go through life, unfortunately, demanding apologies from non-offending parties, pointing the finger of blame at others.
I like your positive attitude, stating that you are okay, and that when you are not, you soon will be. I hope you post again, anytime you’d like.
anita
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