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Am I the only one?

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  • This topic has 3 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by anita.
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  • #368250
    talia
    Participant

    My best friend and I have been going strong for 10 years. (he is male, I am female) We have always lived together during college & they are truly a delight to live with: great boundaries, attunement, holds space for me, cleans, is highly reciprocal, we both practice interdependence. Right now I am 21 and am nearing completion of my university degree and have recently started seeing someone romantically (I identify as queer, preferring women over men & my s/o is a woman). Upon reflecting on my future, I imagine myself living with my best friend, for a very long time. As in, that sounds ideal to me (in conjunction with my romantic partner). They have expressed the same feelings. In our society, friendships can be quite shallow, so I wonder if that is why splitting away from friends is widely accepted, however me & my best friend’s connection is so deep, I simply cannot imagine living apart from them. Quite frankly, I want to “spend the rest of my life with them” but only in a platonic/familial sense. I have no romantic or sexual desire for them, only a deep appreciation and gratitude for their existence and a desire to continue having them closely in my life. I feel that this is very atypical, to have such a strong feeling to grow old with a friend. Has anyone else ever felt this way? In general, I want to be in proximity with my loved ones. Ideally, I’d love to live in a little community with them. But I think because we have been friends for so long, always lived together, and know each other so well, I just don’t see the point in changing that for the sake of societal expectations. Would love to hear if anyone has had similar feelings/experiences!

    #368271
    anita
    Participant

    Dear talia:

    Welcome back, talia.

    “My best friend and I have been going strong for 10 years… (our)  connection is so deep, I simply cannot imagine living apart from them. Quite frankly, I want to ‘spend the rest of my life with them’ but only in a platonic/ familial sense… I feel that this is very atypical, to have such a strong feeling to grow old with a friend”-

    – In a previous thread, you shared: “my situations at home: molestation, emotional abandonment, financial insecurity, and emotionally vacant parents”- I can understand you wanting to never again live in an emotionally vacant home, but instead, live “in a little community” where people are intimately connected.

    If the best friend of 10 years that you are referring to here, is the same man you shared about before, the one you were best friends since 7th grade- it is not that you and him were platonic friends all along- this is a man you lived for a while as a boyfriend and a fiancé- you were engaged to him. The two of you were intimately and sexually connected for a long time, before and after he came out to you as a bisexual, later as a gay man, and back as a bisexual, so it seems. Therefore, it is indeed an atypical situation in more than one way.

    anita

     

    #369767
    talia
    Participant

    Hi Anita.

     

    Thank you for your response. It is the same man. I think perhaps I wish to forget our complicated past, wishing to pretend that none of our various past relationships have affected me. But the truth is, with each of those different titles, they create the actual history of our relationship which helps me understand why I feel this way. I need to stop shaming myself for my reality, it seems.

    Best,

    talia

    #369777
    anita
    Participant

    Dear talia:

    You are welcome. You do have a lot of history with this man. You wrote: “I need to stop shaming myself for my reality, it seems”- can/ will you tell me more about his shaming yourself for your reality?

    anita

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