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Am I the only one?

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  • #368250
    talia
    Participant

    My best friend and I have been going strong for 10 years. (he is male, I am female) We have always lived together during college & they are truly a delight to live with: great boundaries, attunement, holds space for me, cleans, is highly reciprocal, we both practice interdependence. Right now I am 21 and am nearing completion of my university degree and have recently started seeing someone romantically (I identify as queer, preferring women over men & my s/o is a woman). Upon reflecting on my future, I imagine myself living with my best friend, for a very long time. As in, that sounds ideal to me (in conjunction with my romantic partner). They have expressed the same feelings. In our society, friendships can be quite shallow, so I wonder if that is why splitting away from friends is widely accepted, however me & my best friend’s connection is so deep, I simply cannot imagine living apart from them. Quite frankly, I want to “spend the rest of my life with them” but only in a platonic/familial sense. I have no romantic or sexual desire for them, only a deep appreciation and gratitude for their existence and a desire to continue having them closely in my life. I feel that this is very atypical, to have such a strong feeling to grow old with a friend. Has anyone else ever felt this way? In general, I want to be in proximity with my loved ones. Ideally, I’d love to live in a little community with them. But I think because we have been friends for so long, always lived together, and know each other so well, I just don’t see the point in changing that for the sake of societal expectations. Would love to hear if anyone has had similar feelings/experiences!

    #368271
    anita
    Participant

    Dear talia:

    Welcome back, talia.

    “My best friend and I have been going strong for 10 years… (our)  connection is so deep, I simply cannot imagine living apart from them. Quite frankly, I want to ‘spend the rest of my life with them’ but only in a platonic/ familial sense… I feel that this is very atypical, to have such a strong feeling to grow old with a friend”-

    – In a previous thread, you shared: “my situations at home: molestation, emotional abandonment, financial insecurity, and emotionally vacant parents”- I can understand you wanting to never again live in an emotionally vacant home, but instead, live “in a little community” where people are intimately connected.

    If the best friend of 10 years that you are referring to here, is the same man you shared about before, the one you were best friends since 7th grade- it is not that you and him were platonic friends all along- this is a man you lived for a while as a boyfriend and a fiancé- you were engaged to him. The two of you were intimately and sexually connected for a long time, before and after he came out to you as a bisexual, later as a gay man, and back as a bisexual, so it seems. Therefore, it is indeed an atypical situation in more than one way.

    anita

     

    #369767
    talia
    Participant

    Hi Anita.

     

    Thank you for your response. It is the same man. I think perhaps I wish to forget our complicated past, wishing to pretend that none of our various past relationships have affected me. But the truth is, with each of those different titles, they create the actual history of our relationship which helps me understand why I feel this way. I need to stop shaming myself for my reality, it seems.

    Best,

    talia

    #369777
    anita
    Participant

    Dear talia:

    You are welcome. You do have a lot of history with this man. You wrote: “I need to stop shaming myself for my reality, it seems”- can/ will you tell me more about his shaming yourself for your reality?

    anita

    #372433
    talia
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am not sure if it was a typo or not, but he does not shame me for our past, rather, I shame myself for having an enmeshed connection with him, even after working on boundaries, mindfulness, nurturing myself, and much more (enmeshed as in a deep emotional attachment, in which I cannot imagine my life without him at all). Because our relationship is so healthy & joyful right now in the present, it’s as if my instinct is to completely disregard the past. To deny my own reality, as you worded it. I need to accept that my reality is that we have had a complicated relationship that cannot be undone, but only accepted and worked through. Lately, I have been practicing turning inward a lot more, and it feels wonderful, but it is also terrifying to not rely on him as much. It feels like abandonment. This is the reality of emotional enmeshment combined with my origin story.

    Best,

    talia

     

    #372435
    anita
    Participant

    Dear talia:

    Good to have you back here. Yes, it was a typo. You shared most recently that you have “an enmeshed connection… a deep emotional attachment” to this man (let’s refer to him as M), that you can’t imagine your life without him, and that “it is also terrifying to not rely on him as much. It feels like abandonment”.

    You wrote: “My instinct is to completely disregard the past. To deny my own reality… the reality of emotional enmeshment combined with my origin story”.

    Since Nov 2018, you shared very little about your origin story, if by origin, you mean childhood: “my situation at home: molestation, emotional abandonment, financial insecurity, and emotionally vacant parents”.

    You shared a whole lot about your story/ relationship with M: you were best friends since 7th grade, started dating in high school, and lived together for over a year. He proposed to you and you accepted. But the second year of the relationship was “pretty rocky.. intensely arguing every day.. he was depressed… he was very wishy-washy. One day he’d be planning a future with me, the next day would be a series of ‘I don’t know’s. He was very closed off to me emotionally and physically… The intense arguing.. spiraling wildly out of control.. slammed doors, silent treatment, manipulation, and awful communication…. I always felt powerless and trapped”.

    You mentioned before this thread that your relationship history consisted on only one relationship, and that was your relationship with M. In this thread, you shared that you have a significant other (who is not this man). I am wondering, are you still in a relationship with the significant other, and if so, how is the connection/ relationship with her?

    Also, if you want to, can you share a bit more about your childhood? I ask these questions because I want to understand better your enmeshment and attachment to M.

    anita

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