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Amazing first date

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • May 7, 2017 at 5:02 am #148321
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hey!

    So I haven’t been here for a while! It’s good to be back! I’ve been in Africa for a few weeks on a humanitarian trip and definitely recommend doing something like this if you’re stuck somewhere in life, it really puts things in perspective! So on that note, I’m here because I’ve put myself out there after a year of being single and had an amazing first date last night! Me & this guy have been talking for about a month and I decided to take the plunge & agreed to meeting him. The date went amazingly, we went for drinks at a local bar and the time flew by and when the barman called last orders I just didn’t want the night to end, he walked me home along the beach & it was just lovely 🙂

    Anyway – just here for a small bit of advice really. For years I have been a people pleaser and would always make the moves and I have tried (and think succeeded so far) to take a back seat and let him do the work (not all the work, but approaching me first to make plans). I am however getting a little stuck on the fine line between playing games (for me this is not texting straight back when on most occasions I’d like to) and allowing him to take charge. He texts me all the time and when I text him he is always very quick to respond, and I like that, I like that there is no silence or lack of communication there – seems like he doesn’t care if I think he’s keen and he’s quite happy to show that. So my question really is, do I continue to allow him to ask about our next date(s) and not approach these things first, or do I occasionally make plans? I don’t want to think I’m not interested but I guess equally I wouldn’t want to steer things in a direction I’d like, as opposed to how he would like.
    The long short of it is I want to make sure that he likes me and isn’t going along with things because I want them, as before I have steered and sped things up with a guy without him actually having to do anything and from experience this puts me in positions where I like the guy more than he likes me.

    Thanks alot in advance! 🙂  xx

    May 7, 2017 at 6:31 am #148323
    Craig
    Participant

    Poppyxo,

    For the love of all that is right and holy and divine (I’m exaggerating for effect), if you want to see this guy, then just SAY SO and discuss making plans WITH him. What’s up with all the calculating?

    Craig

     

    May 7, 2017 at 7:14 am #148331
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    It’s not like I haven’t been forward in that I like him etc I’m not playing hard to get. It’s just in the past I have approached the guy to make the plans about where to go and what to do and sometimes I’ve been in positions where actually the guy doesn’t like me in terms of relationship material and is only after one thing or I get into a relationship with a guy who has minimal investment because I’m doing all the work. I don’t want to get into that trap again – it’s finding the middle ground, by not being too guarded.

    Make sense?

    May 7, 2017 at 7:26 am #148335
    Craig
    Participant

    I think I see. You’re trying to figure out how not to repeat behaviors that didn’t work out very well for you, particularly if you end up thinking you’ve done all the work. An analogy I heard once was that a relationship is like a boat. If only one person is rowing, then the boat will go in circles. It takes two, and it seems that you’re trying to discern when/if you’re rowing too much. Did I get that?

    May 7, 2017 at 7:52 am #148339
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Yes, that’s right. I don’t want to come off cold and allow him to think he has to make all the plans, but I don’t want to row the boat too much and make all the decisions.

    May 7, 2017 at 8:17 am #148349
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Poppyxo:

    You wrote: “before I have steered and sped things up with a guy without him actually having to do anything”- that was extreme, you doing ALL the work while he did none. And so, like you wrote, it is about “finding the middle ground”.

    It is also about not micro-managing the plans for a future date.

    What I would do, if I was you, would be to let him know I am interested in a future date, soon enough. Sure, I wouldn’t bombard him with messages regarding this, but respond to him with your honest interest. Do not appear disinterested or neutral (that would be dishonest, playing games, as you called it).

    On the other hand, I wouldn’t suggest where to go, when, how (micro- manage), so to communicate with him that seeing him again, spending more time with him, is what is important to you, not the location, the events you attend (not at this point anyway, not at the very start of a relationship).

    anita

    May 7, 2017 at 8:31 am #148351
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Thank you – he has text and asked about our next date, so I responded saying of course, where shall we go? To which we bounced ideas off each other and he suggested a place that we have now confirmed for a second date. I think it’s just getting out of the ‘normal’ or should I say my ‘normal’ unhealthy ways and into new healthier ways of not being ‘in control’ all the time. I guess this will only come with practice 🙂

    May 7, 2017 at 8:36 am #148353
    Craig
    Participant

    The great thing is that you are aware of a behavior pattern you would like to change. With you working on your side, and interacting with a guy who’s willing to do his part, you may be able to make the change you want fairly easily. Your awareness of yourself makes it possible to not reflexively repeat behaviors in yourself that you’re trying to change.

    May 7, 2017 at 9:14 am #148357
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Yes, I’m glad I have this awareness, I think maybe I’m trying to gain validation when I already have the answers inside. Sometimes its just nice to bounce these things off people and hear the responses. 10 years in relationships that suck is not good and I think sometimes I worry more about potential outcomes instead of just trusting myself.

    May 7, 2017 at 9:23 am #148359
    Craig
    Participant

    I think seeking validation as you’re trying to learn a new behavior (unlearn an old one) is pretty wise. My experience is that it takes practice, repetition, and checking with others how it looks, to see and make progress. Thanks for sharing this part of your growth, and good luck!!

    May 8, 2017 at 4:23 am #148451
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Thanks both of you.

     

    May 8, 2017 at 7:04 am #148467
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Poppyxo. Anytime!

    anita

    May 8, 2017 at 3:16 pm #148547
    Craig
    Participant

    You’re welcome!

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