Hi Nina,

My story isn’t dramatic like yours, and it isn’t even a story. It’s a changed mindset.

I was raised by slightly paranoid parents who were always afraid of being sued. Also grew up in an intellectual orbit and cut my teeth on double entendres, Survival of the Fittest dogma, and high brow radio/TV programs. So there was a part of me that TRULY, truly believed that people don’t care (not about me, anyway) and are only out for themselves (and their family if feeling charitable that day). That if they think about you at all, they would turn on you if they had to.

I grew up, moved, and life went on. Was raising my family in a similar “cosmopolitan” community, but softer around the edges because it was so child centric. Now my belief system unconsciously changed to “They’ll love you, but only if you’re 20 and under”.

Well, my FIL died. We drove 45 minutes away back to our hometown. All the townies and family members were there. It wasn’t a packed church, but most of the pews had at least some friends in them. Violins were playing outside the church and Scottish bagpipers were playing inside. I get up and say my speech, don’t notice anything/anyone out of the ordinary. Sit down. The military flag men were there. They folded up the American flag with pomp and circumstance and handed it to my MIL. Everyone was losing it with crying at this point.

I happen to look past my MIL and do a shocked double-take. Meeting my eyes and smiling were: The parish nurse and the head pastor of our church! We had told no one that my FIL had died, much less when and where the service was! And besides, this was 45 long minutes away from our home! They DIDN’T have to do this! They knew NO ONE! I wouldn’t have done it myself. Yes, they are paid to watch the flock, HOWEVER, I had never seen it IRL before!!

Some people really do Walk the Talk. They had to have followed my FIL’s progress (they did know he was sick), and find out from another town’s paper, make time and go. It seems like “nothing” but that one (ONE) act of kindness changed my belief system that people are (or can be) Good.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by Inky.

Hey Anita
you deserve all the praise you get . But I’m going to scale back my presence on here, one reason being I may be actually causing you more harm than good. Other members showing resentment of our natural alliance which I had no political motive whatsoever. We gelled naturally and they felt left out, simple as that.
Keep on doing what you’re doing though because as Saisha said you are making a difference, the best I’ve seen on any forum. I don’t have that level of dedication and energy which is totally awesome.
I was going to do a fun LLama Jack eulogy (to myself)even I haven’t quite left yet. 🙂
Take care. the privilege has been all mine.
And as for real life. I’m not pretending I like you, your courage and tenacity. that’s the real deal!

Dear Jack:

I didn’t read yet your other recent posts. As to this one: you called it “natural alliance” between us and I like the term, especially the Natural part of it. I did not expect that, this natural alliance taking me for a ride of a lifetime- had no idea it was possible, couldn’t foresee it. It still amazes me and probably always will. I didn’t know, I didn’t realize the nature of living without protection my whole childhood and five decades overall. I didn’t realize what it meant until you came to my defense. You, with your fears, you displayed the kind of courage that nobody in my life did for fifty years. When I experienced how that feels, I also experienced by comparison, how it really was. You are my hero, Jack!

So about your thought that you may be doing me more harm than good, nothing I can think of can be FARTHER from the truth. You are it, Jack, you made the most BY FAR positive difference in my life on this forum and you, on this forum, together with three other people (in different ways) in my life otherwise, made the most positive difference in my life.

I am not here to make a difference in the lives of others. I am pleased when it is suggested that I do make a positive difference, but that I enjoy as a side effect of my real goal, which is to make a difference in my own life. To make a positive difference in my own life through interactions on this forum, I understand, it has to be a win-win. So I keep going as long as I get positive feedback from others, a few others, so that I know it is a Win proposition for some others.

About your last paragraph here, the self love thing- the amazing thing is that the more loving I am to another, the more love I feel for you, here, the more love I feel for myself. It is not this OR that. It is both. I am lovable because I am loving, is what I am finding out- through my interactions with you. I had no idea about this one. Remember Intellectual Irene? I thought my value was about my ability to analyze and figure things out intellectually, but I was wrong, my value is in my ability to love.

I am finding out those things from a Beginning-mind kind of position, not something I read. This is uncharted territory for me.

Of course I would like you to do what is right for you, regarding participating in this forum or not. Is it going to be a good practice for you, asserting yourself, standing up for yourself over and over again on this forum as practice for life outside this forum, as in the coffee shop or in a public speaking class? I don’t know, but that would be an example of how participation here might be useful for you. You decide and whatever you decide is okay with me. Sure I will miss you but in no way would I want you to act against yourself so to help me- this is not how things operate, always, it must be a Win-Win.

Of course, I am not excited about leaving my email address on this forum but I am absolutely willing, if you- in the context of your relationship with your partner outside this forum- are okay with it, I am willing to go that way. Maybe if either writes to the owner of the website who has our emails asking her to help in this regard, I am willing.

To your next post.

anita

I thought my value was about my ability to analyze and figure things out intellectually, but I was wrong, my value is in my ability to love.

That is a truly profound insight. And made me think about my own ability to love.
Buddhists say we should have a kind of neutral, equal kind of love for everyone, that is free of likes and dislikes. I don’t think I could ever achieve that kind of love. I don’t think I have this broad love and acceptance of humanity, which maybe you have I think.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by jock.