Dear cyrus1987:

I see it/ read it again and again: people who feel lonely or otherwise distressed perceive others- inaccurately- as happy, making assumptions that others are living the life!

Social media, Facebook, is not a true representation of reality. A FB page is a collection of still photos, is it not, of people smiling and having a good time. Still photos, meaning you don’t see the people a second after the photo was taken or an hour after. You don’t see the arguments or fights following the smiles and hugs.

And you see bigger families with many siblings and you inaccurately assume the siblings get along, while often the siblings compete for the little available love from the parents, picking on each other.

And then, someone out there reading your post may say: HE is employed! Lucky him… and working in London- I so wish I worked, so wish I worked in London… and he has “many good friends”- that must be a dream of a life..

But no, the title of your thread is “An emotional wreck?!”- so I believe you. Tell me more about your loneliness, the lonely child that you were and how that child-in-you experiences life currently?

anita

Dear cyrus1987:

You are welcome. When you were a child and had friends and people around you, who was the center of attention? In your family dynamics, who was/ is the center of attention?

anita

Dear cyrus1987:

Maybe the problem, the reason you are “an emotional wreck,” is what you do so to be the center of attention; what you did as a child to be the center of attention and what you still do trying to be the center of attention when with other people.

You “put in a lot of effort” with others- what are those efforts?

anita

Dear cyrus1987:

In your original post you wrote: “i really hope my message made sense. if not, im happy to clarify”-

If you still want to clarify, please answer the following: when you were not the center of attention, as a child, when there were no people around you- and there must have been such times- how was it like for you?

anita

Dear cyrus1987:

In trying to correctly understand people and situations, it is important not to make assumptions and then ride on those assumptions without checking. I made the assumption that you being a center of attention, as a child, in the context of your family, was a good thing. And that it is still a good thing.

Now, I think that assumption was incorrect. I am putting together what you shared below:

” (I) want more siblings: i have a younger sister but not sure why i yearn for another sibling, ideally a brother. i want a bigger family…

(I) do like feeling important by my friends – not so much by my family. i actually prefer socialising than hanging out with family…

I’ve learnt that being the centre of attention is not always good…”

I am thinking of this possibility, and if you are reading this, you can evaluate it for accuracy. Again, this is a possibility:

You were the center of attention as a child, in the context of your family, the only son, perhaps. That attention burdened you, creating distress in you, and you longed to have that distress relieved: if only you had a brother, close in age- maybe then the burden would be shared, your parents would divert some attention away from you, to your brother. Better yet, have many siblings, and so less, way less of that burdensome attention.

And so, you are still motivated at 30, to have a sibling. Too late to have one, at least one close to your age, but the motivation is still that of the child that you were.

You were then motivated to have friends, so to be otherwise occupied, occupied outside the context of the family. In the context of family, with your parents, you weren’t able to be free-to-be-a-kid. You longed for it elsewhere. And you still do, looking for friends, for the same reason.

anita

Dear Cyrus,

Long associations form with time. Sometimes they start in adult hood only and within 2-3 years, they become deep provided we spend lot of time with that person.

So perhaps best way for you to get that group of sorts is to build stronger relationships with the friends you already have. Imagine someday you will get married or your kid gets married and they show up. Wouldnt you have a great dwal to remember over the years??

It’s okay to miss some aspects of friendships. Perhaps you have experienced some that many haven’t. Many don’t get to leave the comfort zone of their home towns and experience an international life style. This has both pros and cons as staying in the same place all the time does.

Regards
Nina

Hey! Wow. I’m so glad I found this because I grew up just like you. Always moving countries and making friends and easily saying bye. As a result I don’t have “day ones”.
I think it’s understandable and okay to feel like this. It makes sense although it’s pretty sad when you don’t have that one friend that has been with you.
Other people might seem fine but I personally feel that some people who have grown up moving around a lot just shake it off Better than others.

I found your post because I was googling for the same thing. It’s not a nice feeling. I easily make friends but keeping them is the problem.