Dear Kat:
You wrote that you’ve been togehter with him for four years and that he told you he had never been sexually attracted to you. Did you have sex in those four years? If so, how was that experience for you? Did he express his feelings about having sex with you during those four years? THroughout FOUR years- all that time- what was the communication regarding sex and/ or while having sex been like?

anita

Kat,

Heartfelt connection is what drives long term attraction. Consider: in the beginning stages of connecting with another, there is a newness, a freshness to their body that creates a lot of attraction. Over time, that attraction naturally diminishes. Like, a brand new car is amazing at first, but over time is just “that old thing”.

Luckily, heartfelt connection more than makes up for that. We are constantly growing and changing, and when we are sharing that growth and change with one another, a deeper, more nurturing attraction happens. This is why him saying things that have been on his chest increased his feeling of attraction. Said differently, his level of desire has nothing to do with your physical beauty. He is falsly associating a non-causal relationship. Like, thinking the symptom is the disease. Oops, no biggie. I’m positive you have plenty of amazing and dazzling womanly features. Sometimes its just difficult to see across a gap.

To close the gap, consider spending more time courageously heart to heart. Such as, drop the filters, become naked before each other, saying what you think and feel. Drop the masks, let it flow out. It may be disorienting, but it gets easier with practice. For instance “I do not find you attractive anymore.” Met by “that hurts my feelings, I’m feeling less beautiful right now” met by “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I’m confused about what to do” met by “let’s talk out whatever this wall is between us, we’ll figure it out” and so on and so forth.

What I have seen, the distance isn’t caused by anything lasting, just two people afraid and pulling back, the goop of daily stress clouding the vision between you two. So take a breath, open up, and dive toward. The goop that comes up can just flow behind you, seen as a side effect of the distance, rather than some enduring problem. Like, the more you two connect directly, the more attractive you appear to one another, the more passion arises, so even if he starts with “you seem ugly right now”, its more like puss than truth. Even for him.

Also, be sure to ask him what his fantasies are, and tell him yours. There are probably a great many things he’d like you to do that you would love to do, but he is afraid to ask. And vice versa.

With warmth,
Matt

Kat,

You definitely seemed to pick up what I was putting down. One thing that was perhaps understated, and not reflected in your response, was the mask-free nakedness and courage in the heartfelt time together. It’s not a matter of time spent, its a matter of truth shared. Like, without filters, sharing the sparkles and agitations. He wore too much cologne last night, the dinner he prepared was really delicious and unexpected, you felt insecure wearing the new shirt today and he didn’t comment on it, he left the toilet seat up and you sat in water, when you saw his calves it made you horny, when he texted you while at work it made you laugh out loud. That kind of thing. Not rapid fire like that (that’s just for examples), but patiently, like unwrapping treasure. How is the connection to him striking you? How is the connection to you striking him?

With warmth,
Matt