Hi Anita,

Because it seems like something final, i feel there is a new chapter in my ongoing docu-drama of suffering. Sometimes i think of that scene in the Princess Bride when the evil henchman says  “now you will suffer like no man has suffered”. Sometimes it feels to me that i am not aware how much of that is on my face, thus affecting how other people interact with me (lately with anger, or avoidance).

I have been ill lately, definitely brought on by the heavy hold my mind has on me. I try to meditate or to take a walk but it just comes back again. I guess thats why i let go of my sense for a while because i was so exhausted by it, trying to hold my thoughts in. I tried writing it down, but it didnt help me as you know. I thought to myself i have to channel it into art or something else..im really trying to get rid of this poison but its got a hold of me and is dragging me down. It didnt help that other life situations were just not working..everything i tried to turn to, just would not go my way.

Lately the new feelings are of anger and hatred. Its almost comical how clearly i seem to be going through all the stages…but to the maximum with overwhelming emotion. Its torture. Some who know Scorpios will say this is a trait, an intensity that initially attracts and inevitably repels people..im aware now that other people just dont feel as intensely..i can almost feel in 3d technicolor sensations within joy, fear, anger and of course misery. I am kind of learning i must hold back my comments. It doesnt seem fair, but to others its just too much of everything.

I was struggling today with such hatred. Its my ex´s birthday tommorow, he will be having a good time. I can only wish chaos and destruction on him, even though he once told me..he actually WANTED chaos and not a routine life? who says that?I know that like a chameleon, he can transform himself to be exactly what the new woman wants..to make her at ease…and thus get her where he wants her, devoted and trapped. He promised me everything at the beginning. He said anything he could to keep me, then once he had me, the interest had to be won.

I feel myself literally breathing fire directed at him. I feel like conjuring up a spell to ruin his day. And i know i am the one who is hurting, not him. I dont know what to do if i ever see him again but confrontation is not for him anyway. He would rather avoid..and move on to another naive face while his friends look on in awe and in shame at his horrible behaviour. I wish someone would drop him for this..but they like his money and influence too much i guess. Shallow crowd.

So instead of crying, now i am full of rage and tension. Him telling me i can´t go near his family..whilst threatening me and my family..and what if they are at an event im at, then what? thats not fair, thats not right. I havent had any warning given by anyone else other than himself. There is no knowing that its just him. I just dont know why no one ever seems to communicate except for me. Silence from the crowd to me is the worst thing of all. I dont want to get to 70 and have somebody come up to me to confess they are sorry they didnt reach out at the time, that he was wrong and that they all knew it..but thats life right? Im the one who will have to carry the shame and misery of how people will pity and avoid me, while he gets to continue on with his life.