fbpx
Menu

Anger towards my boyfriend

Home→Forums→Relationships→Anger towards my boyfriend

New Reply
Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • November 7, 2015 at 10:44 pm #86971
    Theresa
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I was wondering if anyone had any advice for a situation I’m in.
    I love my boyfriend very much, we have been going out for a year now and we’ve always been able to have fun and laugh together. However, recently, he told me that he had just picked up the courage to tell me he gets upset when I frequently get angry with him. He said that I can be a bit hot-headed and quick to anger and he’s noticed it ever since we first started going out- he just didn’t want to tell me so I wouldn’t get upset or break up with him. At first I actually did get upset because I wished he had told me earlier so I could’ve worked on it but I got where he was coming from. Later on that evening, I recounted all the times I had got angry with him for little things that didn’t matter and I knew that he was right.
    I’m sorry this is quite long but I just wondered if anyone out there had any advice on how to stop letting little things get to me and how to stop myself being such a hot-headed and irritable person towards him? Because I love him a lot, and knowing I hurt him makes me feel awful. I just want to learn how to maybe appreciate all the things he’s doing instead of picking out bad things all the time.

    Thank you so much!

    November 8, 2015 at 5:22 am #86972
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Theresa,

    I’m going to offer the thought that showing your anger is a bad habit. You get irritated because he’s “safe” to show irritation towards. And I bet you don’t even know when you’re doing it half the time! I’m not criticizing you, I actually have the exact same problem!!

    What has helped me was to periodically check-in mentally with myself. Then I will pretend that I am on a second or third date with my DH!! Instantly I am polite, calm, soft-spoken, and if he then spills the coffee ~ it’s not a big deal! When I’m un-mindful he can notice it and lets me know ~ and believe me, some of those times I have no idea I even give off that vibe!!

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    November 8, 2015 at 7:08 am #86974
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Theresa:

    You have my appreciation for being willing to take responsibility for a behavior that is harmful to you and to another. Lots of people will not do that and therefore, will not grow or make it possible for the relationships they are in to grow, to improve, to get better and better.

    I like his assertion, your boyfriend. I like it that even though he has been afraid of your anger and afraid of losing you, that he had the courage to let you know how he feels. Feedback like that is so very important, necessary. If I was you, I would encourage him to continue this way, as you do: this is the way to make it. I would show him that this assertion of his, that you are taking it seriously and respectfully. I would talk with him about it, examine it, make improvements. And always remember it is a two way street. None of you is perfect, never will be, and this honest, direct, back and forth RESPECTFUL communication is necessary for the long run.

    As to your question” “how to stop letting little things get to me and how to stop myself being such a hot-headed and irritable person towards him?” My tendency when looking at a question like that is to see the bigger picture first, that is, seeing what big things did get to you in the past, made you angry in the past, in childhood, most likely?

    My thinking is, your anger from the past, anger at the BIG THINGS, anger that was not resolved, still there at THOSE things, is circulating and circulating and attaching itself to this little thing and that little thing.

    And it is not the little things. It is the big things not resolved.

    IF this is so, what are the big things?

    I would like to read your reply either way. I am curious. And hoping that I could help somehow, somewhat.

    anita

    November 15, 2015 at 9:19 am #87525
    Theresa
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you very much for the reply- I’m sorry about the delay, my computer was gone for repairs. I think you really hit the nail on the head! Several terrible things have happened in my past, such as being sexually assaulted when I was younger- the police never found the culprit and just closed the case. Those events really scarred me, but funnily at the time I felt no emotion. It wasn’t until a year after it had happened that I started to get very angry. I lost a lot of my friends, was constantly bombarded with suicidal thoughts and I gave up many things I loved such as music and art. It didn’t help that I had extremely strict parents that would make me feel completely small and unwanted. Anyway, without making it sound like too much of a sob story, yes, certain things have happened to me that have filled several years of my life with anger so it’s completely possible that I project it onto my boyfriend. I know in my heart that it really isn’t fair on him. Haha, but you’re right, I love his assertion too! He really opened my eyes to my behaviour when he told me that. Both of us have followed your advice and are tying to communicate respectfully and openly, so thank you.

    Now my only problem is- how do I get over the anger from my past so that it doesn’t affect our potentially amazing future together? All i do is blame myself for being abused.

    Thank you, from Theresa

    November 15, 2015 at 9:24 am #87527
    Theresa
    Participant

    Hey Inky,

    Thank you, you couldn’t be more spot on! I keep pushing his buttons and I know it’s not right but every time I feel anger I just project it onto him. Sometimes I maybe think it’s because he seems like an ‘easy target’ in my mind- not because I want to hurt him but because he is such a sweet and understanding person- If you get what I mean? Haha I’m glad we’re in the same boat!

    Thank you very much for the reply and advice, you’ve opened my eyes to a new perspective that I am definitely willing to try, thank you!

    From Theresa

    November 15, 2015 at 11:49 am #87535
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Theresa:

    You are welcome. Your thread and two last posts make a perfect example of approaching a problem on two fronts: one is insight into the past that keeps living in the present, fueling the problem, that is the past being re-activated and “bleeding” into the present, my approach here, and the other front of dealing with a problem is Inky’s- focusing on the present only, dealing with it practically now. In this case Inky and I cooperated so well and that is why you wrote to each one of use that we hit the nail on the head/ being spot on. Being spot on two fronts.

    And this is how you move forward, with this, I believe, on these two fronts.

    Communicating well with your boyfriends is of crucial importance. The context of a good relationship IS THE CONTEXT in which it is possible to work on the past injury. Having him on your side and you being on his side.

    The injuries in your past, both the sexual assault and the very inadequate parenting, are significant injuries that keep bleeding, so to speak. The injuries, the traumas, are alive in the present in the form of neural connections in your brain. “Little things” in the present activate those pathways and you feel great anger, all that anger at past injuries.

    The message in that anger, in that anger reactivity, in the anger too great to be explained by the little incidents provoking it, is that there is something for you to process. At first, you felt nothing, after the sexual assault because you dissociated. The anger went hiding, but not gone. Now the anger is connected to thoughts and feelings causing behaviors that are harming you. That anger needs to be rewired in a process that is possible and takes time and patience and it can be done in the context of good therapy and/or an honest, loving relationship.

    Place your energy as Inky suggested and as I suggested in the relationship with your boyfriend first: this is the basis for further, deeper work. Then there is the therapy work that needs to be done in facing the hurt and fear and anger of the past injuries.

    Did you attend therapy? If you did, it was not adequate and/or not complete. Going to better therapy, perhaps?

    anita

    November 15, 2015 at 12:39 pm #87536
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again,
    Oh, I’m so sorry for the sexual assault!! What you can do (what I have done) is take Krav Maga class. It is Israeli street fighting. Not only do you get in shape, but they work with your natural muscle movements and muscle memories. So that if someone tries something you will defend yourself in the easiest AND most effective (damaging) way against the assailant.

    You get your anger out in classes (it is so intense for me, frankly, that I don’t have mental/emotional capacity left for anger/emotion) and you learn something practical.

    If you can’t find a class, go on Amazon and order a book or look at instructional You Tube videos.

    I know I said in another post that I was a Christian, HOWEVER, in this situation I would allow for a ritual (go online or make one up) involving candles/props (to make it more real) to release the incident and/or bring the guy the Karma/Justice he deserves!

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
    November 15, 2015 at 1:41 pm #87542
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * One more thing, Theresa. You wrote: “All i do is blame myself for being abused.” This is what characterizes abuse- that the abused takes the fault for being abused. Children do it, take the responsibility for being abused by parents. They take it into adulthood, feeling inadequate and wrong. Only through healing and placing the responsibility where it belongs, is healing possible. Only by getting the responsibility thing correct, can you heal and place the abuse in the past.

    Therapy may be required. Through therapy coming to a place where you BELIEVE it was not your fault. You probably know this on a superficial intellectual level, but deep inside you believe that it was your fault.

    This way part of you keeps abusing the inner child part of you, the innocent part of you. Part of you believed the abuser, took his side AGAINST you. And that part lives inside you. It keeps pointing to you in an accusing way.

    And the innocent part, the accused, keeps being angry. She keeps saying: BUT IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!

    Truth is, it was not your fault. And truth will keep pushing its way to your full awareness: it was not my fault! It was not my fault!

    And until you believe the child in you, the innocent, abused part of you, she will not stop fighting for the truth, making herself heard. And each time your bf does something annoying, she comes out and says: it was not my fault! It was not my fault!

    anita

    November 15, 2015 at 1:52 pm #87543
    Anonymous
    Guest

    The innocent girl in you screaming angrily: it was/ is not my fault, is most of what makes your anger. The behavior by the boyfriend is the trigger. Your anger is mostly about the past injury, the girl fighting for the truth. BELIEVE her and she will stop being angry. Believe her and she will stop fighting angrily to be believed.

    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.