Dear Danni:

We are born loving and lovable. We love our parents completely, unconditionally, eager to please them, to get their approval. If we are fortunate, our parents, at least one of them, loves us back, lets us know in their talk and behavior that they SEE us, see how we feel and that our feelings are valid and reasonable and they help us in all the ways we desperately need to be helped and guided. Most importantly, they love us back, if we are fortunate.

When that doesn’t happen, when the child is ignored, dismissed, neglected and/ or abused, the child grows up with anxiety, distress that hurts them as adults.

… so what do you do? You need a HEALING relationship to make up for the relationship/s that hurt you, the one with a parent/s. This can happen in the context of good psychotherapy where you get to have a professional but … loving relationship with a therapist who is empathetic to you, who SEES you and makes you feel that your feelings are valid and that they make sense. Through that relationship you gain insight and understanding and eventually.. you finally get to love yourself.

Did you think of psychotherapy? Please do post again.

anita

Well, I don’t know how bad your anxiety is, but myself, whenever I feel very anxious or sense a panic attack coming I go somewhere quiet, close my eyes and take ten slow deep breaths. If you can’t find a quiet place [I know that’s not always plausible] just stop and take some slow deep breaths.

Meditation, journaling, and mindfulness has also helped my anxiety. Specifically you should try meditation and journaling. Meditation can help calm yourself after a busy day, journaling can bring insight. My first journal I would carry with me and whenever I wanted to remember something I would write it down. After some time, go back and read though the journal. You will find some things that might help you. My one journal I have had for almost 3 years [I started August 2013 and I’m down to my last couple pages] I would go over it on new year’s because enough time passed I could observe my thoughts better. 2013 i was very bitter, still mad at my ex, even though I have an amazing boyfriend and the breakup was 3 years prior. I felt I moved on, 2013 i started journaling to find what I want to do with my life, and reviewing I realized a lot of my goals at the time were fueled by a ‘I’ll show my ex’ attitude. 2015 ended and I’m finally over the ex hurdle, but I noticed other ‘problems’ I wasn’t aware of. Point is, you might be able to pinpoint where to ‘start’ through journaling.

When I started my journey of self discovery [hate that term but I guess it works] I made a list at the beginning of what I wanted and why. [And reading it years later I can’t help but shake my head at what a fool I was] a list might help you find your first big ‘complaint’ with yourself. After I found mine I read a lot of articles on the subject which usually branched into similar fields, and I would slowly shift my effort from one problem to the next. So, I feel you shouldn’t focus but flow. One day your energy might be all about weightloss, the next day you might want to finish a book you started 6 months ago. While you are still eating right and exercising more, it will eventually become second nature, so juggling goals will help you.

Granted, that’s just stuff that helped me and I simply stumbled into it lol ^_^; if you feel you can’t do it alone, talking to friends, family, or perhaps a councillor might help more. Good luck to you.

Dear Danni:

Sounds like not a good therapist. Plenty of not good therapists. If you do not know it, you will be amazed how this is so. I finally found a good therapist at fifty! A good enough, hard working, dedicated therapist who gave me all he had, trying to help me. And he wasn’t perfect, made mistakes but he sure tried hard and he did help me. He jump started me on the Healing Path.

Can you try another therapist, if you don’t feel a connection on the first visit (My first session with my good therapist was free, wouldn’t it be nice if you were given that?), do not go for a second session….

anita

* Dear sivi: In your interactions with people, it is impossible for you to give, give, give with no return AND be well. When you invest in people, that is when you give, Return on Investment has to be considered for your own well being. Interactions and relationships have to be Win-Win otherwise someone loses. And it reads to me that you have been losing for quite a while.
Would you like to start a new thread on this matter?
anita

Sivi, you need to get in touch with yourself. I mentioned journaling above, it really helped me. I thought it was silly at first, and I would skip a day here and there when there was nothing I deemed note worthy, but it’s a good tool to help you work through problems. Example, if you have a knot in your stomach, you could read over the days events to figure out when it started, or you could note how you feel in given situations. [Out with friends, but feel nervous] slowly you’ll begin to realize why. Therapy is another option, it will give someone to talk to and help you with these suicidal thoughts. If you can’t for whatever reason, try calling a helpline just to have someone to talk to and offer advice.

Meditation can also help you connect with your inner self. Don’t worry if your mind chatters away, the key is to let the thoughts flow. Some days you won’t think of anything and still your mind, other days you’ll have that annoying song you heard a billion times today playing on repeat, or your mind will recall events, just let it be. Keeping a notepad nearby can help should you realize anything. You also could do it whenever. Sitting on the bus or sipping your morning coffee [or tea in my case] just lean back and observe the world around you. No phone, no music, just let your mind go free.

Also, while I don’t suggest cutting ties with everyone, you might consider making a list of people you can rely on, people you can’t, people who make you feel amazing and people who drain your energy. Think about spending more time with the ones that build you up [family for example, and friends you consider family] in high school I had a huge network of friends, we may not of been close, but I knew a lot of people and we would talk and hang out on a regular basis. It’s been almost 10 years since we graduated. I can count my close friends on one hand, and if I include online friends and friends I only see at conventions I’m up to 12. Yet I don’t deal with drama or people bringing me down. I was sad when I realized I only have a handful of close friends all these years later, but I’ve come to accept and in fact love this. Friends aren’t trading cards.

Good luck to you.