Dear joanna:

I hope this is indeed therapeutic for you, to post here, and that if it is, that you continue to post for as long as you need and want to.

Of course, his rude behavior toward you does not indicate that you are not worthy or less worthy than otherwise. It indicates that he is rude.

Your anxiety got worse, reads to me, as a result of the interactions with him and I hope that not having him in your life (or any other rude people you can avoid!) will help.

Did you consider psychiatric drugs, short term, to relieve the anxiety, to lower it (so that you can meditate again and manage your anxiety, hopefully, long term without drugs)?

Anxiety is that free-floating ongoing fear that keeps looking for something to focus on. Your facial perceived or real imperfections has been such a focus. The possibility of a health problem is another focus.

I hope you post again. If you would like, I will reply every time I am on the computer, seeing that you posted (will be away from the computer for 18 hours or so). I hope other members will reply as well.

anita

Dear joanna:

It is a shame that the therapist you saw did not give you more time and attention so to learn about you and suggest ways to help you. Like you wrote, thinking brings suffering to an anxious person, the thoughts are like vehicles in the roadways of the brain, carrying the fear around and around.. and around. It used to help you to meditate, to disengage from thinking because taking a break from thinking is like ejecting the fear out of the vehicles, and to the side of the road. You get some peace.

You wrote that even when you don’t think, the anxiety is there anyway. Yes, it is there, ready for its next vehicle, its next ride. Thing is, the thoughts don’t have to include words: you look in the mirror, let’s say, and you pick on your face without thinking words, the “something is wrong with me/ with my face” is automatic, been played thousands of time. You feel the urge, no worded thoughts.

There is a way for you to feel much better. I know because I have suffered from significant anxiety for decades, OCD and other symptomology. I know anxiety, panic, compulsions. And there is a way to heal and manage, manage and heal. It takes time, work and patience with the process. Lots of patience.

At  one point along the way, you are no longer afraid to be afraid (the essence of panicking).

Have hope, I hope. Seek short term medication, it is sometimes what is needed. If you can see a psychotherapist (a quality one, this time), please do. Also, taking a long, fast daily walk can help, right at the times you feel especially anxious perhaps. Hot baths, if you can. A daily routine can help as well. Post again, anytime.

anita

Dear joanna:

You are welcome, and again, post anytime. There is no time or length limit to a thread that I know about.

Routine for anxious people is very helpful. Routine for children is very helpful, creates a feeling of safety. When a child knows what is expected of him to be doing in the morning, at noon, in the afternoon, evening, there is a sense of safety. Same for adults whose… inner child is as anxious as yours. You can incorporate a daily walk at about the same time, this can be part of your routine. And then, pay attention to other helpful activities (and activities that have to be done daily) that you can incorporate into a daily routine.

Imagine that you are a mother to your own (inner) child. She is very anxious. What do you do to help her? Be patient with her, talk kindly and calmly to her, talk sense to her when her thinking is senseless, or distorted (as in all-or-nothing thinking), and so forth.

anita

Dear joanna:

Don’t pressure yourself to meditate… don’t pressure yourself at all. Keep a daily routine, adjust it as you go along, do what works and not what doesn’t work. Be gentle with yourself- this is key. And patient with the process of managing and healing from anxiety.

Of course you “can’t think logically and calm down” when you experience panic. Fear in animals (and we are animals physiologically, anatomically) is about escaping from present and real danger immediately, without thinking about it, or in humans- before thinking about it. It is RUN-NOW!

Two nights ago or so you perceived your work situation as danger and your body responded with preparing to run. Problem in the condition of anxiety is that the perceived danger is often not real. It is not true that you “can’t leave” the job and that you are “in a trap”. There may be consequences to leaving, but you can leave. You will not be closed behind bars, physically unable to leave.

Talk to yourself, tell yourself these things, that you can leave, that you are not in a trap, insert those thoughts into your panic. I remember one evening when I panicked and was just about to lose hope (and take Klonipin after getting off it). As I panicked, feeling engulfed by it, taken by it, I remembered a therapist’s suggestion: go to a calm place in my brain and observe my panic from there. So I did just that. And the panic died down. I still experienced anxiety but not that intensity and I stayed off Klonipin ever since. That was three years ago.

Can you find that calm place, I wonder?

anita

Dear joanna:

You are welcome. Managing and healing from anxiety is a process that requires a lot of patience as you persist doing what works even when it doesn’t. You continue to do what is right for you when distressed. Can’t wait until calm and then do what is right for you, got to do it now, when distressed. Over time the distress will lessen.

Regarding the calm place, it was like that: that particular therapist (it was not a session, but a seminar, with a group of people, a couple of hours, that day) told me to look at my big toe (must have been wearing sandals). He said something like: look at your toe. It is part of you. It is not all of you. You are looking at it. In a similar way, look at your anxiety: it is part of you but not all of you. Look at it.

When I was anxious that evening, in the process of panicking (2013), I removed my focus from the panic and looked at it from a distance (as in the distance between my eyes/ face and my toe). That distance was what it took for me to remove myself from the panic. And all I was left with was the anxiety, still distressing but not overwhelming.

anita