Dear Abbey,

Thank you for the kind words, that means a lot when someone says it and also knows what I feel.

Dear Anita,

What you wrote opened my eyes a lot. Thank you for that. I indeed don’t think he is a bad person.  I mean I *know* it because I know the social standards for treating people, what’s good and what’s bad but I don’t blame him for treating me that way, and I indeed encourage him to hurt me. Even though I sometimes let him know he hurts me, but then I show him that it’s perfectly fine and I allow to do it again, because.. it’s not like I think I deserve it, it’s more like: it’s fine, you hurt me, I hurt myself too, I hate myself for self harming and it hurts when I do it myself too but I HAVE TO do it and it gives me relief because I need to punish myself constantly. So with pleasure and relief I accept the fact that you support me with all this (self)harming, and I encourage you to do this because I need this. I can’t live without it.

Dear Anita

“It” I meant hurting myself, because I do it all my life, at least since I was 6 or 7, when I was 12 almost everyday to this day.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for saying I’m a good person. I am always amazed when someone says that. And I don’t mean compliments, just opinion or assumption, that someone would think that.

Yes I would like to challenge that belief but honestly I wouldn’t have any idea for arguments against it. Two years ago I  wrote on a piece of paper all the bad things about me, I don’t know why I did this, I just sat and wrote all bad things people used to tell me through all my life, all things people bullied me about, complained about me, mocked me, blamed me. There was a whole page of it. I threw this paper out, but I remember then I wanted to write the good things and there were like 3 or 4 lines.  I couldn’t recall any and I couldn’t think of any.

Sure I would like to prepare such thing you proposed. Just wouldn’t  know what to think of.

Dear Anita

Yes, “new idea, something not considered before”, when someone says I am good person or he likes me for the kind of person I am I always want to ask “Really? Like what exactly? Did I say something that you like? tell me more why did you think that” and also “Is it temporary that you think that or was it just a thought?”.

Yes I wanted to please him, or rather to not disappoint him. I always get this feeling. As for your question, yes he is the kind of person who wants to be superior to women. As from what he said about his ex girlfriend she was the one who care more, loved more and always apologizing, she also went out of her way to please him. I would say my ‘relationship’ with him when we were dating wasn’t much different from what he has with other women. As for last meeting, When he was leaving I asked him “now what” and he said “I have to go” and was just staring at me. I know he felt a bit weird, maybe because we used to spend days and nights together and now he just left me like this. I think he did feel bad about it. (not justifying him, I know he would figure something out to stay, he just didn’t want to)

Dear Anita

You’re probably right, as much as it shocked me what you just wrote. I remember when we started seeing each other I was acting different and he tried so much to get me, I didn’t want to sleep with him for couple of months, he used to come to my house in the middle of the night, was sad when I ignored his texts, or didn’t have time for him.He used to bring me flowers and buy candles for the night because I joked I wanted this. That was also the last time he ever mentioned us being together in a serious relationship or things like holding my hand etc. He tried really hard to get me (I was in love with someone else at that time so I ignored him for a long time). The time I agreed to sleep with him changed all this, and it never came back the way it was before.

So I believe it’s true, this is what he really needs. I think about it very often, I was happy then, it wasn’t sick relationship like it is now. But is it possible to come back to this? I’m not saying to us being together like it was before, but come back to when I felt worthy and not inferior around him.

You’ve done it, so did you finally stop wanting this? I’m not asking if you realized it’s bad, because its not that difficult to know and to see, but do you still feel this need for someone to make you feel less worthy?

Dear Anita

Thank you very much for being kind to me, for not telling me to stop hurting myself. I am really surprised you never tell me, even in a gentle way, to at least *try* to stop doing this. My mother used to tell me when I was in high school and had acne (as a result of picking and scratching my skin)  “what do you have on this face again”, “what did you do again to this face”she once read chocolate caused acne and there it started “you have something on your face again, did you eat chocolate again” “I told you to not eat those foods, why did you ” etc. She was so angry at me I caused it and looked bad. She was angry at me for looking bad. If I could “try” to not do this I would definitely do.

I feel so bad, I keep having those terrible nightmares. I barely sleep lately.  That means a lot that you care about me. Maybe I’ll try to leave my face alone since today, my friend came for couple of days.