This forum has been a delight to read; everyone’s thoughts and opinions on various subjects, the openness of it all. How supportive, kind, and non-judging responses and posts have been as well as the fact that writing to an audience often calms the mind for me has made me want to post on here.

A few months back I fell in love with someone. This was not the first serious relationship I have been in but this was definitely the first time I head over heels fell in love with someone. We practically lived together for two months we both put our lives on pause in a way and just spent it with each other and it was some of the happiest times of my life. She got a job elsewhere and moved to pursue it. I am also moving in the summer, it was just a situation that wasn’t sustainable and we knew that. There was no lack of connection or chemistry, there wasn’t major issues or reasons to break up, it more was just what we both knew was the right thing. (turns out not having issues makes a breakup even harder in a way).

I didn’t give it too many thoughts. The initial day was difficult, then quickly I moved on with my everyday life. The mourning period was swift. Fast-forward to around two months later (2-3 weeks ago) and I began talking to another person. Rather quickly falling for her; we spent the past three weeks together inseparable. Around 3 days ago I was at her house. It was 3 or 4 in the morning and something just switched inside me and I felt super off. I couldn’t fall asleep. I kept having these thoughts of the previous girl, comparing the feelings, trying to analyze how I felt about this current girl and how I felt about the last. Spiraled downhill rather quickly and I just kind of freaked out and couldn’t think. Dissociating completely over what I couldn’t even piece together.

The next day I thought about it some more. I kept having these intrusive thoughts about this past girl. Mostly just thinking about her, not comparing or analyzing, not in a missing way, not in a sad way, not in a happy way, just her. It was frustrating, for a day I got really frustrated that I wouldn’t stop. I wanted to be able to not think about her & just be in the moment and be thinking about this person but instead, my anxious mind wouldn’t stop thinking about this past relationship and trying to remember how I felt then.

I am a believer in open relationships and the idea that love is ever expanding. There is no cap on love, to love someone new or more does not take away from previous love for others, there is no quota or love you have to take away from others to love someone else. But it seems in practice this is very difficult for me. Trying to accept these two strong emotions about love about two people and letting them co-exist because in most ways they don’t affect each other. The past few days it has still been happening. Times of lull or downtime or, really, whenever we are not actively engaged in something (it goes away when we are talking or hanging out or doing something) the intrusive thoughts pick back up. A mess of thoughts of her, this current girl, and the idea of love. None of it really going together.

(the girl is coming back for a weekend in around a week, I didn’t even remember that until earlier today, I think part of me knew that. I believe part of me is scared (this is the extreme of my fear) seeing her will remind me what being in love is “really” like and that I have it wrong, giving me doubt of my current feelings)

I am frustrated because the thoughts give me fear of doubt. Fear that I don’t love this new girl as much (which also is frustrating because I don’t think you should have to always be in a relationship with *more* love than the previous, or the same but better – it’s mostly just different). I know what I feel about this new girl, I know what I want, but these constant thoughts give me anxiety and doubt about it.

I am practicing accepting them as much as possible. When having these thoughts writing them down for what they are and letting them go by, not fighting or analyzing just letting it be. Curious as to others ideas or personal successes with intrusive thoughts and thinking about exes. The thinking about exes is kind of a universal issue and definitely, read a lot about it. Kind of just stuck on how to get this to… go away?

The constant barrage of thoughts keeps causing me to get anxious or little panic attacks and I am trying to work on how to subside that, as you can tell I’m a very anxious person. Thank you to anyone reading.