I copied the second sentence at the end “Little did i know..” The thing is about those incidents I hope you can elaborate on- the memories- in particular the EMOTIONAL MEMORIES/ FLASHBACKS of those traumas rise up as your current anxiety I suspect.
anita

Dear lavender27:
Fear, anxiety hijacked so much of my life. At 5-6 I developed Tourette Syndrome and OCD. I performed many rituals to keep danger away and I moved every voluntary muscle of my body (motor and vocal tics). i was later diagnosed with other expressions of anxiety. I was afraid that my mother will either kill me or kill herself as she threatened to do both. I was under attack, most of the time verbal. Lots of it. And nobody intervened no matter how loud she got. I get startled easily, or got startled easily. I see a word, five minutes ago, “devastating” and i think it means something devestating is going to happen to me.

How to deal with panic and anxiety, you asked. For me it has been a long process starting with cognitive behavioral therapy/ mindful/ dialectical therapy, mainly examining THOUGHTS for distortions and feeling better after correcting those thoughts as well as PAYING ATTENTION to what i am thinking and feeling and to the here and now. as well as seeing reality in AND instead of OR- correcting distorted thinking of all or nothing, personalizing, fortune telling. Lots of articles on this kind of therapy skills and information in a website called psych central. Also I am finally (!!!) in a good relationship. Not that i was able to have a good relationship when i met my husband. Going to a few years of therapy and practice of interpersonal skills as well as the skills i mentioned above and INSIGHT into my past- all that made a good relationship possible with the GOOD man I was fortunate to meet.

A baby, a dog needs CONNECTION, affection to feel safe- this is how the animal part of us deals with fear- through connection, comfort by another. This is why the trauma you and I went through is so severe- instead of getting comfort by our mother we got ATTACKED.

That screws with a developing child. Lots of this stuff is covered by “complex ptsd” or developmental ptsd”- same thing,

Anything else that you would like me to share with you???
anita

Dear lavender27:
I had no idea you are STILL abused, in your current life. There is no way you can heal if you are still in danger. Is there a WOMAN SHELTER you can go to??? I would say: take a few clothes, your medication, and move to a woman shelter. Most of the women there may be hiding from an abusive husband/ bf but an abusive father is not any less dangerous. Get a restraining order against your father. Never, ever go back to live with your father. In the future, maybe, sue him for the great damages he has caused you, but that is a maybe and a later thing.

Or maybe there is a way to legally remove your father from the house- is that an option? Did the police say anything on the matter- I mean he attacked you physically? How about a restraining order NOW, which means he will not be allowed in the house?

No wonder you have panic attacks- fueled by past abuse and present abuse. No wonder you are in great distress. No wonder you are angry and every cell in your body, as you wrote, is on fire.

First thing first: remove him from the house following a police complaint on your part and a restraining order OR remove yourself from the house. I hope others more knowledgable than me can help here OR I hope you can get information from a woman shelter in your area (CALL!) or another agency or church that can and will help you escape the CURRENT physical danger you are in.

Please write again!!!
anita

Dear Lavender27:
I can see how living in a different country makes my suggetions above partially unapplicable. I am now living in the U.S. but came here from another country. When I was growing up (I like to say “growing IN”) my mother screamed very loudly at me in our little apartment as she hit me or otherwise and NOBODY ever said anything to my knowledge. It was in the 60s 70s. It made me wonder if anything WRONG was happening at all- nobody said anything, nobody showed up to intervene. I remember neighbors… a couple from the U.S. came to visit my neighbors in the other country where I was born. The Americal mother was beating her son who was 13. My neighbors and I (I was 15) stood outside the door to give the mother privacy to beat her son. The sounds were horrible, the sounds of the heating and his cries, yet it was treated like it was her RIGHT as a mother to do whatever she wanted with HER kid. I share the responsibility for standing there with the others, feeling distressed but doing nothing.

I was in my early 20s the last time my mother ran to me with her arms flailing in the attempt to hit me. For the first time I reached out with my arms to her and caught her hands, held them in my hands and exerted just enough force to keep them in one place, not moving toward me. She withdrew and that was the last time. It made me angry to think that that is all it took, that the bully, or the Enemy, as I viewed her, was not at all that strong.

I don’t know how physically strong your father is… fighting him may be futile and may cause him to physically hurt you more than he already does. It is a SHAME that the unevolved, primitive attitude that parents CAN do anything to their children, minor age or adults, still exists. It used to be LEGAL for parents to kill their children. This is where we come from, that history, still existing.

The part of my advice that is still applicable to you and that you are aware of already and you are already planning for it it: you MUST get out of that house. You must have no contact with your father (and your mother if you so decide).

WHATEVER IT TAKES, move out. Whatever it takes. Try to make it as best a move as you can, but do it. It is necessary for your mental/ physical health. Please post again, lavender27, I will look forward to read every one of your posts.
anita

Hi Lavender27,

I wish parents would realize the damage they do to their own children !

You have to find a way out of there. Until then, I would suggest ‘silence’ – it is a Buddhist practice and works wonders. No matter what is said, remain silent and remove yourself from the situation.

Here are 2 links that should help you:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/culturally-speaking/201303/overcoming-the-pain-childhood-abuse-and-neglect
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100360004

You have your entire life ahead of you and it WILL get better !!!

I pray your angels guide you forward.

GOD Bless !

ps: listen to this song by Jewel called ‘Hands’ – it will lift your spirit:

Hi lavender!

Listen anxiety and stress are everyday feelings that we all feel. Now others feel them more others less, what you need to try and do is when you start panic or get stressed and anxious start breathe deeply and evenly from the nose. Breathe for three seconds, keep for five and blow for 3. This technique is going to relax your body. Another thing you can do is get up early, take a shower, put on your favorite music get dress in a way that makes you feel good and you’ll be ready to go and face everything that comes in your way because a good ego boost in the morning sometimes is everything you need. Now another good technique is to create a wall and by creating a wall i mean imagine in every hard situation you go through that theres a magnetic field or something that will protect you from everything. It worked for me. Last but not least, every time you start to panic think where you would wish to be and what would you like to do there. Create a world just for you a world where you can find peace and relax even when everything else seems wrong. I am telling all this because i believe in you and i believe in us!!! Only we can find peace for ourselves we just need a little push or an ego boost to do that. I hope these techniques will help you.

Vangelis-Ethan Kitsos