Are Relationships Even Worth The Effort?

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    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>Hi, I’m Lea. I’m 19. I suffered really traumatic physical and emotional bullying through middle and high school. I also suffer from abandonment issues- I have a whole thread on that called “I’m so scared of being hurt by others I have no one” basically- I have no friends, I’ve never dated, and the only family I have are my parents and little sister (12) I also have a lot of pets- three- no two dogs (I lost one of my dogs yesterday- had her since I was 4) and I have 24 cows (I also lost one this week.)</span></p>
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>My abandonment issues have affected every friendship I’ve ever had. I’m petrified of becoming dependent on someone then having them walk out on me for no reason. (People have before- my grandparents on both sides and childhood best friend of 10 years ghosted me) I’m also scared of people turning on me. (Had a friend in middle and high school who was good to me then started harassing me- I was pushed, kicked, hit, pushed, locked in rooms etc) and I had a friend in middle school whom I was very deeply close with and I confided in her for everything. One day she started fat shaming me, daily, and constantly. She was much smaller than me 5”0 tall and I’m 5”10 and very active and quite physically fit. So I was going to be heavier than her. But she didn’t get that. I started exercising to the point of exercising three times a day for a few hours each time. I even exercised on my bathroom breaks at school. It was bad. I got out of it after distancing myself from her) </span></p>
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>After that I was too scared to do anything with anyone in school or out- I still am to this day. What’s the point? Every relationship is so take take take- so one sided. Why should I even try? To fit in? Relationships have never treated me well and I’ve never benefited from any of the ones I’ve had (just learned some lessons) I purposely never went to parties in high school. I purposely skipped prom- i never high school dated- I always thought high school relationships were all about image and were so superficial. I didn’t go to my graduation party or anything- why? Basically everyone graduates what’s the point? </span></p>
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>I’m broken, needy, sensitive, moody, mentally ill- obviously and emotionally unstable. I don’t see any friendships or relationships in my future for a long time (until I get help). I would imagine it is going to be stressful, hard and because I have no self love or respect I’d probably attract someone who doesn’t love me or respect me. I’d be highly anxious and on alert that someone would just up and leave me. No matter how good I was treated because I had it good once and then I was left or treated horribly </span></p>
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>I swear I tried everything to appease people I knew/ was friends with. Nothing ever made me good enough. For a quick reference my personality type is INFP-T and I’m 84% introverted, 70% intuitive, 82% feeling, 86% prospecting and 83% turbulent. I have an OCD and general anxiety disorder diagnosis, but I suspect I have borderline personality disorder and ADHD as well.</span></p>
    <p class=”p2″><span class=”s1″>My question is, would it even be worth the effort to even attempt to start any type of relationship with anyone Friendship or romantic? I know it takes years and years of therapy to even touch these deep rooted behaviors and tendencies which unfortunately I cannot afford. How did you overcome learned traits from childhood trauma? Are there any individuals out there with abandonment issues that have or have had healthy successful relationships?</span></p>


    Thank you.


    To kind of add to my point, Anita replied to HoneyBlossom in a thread and said:

    ”I have learned from communicating with hundreds or thousands of members on these forums in the last 6.5 years, that when we experience a significantly troubled childhood, as adults we keep re-experiencing the same emotional experience of childhood. Sometimes we HOPE (especially as teenagers and young adults, but later too) for a change because of this person or that person, or because of this or that event or change of locations and circumstances…but that hope doesn’t materialize.”

    Anita put what I was thinking perfectly into words. This is what I was meaning. My ‘trauma’ is going to keep materializing throughout my relationships, as well as my deep rooted insecurities and learned coping behaviors- which I could imagine would ruin all of them. I’ve read of people in relationships who love their partners but are so anxious and upset that they are going to be abandoned- that their life is just miserable  is this doomed to be me? As I asked above: How did you overcome learned traits from childhood trauma? Are there any individuals out there with abandonment issues that have or have had healthy successful relationships?

    thank you.


    Hi Leaagain

    How did you overcome learned traits from childhood trauma?

    By making them conscious and realizing at a deep level that you are not your memories, you are not your past – you have memories, you have a past.  By making them conscious, perhaps with help from a therapist you take ownership of what belongs to you and what doesn’t. The aim is to develop healthy boundaries that being healthy will aid in the developing or relationships with your self and others.

    Relationships are crucibles in which we discover ourselves. You don’t need to be in relationship to discover yourselves but nothing like a relationship to push/pull a person into the process.

    A purpose of relationship is to heal the past. What I mean is that in relationship your ‘ghosts’ of the past are going to come out to play with your friend and or partners ‘ghosts’ . Thus that need to be conscious of them, shine a light on them. Healthy boundaries will help work through those times when a person in relationship is triggered by the past. A healthy relationship can be the best place to coming to terms with our past hurts, shadow, and projections (Projections, shadows, hurts… usually all mixed up together)

    Do you risk relationship, is it worth it?

    That is something only you can answer. As humans we are really good at justifying the answer to such questions. However I might argue that if your answer is all justifications  your probably not being honest with what you really want. (Justifications tend not to make healthy boundaries as the tend to lock away all possibility. )

    My advice for what its worth. Be Brave, do the work in coming to terms with your past/memory (you are not your memories) know your boundaries and see what might show up.

    Its said Only Love can break a heart. That I believe is a truth if a ironic one.
    Yet a broken heart is a open heart and oh what that might a open heart experience.  Scary I know… but scary can be fun?


    Dear, Peter:

    Thank you for the response in this thread. I appreciate it. I think you’re right about the justifications- and what I want. what I really want is to have healthy relationships- be in at least just one relationship that is two sides and equal. to have shared compassion and empathy with another person- but I guess I always thought that I needed to be ‘realistic’ only really lucky people find that- right? Your advice:

    “My advice for what its worth. Be Brave, do the work in coming to terms with your past/memory (you are not your memories) know your boundaries and see what might show up.”

    Is really good advice. Thank you. I’m really going to just focus on that. Thank you. I hope your day is wonderful.

    sincerely, Lea

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