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Are these remotely good signs of him wanting to be back together?

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  • #386951
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    <p class=”x_p1″>Dated for a year and been broken up for almost a year. When he did, he expressed a lot of doubt and still does to this day. He cried too when we broke up. He was initiating a lot of contacts a few weeks/months later, wanting to see me and clear the air but I declined. I ended up responding to one of his messages once and for all about 2 months later. He replied to what I said and then said it has ‘been very difficult from his end. He felt it was the most appropriate thing was to break up, which has been really hard and he misses me all the time. But what’s the alternative?. He always reiterates that he is happy to catch up and would prefer to talk about things in person.</p>
    <p class=”x_p1″>He then went on to say that it’s really difficult but he tries to leave me alone as he doesn’t quite know what to do as he doesn’t want to mess with me. I replied and said I hope one day we can be on friendlier terms but I understand if we don’t keep in touch. He then exted me saying he would definitely like to know how I am/how life is but he’s conscious of not lingering around and making things more difficult and he hopes everything is good and I’m happier now. That he of course feels the same but it’s just the nature of breakups.</p>
    <p class=”x_p1″>I responded, in a kind way that we should probably not keep in contact as I still like him. He responded, apologized for how long it took him to get back to me and said he still likes me and cares about me but thinks probably not talking at the moment is the right thing. I responded and said that I didn’t want to seem sarcastic previously but wouldn’t the alternative be to work through our issues like an adult, I went onto say that we meshed well so maybe that’s why it’s been so hard and wished him well. He replied days later, apologising again. Said he would rather not get into this discussion over text and would much prefer in person, agreed that we meshed really well and we had a similar sense of humour. Said he hoped I had a good trip and then he hopes my university has been going well lately.</p>
    <p class=”x_p1″>I said that maybe we can revisit it soon and talk in person and I felt the same regarding talking about this over text. We laughed about a few things like we used to and he then went onto ask when my exams are and a few other things.</p>
    <p class=”x_p1″>So I reached out to him and told him that I don’t see the benefit in catching up unless he wants to date me again as I get the indication that he still wants the break up. He said he understood etc, but completely never answered that part. Whether that’s intentional or not. For example he could’ve said something like “yes, I still want the break up” but just says he understands. I said we should stop being in contact for real and for him to only contact me if he wants to be back together. He sort of turned it into a joke and asked about when I’m graduating. Was like ‘can you please clarify this curiosity’ and said he will abide by my wishes, I then stupidly kept the conversation going, he laughed at things I said and then we both said we might be going away somewhere around the same time to the same place, I said that I didn’t want to make it awkward for him so wanted to check the dates he’s going as he will be with his parents. He said it wouldn’t be awkward with a tongue emoji etc and that his mum would demand I come over for dinner (sweet but I felt like he intentionally said that). I wished him a <span class=”marke13lggbnj _2mvHg_8QQFEuo2e0RlZLXB” data-markjs=”true”>happy birthday</span> for this week, was slightly flirtatious and he responded well to it. I then asked the next day where his heart is in terms of us. He said he didn’t understand and thought I was referring to us going to that location and running into each other or something. I expressed to him that I found it a bit frustrating that he wouldn’t answer my question or give me any indication of the future. He said he was confused by the question and that I’m often unclear. I said I would speak to him the next day, I was also quite abrupt in my texts and he called me twice. I didn’t pick up and said I didn’t want to talk right now, he said ok and I didn’t respond. He messaged me the next day saying that he would leave me be as it seems that I keep getting upset that were still in contact but he just hates getting into anything substantial over text. I asked if he would like to speak at all, doesn’t have to be tonight and he asked if he would like me to call, I said yes. We had a really good chat, I said I don’t like to talk about anything substantial over text either and I wish we could just use text to organise catch ups. He said something along the lines of “Yes, but it doesn’t have to be for dates all the time” which I thought was interesting that he was referring to us (if we do catch up) as dates, semi positive I guess?, like he used to say, at the end he said it was really nice to hear my voice and that he’ll speak to me soon. I hate to say this but it felt like old times, giggling and laughing on the phone to each other. He told me that he rarely sees some of his old friends and just sticks to two that I know, said he wasn’t going to be doing anything for his birthday that week either. Both agreed we need to stop sending each other provoking, relationship-y messages over text too.<span class=”x_Apple-converted-space”> </span></p>
    Was a hard break-up, we admitted that we still like each other and that we miss each other all the time, and we both have mentioned to each other that if we ever did talk about our relationship again – it’s once we’ve moved on from the hurt, so I don’t think it’s a 100% final break up where you never want anything to do with them again. I think because I still to this day felt like we broke up over very odd things and he thought the grass was going to be greener. Sometimes the texts will stop and he’ll find a way to contact me weeks or even months later and it’s always about how he’s sorry about how things ended and just our relationship in general. He’ll never directly ask me how things are unless we speak on the phone. But his texts will be wrapped in ‘I hope you are truly happy and things are good’. The last time he reached out was to apologise, I sort of hinted that I was seeing someone and told him I missed certain things about our relationship and he stopped replying. Normally he would respond saying he misses those things too. He also said as he usually says, that he probably is one big idiot and dumb for the decision he made. I sent him a message about a week later explaining that since the breakup, he has done nothing; even as a friend if he valued our friendship, that he himself said he wanted communication but all he is willing to do is give me some apology over text. I said that he can text or call me in the future but do not be expecting to hear from me.

    We have had a few hour-long phone conversations since the break up too.

    #387016
    anita
    Participant

    Dear darkmatter:

    I will be able to read and reply to you in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

    #387017
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you! We’ve had a few hour-long phone calls since the breakup, where it’ll be nice to talk, but one of us becomes teary. He always says at the end of the phone call that it was nice to hear my voice. It has been confusing too; because in one of our long phone calls where I was quite upset and angry, he almost accused me of being stalkerish as I mentioned someone from his fb friends. Then the next day he went out of his way to look at an Instagram story of mine (we unfollowed each other after the break up). Very confusing. To summarise though, I did ask him a few months ago whether he was interested at trying at the relationship and he said no.

    #387055
    anita
    Participant

    Dear darkmatter:

    I read your two posts. You asked: “are these remotely good signs of him wanting to be back together?“-

    – My answer: No: you asked him a few months ago if he wanted to be back together, and he said: No (“I did ask him a few months ago whether he was interested at trying at the relationship and he said no“), and he didn’t ask you to be back together since he said No.

    He did tell you you that “he doesn’t want to mess with (you)“, but seems to me that he has been messing with you by giving you contradictory messages,  talking from both sides of his mouth. One example: “He responded, apologized for how long it took him to get back to me and said he still likes me and cares about me but thinks probably not talking at the moment is the right thing“-

    -on one hand he tells you that he likes you and cares about you, and on the other hand, (1) he does not respond to you for a long time, and (2) he tells you that not talking with you is the right thing.

    Notice: he says that he likes you and cares about you, but..- his “but” is his transition from one side of his mouth to the other, his transition from one message to a contradictory message.

    I am under the impression that you are hopeful to get back with him.. are you?

    anita

    #387338
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you. I think a part of me does want to get back together yes, but also a part of me doesn’t. He texted me this the other day saying that he understands I won’t find this satisfying, that he does feel horrible about what happened. That I didn’t deserve it and my pure-heartedness makes him feel more guilty. That he wronged me and I didn’t deserve it. Nor does he expect me to forgive him. Then he went onto say a few other things which he believes I may have misrepresented him and that the bad intentions I thought he had, aren’t exactly true. He continued.. I appreciate however this has probably been my way of expressing my hurt. He hopes I’m in a better place, that I’m very special and deserve all the happiness in the world. I haven’t responded and I don’t think I need to, correct? Also I think indefinite NC would allow him to see what he wants, whether that’s me or not, correct?

    #387341
    anita
    Participant

    Dear darkmatter:

    You are welcome. Texting you that he feels horrible about what happened, that he wronged you, that you don’t deserve it, that he feels guilty, that he doesn’t expect you to forgive him, that you have a pure heart, that you are very special and that you deserve all the happiness in the world- he texted you all these things so that you will feel better about him and the breakup.  Maybe he means some or all of these things, and maybe he doesn’t. People who initiate a breakup and want to be left alone by the one they break up with say things that are likely to make it happen (to be left alone).

    I haven’t responded and I don’t think I need to, correct? Also I think indefinite NC would allow him to see what he wants, whether that’s me or not, correct?“-

    -I think that he is not interested in getting back together, and that he wants you and him to move on in separate directions. You can respond to his text saying that you understand that in his mind the relationship is over for good, and then ask him if you understand correctly, telling him that you want the truth (a Yes, you understand correctly, or: No, you don’t understand correctly), so that you can move on if it is a Yes.

    Tell him you want a Yes or a No without all the flowery language (‘you have a pure heart..  you deserve all the happiness in the world, you are very special, etc.) to soften the truth, if it is a Yes.

    And then, if it is a Yes, accept it, let it sink in your mind, come to peace with it and move on and away from him.

    anita

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