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Ashamed of my envy

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  • February 10, 2014 at 8:46 pm #50728
    Jessa
    Participant

    This is not the most shocking secret, but I hope that a few of you out there can relate. It’s basically the friendship version of a classic love triangle. I have two friends, neither of whom I’m super close with. One is a guy who I very much like and admire, and would like to be closer with. No romantic feelings; it’s platonic. The other is a girl I’ve had a rocky on-again, off-again friendship with. Right now things are going pretty well between her and I, but I’m being poisoned with envy and jealousy because she and this other guy-friend do seem to be close.

    I honestly really want to repair things with her and move forward, but every time she brings up that she spent time with him or they had a joke or a close moment together I get stabs of jealousy. I feel ashamed and stupid for feeling envious over a person, like I’m a petty immature child. There’s a part of me that’s genuinely happy for both of them that they get along so well, but there’s another part that always feels horrible and wonders, does he like her better? Is there something about her that I don’t have? How come she always talks about having a closer connection with him and him enjoying their time together, but when I spend time with him it’s never obvious to me whether he’s enjoying himself? I don’t trust myself enough to guess how he feels about me. I get so insecure that I second-guess every positive signal from him, and am constantly looking for reasons why he might not want to be friends.

    Just talking about it here makes me feel pathetic and desperate and angry at myself. For some reason, his friendship is important to me. I want him to like me, at least as much as he likes her. Anyone have any help or advice? I can’t see clearly through my own emotions here.

    February 10, 2014 at 10:59 pm #50742
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Jessa,
    First of all I invite you to give yourself some compassion. I see a lot of self awareness and a LOT of self judgment.

    You crave to be liked in return. I see that as natural.

    My guess there is a part of you that really needs people in your life that you feel close with. You see this closeness between these two friends that you would want in your life. I can understand that having someone who I can hang with, who gets me, who I can trust, who I can fun with and share everything would fulfill a need of connection.

    Perhaps you can first move your focus away from them to yourself. Do you sit? Meditate? That is a practice that helps be friends with yourself. That practice helps to be ok with your inner turmoil. That practice enables you get some insights from what is really going on with yourself.

    Your envy reveals that you are missing that connection within yourself. There also no reason why you cannot co-create such closeness with others as well.

    Let me know how that resonates with you.

    Metta,
    Mark

    February 11, 2014 at 2:00 am #50750
    Anyone
    Participant

    Hi Jessa,

    The word here is ‘insecurity’. Let me just share that I have lost a great deal of self-respect and dignity because of insecurity. I was manipulated in two relationships, for the simple reason being I was insecure about myslef. I want you to be aware that people don’t take long to take undue advantage of our insecurities.

    Now, when I look back, I regret that had I been head strong; it wouldn’t have happened with me. Nowadays, when I’m trying to be on my own and strong by myself, I’m feeling much better, and seriously, I don’t feel the ‘need’ of having someone in my life; which always existed otherwise.

    And in my opinion; this other girl looks somewhat aware of your insecurities and hence is mentioning about her and the guy. Don’t get bogged down by it.

    Ask yourself – ‘Are you not worthy enough that you need this guy to like you as much as he likes the other girl?’ ‘Why would you want that?’ ‘Are you so weak like that?’ You are probably low on self-esteem.

    Get REAL:
    R – Realise the reality
    E – Enagage in postitive thinking
    A – Accept the fact that you’re not perfect. Don’t compare yourself to others.
    L – Love yourself unconditionally

    Your sense of self-worth should remain unchanged irrespective of if you have a gf/bf or not!

    Hope it helps and makes sense!:-)

    February 11, 2014 at 5:05 pm #50804
    Jessa
    Participant

    Dear Mark & Anyone,

    Thank you for your kindness and insight. Insecurity and self-judgement are definitely two of my more dedicated demons; they seem to love my company.

    Mark, your normalizing was very compassionate and helped me lessen that sting of self-judgement. Thank you for reminding me that there’s a natural need underlying this. I used to do metta meditation, but fell out of practice a few months ago during an especially low and self-loathing period. Time to start doing that for myself again.

    Anyone, thanks for the reality check. I’m wary of being taken advantage of, and definitely don’t want that to happen. I know I am worthy without his approval or liking, and I’m certainly not weak (sensitive, maybe, but not weak). As for WHY I want it so badly, I’ll have to explore that some more. Maybe I’ll find some direction in answering that question.

    Peace,
    Jessa

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