August 9, 2018 at 3:51 pm #220905
it's not exactly accurate to say that i hate myself. i can stand myself when i'm alone but the thought of being around people is mortifying. i always think i'm not good enough yet. i'm not presentable. i have to wait to try to make connections with people, so i'll be skinny and not be jobless with no car and nothing to show for myself. i'm nobody worth meeting. when i do meet people or if i'm around somebody i already know, i feel inadequate and like i've done everyone a disservice for being who i am. i feel like they know that i'm garbage and i'm forcing my presence on them. this is reinforced when the only people that'll keep me around are the ones that treat me like meat that's only to be used. and i keep putting myself in these situations partially because i'm hypersexual. sex means nothing to me but i still feel just as traumatized when i know that's what i'm being used for in one way or another. i've been hypersexual as far back as i can remember, when i was very young, and it makes me question if there was some sort of sexual abuse that i'll never remember. i want to die most of the time, but can't bring myself to do it. bonus info, i've been a drug addict since 16 and have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, bpd, ptsd (some just wild guesses, not saying it's all accurate) and also possibly on the autism spectrum. i'm sorry, i know this was a mess of a post but i feel like a mess of a person.August 9, 2018 at 8:10 pm #220931
No one is a mess of a person. Various situations and circumstances make us feel like that. You have been told these kind of things – not good enough, not presentable, nobody worth meeting, etc – by someone else early on in your life and you probably have believed it and repeated it to yourself several times over.
First things to be done I believe is for you to seek help for your most glaring issues – the bonus info that you were talking about. Take it one step at a time, be kind to yourself and you will be on your way to what you truly want for yourself.
Take care.August 10, 2018 at 11:33 am #221059
You wrote that you feel “like I've done everyone a disservice for being who I am” and that you put yourself in situations where you are used for sex.
My input: you are not here on this earth to be of service to others, to be used.
You wrote: “I can stand myself when i'm alone but the thought of being around people is mortifying”.
My input: it wouldn't be mortifying being around another person if you believed you were not there for him or her to use you. If you believed, and it was true, that the other person was for you, on your side, interested in your well-being.
In the context of this thread, please be who you are, share, express. I will treat you empathetically and respectfully, having your well-being on my mind.