Dear Rachal:

You shared that the plan is that you will get married next year to your boyfriend of 11 years. Problem is that you caught him “quite a few times in the past.. sexting with other men”. You asked him about it and he said he was “just bi curious.. this is just like porn for me. I just wanted a platform for my curiosity”.

You were shocked but you tried to accept his curiosity and sexting as his thing (“everybody has a thing and may be this is his thing, his outlet.. as long as he doesn’t go out with them”).

While living with him after your first discovery, you found out that he was still sexting. You asked him why he turned to sexting instead of turning to you for his sexual needs and fantasies. His response was that he felt weird sharing his sexual fantasies with you and he was afraid you will leave him “because of his twisted fantasies”, and that his sexting habit started before he met you.

Today, you found out that while you thought he was busy working, and while you waited for him to be done with his work so that you can spend some time together (something you regularly request and initiate, not him), he was “sexting with a stranger guy”. He told you that he did it to distract himself from his work pressure, that he always loved you, and that he is ready to do whatever you ask him to do.

You wrote: “I don’t know what to do? All this takes a toll on me.. I can’t talk to my friends or family about this.. I feel broken.. at my lowest and I feel used because I have never cheated or even flirted with any other person for last 11 years. I don’t know what to do?”

My answer: cancel the wedding plans today or in the next few days, and make arrangement to end your relationship with this man as soon as possible. My reasons are the following:

1. He has been cheating on you all along. Some people would consider pornography (watching images of people and getting stimulated sexually) to be cheating. But even if you don’t, sexting with other people is beyond pornography: it is engaging in mutual sexual activity with other, living people (not with images).

2. He is in the habit of sexting from before the time he met you. This means that he has been sexting for more than 11 years. It is very, very difficult to break such a habit even if he wanted to.

3. He is not “bi-curious”, he is actually having sex with other men. I don’t know if he met physically with men and had sex with them (it is a possibility), but even if he didn’t, he is more than bi-curious. He prefers to sext over having sex with you. Reads to me that he is a homosexual or bi-sexual person with a preference for men, who “in the closet”. The term means: a person who hides his sexual orientation because of social pressure, not wanting to be found out.

According to Wikipedia, 30% of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in the European Union are in the closet, 60% in Lithuania,.. 85% in China. “In the United States, 4% of gays and lesbians and 26% of bisexuals are not ‘out’ to at least one on the important people in their lives”.

Being “out of the closet” means that a person who hid his or her sexual identity, finally tells everyone and makes it public. Millions of people who used to be in the closet, came out of the closet, often after they got married and had children. This may happen to you too if you marry him.

According to a website, marriage. com/ advice/ relationship/ signs is your husband gay: there are signs that may suggest that a husband is gay:

“1. Lack of passion: when he’s in the moment with you, he’s mechanical and doesn’t seem to be passionate or interested in any acts of foreplay… 2. Lack of interest in sex…

“3. Online encounters: How do you know if your husband is gay? If your partner’s behavior is worrying you, then the internet is the right medium to find out the truth.. It’s highly unlikely that, if your partner is straight, he would want to put his picture and information on a gay dating site”.

There is more in that website and other resources on the topic.

My closing comments: there is nothing wrong with a person having this or that sexual orientation, but you need to know the sexual orientation of the man you plan to marry before you marry him and have children with him. Besides the issue of his sexual orientation, there is the fact of him having cheated on you for 11 years so far, and the very high likelihood that he will continue with his long-term, strong habit.

You are welcome to post again.

anita

Dear Rachal:

You are welcome. Yes, I did notice what you shared about his childhood and his relationships with his parents. Thing is, it is not relevant to his sexual orientation. In other words, he is attracted to men, he is having mutual sexual interactions with men, and he is in this habit of doing this for years. If he examines his childhood issues in therapy, let’s say, it will not change his sexual  orientation and habit.

Regarding his passionate sex with you- like I mentioned in my first post to you, he may be gay or bi-sexual. Your latest input makes me think that maybe he is indeed bi-sexual. (You did share though that he doesn’t have frequent sex with you, that you are the one who initiated spending time with him, not him, and you shared that as you waited for him to spend time with you, he sexted men instead, which led me to think that his preference is men).

“I know it sounds  like I am defending him”- my focus is  on defending you, not him.

Focus on what is right for you and for the children you may bring into the world. Seems to me that it is wrong for you and for your future children to have a husband and father who may come out of the closet later in life, a husband who has cheated on you repeatedly for 11 years and who will probably continue to do so because his habit is very strong, it is a powerful sexual habit that I don’t think he can resist.

anita