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  • This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 days ago by anita.
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  • September 10, 2024 at 8:18 am #437979
    birds of a feather
    Participant

    A friend (not sure if we are still friends) just started a new job and we are no longer in the same social circle. Lately I find myself  almost always having to reach out first to check in and say hello. I know he’s very busy. But it’s starting to feel very hurtful.

    When I actually reach out through text messages, he’s responsive but our convo no longer gets as deep as before – usually just stays at superficial level.  I’m not sure if he’s still curious about my life.  He would say something like hope you are enjoying work – I’m just not sure if he was wishing me well or actually wanted to me to talk about how I’m doing.

    I have this feeling of him not wanting to invest time and energy into this relationship – which is incredibly hurtful to me for some reason.  I know he’s very busy, but the next time he wants to meet in person to catch up is two months away.

    I’m not sure how to respond to his question of how about meeting up at so and so date (two to there months away) – I wanted to say nothing because I am feeling very hurt in maintaining this relationship all by myself. But I also don’t want to hurt his feelings. I also feel guilty demanding his attention when he’s busy.

    How should I respond?  Thanks for reading this and giving your advice 🙏

    September 10, 2024 at 9:04 am #437994
    anita
    Participant

    Dear birds of a feather:

    “A friend (not sure if we are still friends) just started a new job and we are no longer in the same social circle“- having read the rest of your post, seems to me that he was a job & social circle friend.  Since he is now in a new job and a new social circle, he is an acquaintance, no longer a friend.

    “I have this feeling of him not wanting to invest time and energy into this relationship – which is incredibly hurtful to me for some reason“-maybe his lessened interest and availability triggered an old hurt, maybe a parent’s loss of interest and availability to you..?

    “I’m not sure how to respond to his question of how about meeting up at so and so date (two to there months away)… How should I respond?“- I think that you feel too hurt to  act as if you are not hurt. If I was you, I would tell him about how I feel, I would say that I feel hurt (I wouldn’t elaborate and say to him, at this point, “feel very hurtful”, or “incredibly hurtful”, your words in the post) and see how he responds.

    What do you think about my suggestion?

    anita

     

    September 10, 2024 at 12:25 pm #438003
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Birds of a feather.

    It can be hard when someone we are attached to is no longer part of the same social circle.  Your friend has a new job and he is trying to integrate into a new life set up.  I personally would agree to this meet up in a couple of months and in the meantime enjoy being with your other friends.  I have a friend who comes and goes in my area throughout the year. When we are apart we keep in touch loosely as I know she has a full & interesting life and when we are together we just pick up from where we left off. this routine has worked successfully for both of us for over 5 years now.

    Kind regards

    Roberta

    September 11, 2024 at 4:22 pm #438048
    birds of a feather
    Participant

    Thanks Anita.  What you said all makes sense – the part about being an acquaintance and no longer a friend really hurts, but is perhaps the reality.

    I responded and said that either works (one is two months away and one is three months away) but let’s wait till it’s closer to see how his schedule works.  I didn’t say I feel hurt but said I feel unbalanced and need some time to adjust.  He responded and said he understand and then said he would take down the catchup and will just follow up in two months to see where things at and that he hopes I find the balance.

    I know it all sounds good and polite but I wanted to my friend back – the friend who would say more than that and talk to me.  Maybe I am too selfish and demanding too much of his attention.

    But the fact that he said he is going to take down the catchup just makes me feel hurt again.

    Maybe our attachment styles are not matching?

    September 11, 2024 at 4:25 pm #438049
    birds of a feather
    Participant

    Thanks Roberta.  I would do that with some of my friends too. But he is (was) a close friend, and he is still in the same city with me – so I am not getting why he couldn’t find time to connect through a call or a catchup even.  In any case, I am trying my best to sit with this pain and move on – just going to take some time.  It would be great to become friends again down the road though – is that possible?

    September 12, 2024 at 7:53 am #438063
    anita
    Participant

    Dear birds of a feather: I will reply in a few hours.

    anita

    September 12, 2024 at 11:31 am #438067
    anita
    Participant

    Dear birds of a feather:

    You shared that this very busy distant friend, formerly a close friend, still lives in  the same city as you, but is no longer in the same workplace or social circle as you. Lately, you’ve been reaching out to him but he doesn’t reach out to you. When the two of you communicate by text messages, it “stays at superficial level“, and he doesn’t seem to be curious about your life, no longer wanting you to talk about how you are doing. He wanted to meet with you and catch up in 2-3 months, but most recently, he said that “he would take down the catchup and will just follow up in two months“.

    “I know it all sounds good and polite but I wanted my friend back – the friend who would say more than that and talk to me… Maybe our attachment styles are not matching?…I am not getting why he couldn’t find time to connect through a call or a catchup even..  It would be great to become friends again down the road though – is that possible?“-

    – you chose birds of a feather as your screen name. Online definition: “people who have similar interests, ideas, or characteristics tend to seek out or associate with one another”. I am thinking that unless you too have a history of being a close friend and then voiding the friendship without an explanation, then the two of you are not birds of a feather.

    You chose Attachment as the title of your thread: clearly you are emotionally attached to him, and I am sorry to say, seems like he is not attached to you to any significant extent. Therefore you’ve been feeling hurt, understandably. Maybe your attachment style is the anxious type and his is the avoidant or ambivalent type.

    I am wondering, when you say that you were close friends, do you mean that he shared with you private details about his life, his innermost thoughts and feelings? Also, was there any conflict between the two of you before him distancing from you?

    anita

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