Hi-
I’m new to this forum and have a relationship challenge. Usually, I will ask my family and friends first, they are most wise. However, this hits most closely to my heart; I’ve only shared this situation with my closest girlfriends. I will keep it as short and to the point as possible, although it IS very messy.
Him:
I had been dating a man 15-years my junior; we were in a relationship for six months until his addictive behavior started to reappear. Since then, he’s become more of an addict moving from alcohol to sex to coke, MDMA and GHB. I have done my best to stay a bit distant but remained his friend, and, admittedly, a little too intimately at times. In fact, up until three weeks ago, he would spend the night once a week. He’s gone through jobs, cars, friends, money, and has been arrested a couple of times. He’s now living at home, uses public transportation and is waiting to go to trial on his most recent drug charges, or, that was the status when I last spoke with him two weeks ago. He’s now been very much in his addict for 2.5 of the 3.5 years I’ve known him.
Me:
I am a divorcee of five years with two grown children. I work full-time and part-time. Currently, I’m prepping for a fitness competition. I do my best to be responsible and work hard. I am not perfect and I do not want to paint that picture ( not a victim at all, every choice Ive made, I own). I recognized about two years ago I have co-dependent issues and have been diligently working the through co-dependents anonymous and attending recovery women’s group meetings weekly. I attend bikram and read all the time ( most recent, Daring Greatly). I’m on this site very frequently and I volunteer at a recovery gym. Yes, I often wondered why I would permit someone in who has so much negative energy and anxiety.
The Caveat – My Daughter:
My adult daughter is a junior in college and is engaged to be married, for the second time, to a different man (after cheating on the first). As her only parent for most of her life, she and I have been pretty close, except when role of Mom took precedence over role of friend; it’s not been an easy road.
My daughter and my guy “friend (?)” have known each other as long as I’ve known him, obviously. Last May, they had an met at a party (randomly) where they got drunk, high on coke and had sex. I found out about it within a few days as my daughter couldn’t stand the guilt. I cut them both out at that time as I was incredibly hurt. I spent the summer reading, contemplating and working on forgiveness. With time, each slowly worked their way back into my life. I received sincere and seemingly genuine apologies from each.
This man and I (against my better judgement and my friends advise) became more of “romantic” acouple once again in October. I knew he was an addict but I chose to overlook it. Not wise.
Two weeks ago, on Sunday, he wanted to play pool after our weekly Sunday friend brunch – where he’s had a few too many mimosas – so he could sober up before going home (his parents have thought he was in recovery). Since I”m in full-on competition prep, I could not join him (usually don’t anyway) but my daughter (invited by my other girlfriends…she was part of our group) did join him. They proceeded to get really, really drunk. I always attend Bikram on Sundays so, after a few games of pool, I excused myself (I was their ride however and would have to pick them up) and went to yoga. When I returned I could tell something happened. In fact, I felt it in Bikram, but, I decided at that time they were adults; I would not suffer again – I would make my decision and stick with it. The truth came out Monday morning via my daughter again, they had oral sex. Yes, I was angry.
The Afermath:
I’ve cut him completely out and will keep him out. That boundary is set. I’ve also spoken with his mom ( who drug me back into his life the first time) and told her everything, asking her to please respect my wishes and leave me be; to never, ever contact me on his behalf.
I’ve also cut my daughter out. There have been no apologies, no regret and no remorse from either one.

The questions:
My daughter is still getting married in two months ( her fiancee has forgiven her..calling it a one time mistake), I have told her I will not attend her wedding because she is not ready, her actions speak much louder than her words. Others have also cancelled after she told them including her maid of honor, parents of the flower girl and one of my good friends who was doing her cake.
I feel quite badly but believe I’ve made the right decision to NOT attend her wedding, have I?
Also, what do I tell my parents? What about her Fiancee’s parent’s? Do I just let it ride and stick with my decision alone, letting the rest materialize as the universe sees fit? I want to be most prudent in my decision that will help all move forward in the most healthy manner possible.
I wish no ill will on either one. But I would that I be treated with the respect of a loving human. This will require boundaries…I’m just not sure how many or how far I need to set them to ensure this messy situation is handled as well as it can be. I try to think in terms of if it will matter in a year. The questions I ask will matter in a year so how I handle it now is most key.
Thank you so much for taking time to read my story and help me solve my dilemma.