Mark, thanks for your kind engagement with me on this stuff.

How much do you think we can influence our partners? I ask this question, because I wonder if by sharing my experiences and learnings, perhaps this woman may reconsider whether there is a “one” or “soulmate with perfect empathy” or whatever phrase. It seems that the belief that there’s a perfect person who fits us perfectly without effort is really common, and a lot of people believe it. Maybe that’s a tough belief to let go of, but it is in putting that nonsense aside that a really great relationship can be formed (and “soulmateness” can be created). At least that’s what I think.

Mark, certainly your observation of my pattern of choosing women who cannot work with me and work on themselves has applied to these last two relationships. It hasn’t always been the case, so I’m not sure if it’s coincidence or if there’s really something in my subsconscious that is driving that.

Anita, let’s go for the win-win!  The second woman shared parts of her story and memories with me that were so important to her, she was moved to tears. I think she shared things with me she hadn’t told anyone else. Also, when she was in a calm and attentive mood, she was a remarkably focused and present listener, and in those times, I felt heard and validated by her.

In more general terms, what I liked about her: She has a lot of energy, is fun to play and joke with (except by text :))) , is bright, philosophical, and liked to go on mini adventures with me. Also she was an amazing mother, which I admired, or more specifically I admired her devotion to her kids. I also like that she’s a tough woman – she came to the U.S. from a country with a very different language and culture, and made a life here for herself and her kids.

Anita, this will be short, as I’m exhausted from what happened today. Last night I was texting with this woman. She told me unequivocally that she didn’t want to work it out with me. Twice she said it. I wished her well and told her I hoped she had much happiness in her life.

This morning I canceled my airline tickets. She and I had planned to go on a grand excursion to her home country in a couple weeks. But I had understood that she did not want to work it out with me. That’s what she said. Not an hour after cancelling the tickets, she texted and asked if I’d canceled my tickets. I said Yes. She said “You are not my destiny. Last night I had the thought that we should go on the trip together and try to work it out.” I said “Great, I’ll buy new tickets. Maybe I can even stop the cancellation. I just did it.” She said “No, God had given her a clear answer.” Basically, if we were meant to be together, I would not have cancelled the tickets even though she had said she didn’t want to work it out with me.

Maybe there’s a way to work it out with her. I don’t know. Right now I can’t even think about it. I just feel so tired and I want to breathe and rest.

Mark,

I agree with you on all points. Something in me shifted when she did that jerking around stuff.

She lives near me now but comes from another country. We were going to visit her country for a week and then return here. It doesn’t matter though – I only say that to give a clearer picture of the situation.

“Maybe there’s a way to work it out with her” were words spoken out of my anxious attachment style, yes, and real fatigue (and therefore foggy thinking). I have to stay away from her as I think things seem to be getting worse fast.

Thank you, Mark.

Dear Anita, Thank you. I appreciate your mirror and your input greatly.

“Then she thought to herself (if her account is honest): maybe it is not over. She didn’t know. So she asked god to let her know and he (or she) has let her know. So now she knows. For now, she knows. ” (your words, my italics).

Ouch. I’ll have to brace myself for her possible return. I’d love it to be true that I’m so together and so detached that I won’t let myself be pulled back in. It may indeed be that I won’t let myself get pulled back in, but I expect I’ll have to get clear with myself how to respond if she reappears. I expect that she will. So that’s work that I have to do.

I often wonder how much one can work with one’s partner (and in complete fairness, how much can a partner work with me?). When do we leave somebody? When do we try to draw on compassion and patience and try to help a partner when we think their thinking is distorted, etc.?  I don’t think we ought to leave a relationship just because it hurts, because I think that there are painful times in healthy vibrant relationships too. Maybe the answer has something to do with there being an overall feeling of safety and reliability and good will. There may be some good will on my ex’s part (in my most generous appraisal), but I don’t feel safe (emotionally) around her – I was becoming increasingly nervous that she would get triggered into another silent treatment, or temper display. The word eggshells comes to mind.  Just my musings.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Craig.