Anita,

A pattern, and my interpretation goes something like this: She will text me something that she thinks is a joke. I don’t realize that it is a joke and respond if it she just said something serious. She will then say “You are not funny” and “We don’t have the same sense of humor.” Then she does “withdrawing” behaviors such as cutting off the texting, saying good bye without the usual affectionate emoticons, and significantly reducing texting the next day.

These behaviors indeed seemed “angry” to me, and I guessed that they are driven by the fear that she will not be understood in a deep way that she wants. I’m not saying, of course, that her behaviors will get her what she wants. Probably her behaviors, unless she changes them, will make it very difficult for her to have a sustained, close, relationship where she feels deeply understood.

These are only my guesses. The collapse of the relationship seemed to happen so fast that we never got deeply into what was going on with her when she would withdraw.

Mark, thank you for your input. I really get what you’re saying about how the way I phrased things isn’t really the point. People stumble over words and communication all the time, I think, and in healthy communication, both parties work to get clarity in a way that is gracious and supportive. I am coming closer to the conclusion that I wish I weren’t true, which is my belief that this woman isn’t particularly interest in discovering or fixing behaviors that undermined our relationship. I might differ from your point of view a little bit, in that I think there are people whose love or desire for the relationship to succeed, will motivate them to try to listen to their partner and change behaviors to meet their partner’s needs. Heck, I think I’m one of them. But I understand if your experience has been different.

Anita, thank you for your thoughts. Yes, this text-joke-withdraw pattern has occurred many times. Several times I have wondered due to many behaviors (such as the text-joke thing and others) if she has been trying to prove to herself that I’m not compatible with her, and therefore she should withdraw. I imagine that the fear driving her frequent testing of me is the fear of getting close to me, because then she might get hurt. It’s easier to present lots of tests and challenges that can’t possibly be passed and conclude I’m not a guy she wants to be with, than risk being vulnerable to me. It’s my best guess as to what this is about.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Craig.

Abubin, thank you for posting. I don’t see avoiding as having to do with issues per se, but rather avoiding intimacy. I think people can and do change, as I have changed myself and I have seen others change themselves. In fact, change is one of the few things we can rely on in life, I believe. Whether my ex is motivated to change herself is what I’m trying to gauge. It doesn’t look likely, but I haven’t made my final conclusion yet. Without her doing some work on her habit of retreating into silence, I can’t see being with her again.

Dear Anita and Mark and Abubin and others who have followed this thread, thank you for your presence and thoughts. I could go on a long time discussing these issues, as I have a strong belief that understanding the mind and relationships makes it possible to learn better relationship skills and hence have healthier relationships.

At this point, I am going to pause my posts on this thread (unless something significant materializes) so that this thread doesn’t keep going to the top and push other threads down. As I catch my breath, I would like to participate more in some of these other threads.