April 20, 2023 at 8:39 am #417493
I found out my partner of 2 years has been micro-cheating (i.e. talking to women on the internet, claiming he is in an “open relationship” which is definitely not the case). It has been confirmed there is more that I don’t know about, so I have ended things and told him to move out.
Earlier in the relationship he had mentioned has been an issue for him in the past, but said he was too in love with me and worked on himself too much for it to be a problem now. He has a very dark history of repeated sexual abuse as a child and this has given him a warped relationship with sex. I love him, but he wasn’t healthy and/or ready to be in a relationship. I am attached to what could have been, but I’m very aware this was leading somewhere much worse, so I ended things.
He is now trying multiple styles of therapy (group, individual, EDMR) to address this issue head on for the first time. He is devastated (close to suicidal although assures me this won’t happen) and I know he wishes he could fix things, though he has been good enough not to ask for that outcome.
My problem is that I am still invested in his journey and development, I want him to get better so badly, even if it means a healthy relationship with someone else. On many levels I already know what I need to do, but I want to hear from people who maybe have been through something similar, were you ever able to keep a friendship?
I know he’s not going to get better overnight, or even in a linear manner, and I refuse to be collateral. But I also want him to know he has someone in his corner for life, without him confusing this with hope for a reunion.
Anyway, any advice/commiseration is appreciated.
EApril 20, 2023 at 8:41 am #417494
Hi moderators – I forgot to change the title before I hit submit. Not sure if possible but if this could be edited to be “broke up with my partner for micro-cheating, CSA warning” that would be great.April 21, 2023 at 12:04 pm #417660RobertaParticipant
I am friends with my ex’s. One in particular which was a bit on & off plus he had issues. When we split up I did loving kindness mediation/ mantra nearly every time I went out for a walk I held him & me in my heart and used sentences like may we be filled with loving kindness and may we be happy, as I too thought like you that I would rather him be happy in a relationship with some one else than be unhappy in one with me. A short while later he told me about the new lady and I then added her name into the mantra so that I was holding all three of us in my heart simultaneously. When I met her a couple of months later we became good friends and have remained so for more than a decade.April 24, 2023 at 8:30 am #417693StellardustParticipant
Any person who is actively cheating (lying, deceiving, secretive etc.) be it micro or any other definition on you, is not loving you.
A person who truly loves you would not behave in such a manner towards you. Ever. A person who is a real friend would never do that to you either. He was secretly dishonest with you.
You did well by asking him to leave. That took courage. You broke up with him. That took resilience.
You say you are invested in his journey and development. This attachment you have for him is playing you. You are not his therapist, you are not his friend. He cheated on you in all secrecy. Invest in yourself and your development away from this situation.
Heal yourself first. Your question should be what have I learnt about myself from this experience instead of asking yourself about keeping a friendship..
I wish you the best in moving on.April 29, 2023 at 9:55 am #417924appletreegardenParticipant
you have a shell/armor spirit that protects you and draws a line
but you also have a very strong spirit that values to remain a true ally/friend
both these spirits are very valuable! your very difficult job is to fully merge them so without one compromising the other!!
(like Roberta and Stellardust mention each 🙂 )
this is a journey, i don’t know if there is an easy, clear answer and how the future will look like.
but maybe these two spirits of yours can guide you to find other/new precious qualities in a future relationship, because you already have them in yourself
kind regards 🌼April 29, 2023 at 11:07 am #417940appletreegardenParticipant
oh i kind of hit reply but i was more like pondering about you, but not because of being able to help or something :/May 25, 2023 at 4:52 am #419188
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I have just come back to this post and I really appreciate taking the time to reply, I got something valuable out of each response.</p>
I still miss him but I know I’m doing the right thing for my peace and making room for something genuine.May 25, 2023 at 5:00 pm #419196HelcatParticipant
It’s good to hear that you’re doing the right thing for your peace and making room for something genuine.
Your ex is on a very long journey. It’s really not easy to get through that type of trauma. It’s good to hear that he is working on it for himself and any future partners.
Wishing you all the best! 🙏