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back to controlling mom’s house at age 30?! 23 missed calls while on date!!

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  • #383656
    D
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    So I recently moved back in with my mom (temporarily) out of necessity. She is helping me take care of my 20 month old daughter as I am a single mom. I am finding it hard to deal with her controlling personality and with the emotional weight of moving back to my mom’s house at age 30.

    My mom is adamant that she wants me to feel like it is my home just as much as hers, but does things that make me feel utterly powerless. Some examples include:

    • Re-arranging the furniture in the room me and my daughter live in without warning or consent, stating it will be better and more comfortable that way for us.
    • Re-folding the clothes I have brought a different way in the closet because she feels it’s neater that way.
    • Cutting my daughter’s hair without talking to me first because she felt it was getting long.
    • Deciding what to buy at the grocery store and planning meals without my input.

    And the <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>kicker</span>… She has been supportive of me going out on dates ever so often. I leave for a few hours in the evening while she watches my daughter and puts her to sleep. Last night this happened, I got to the date at 7:45pm, went to dinner, a romantic walk, which ended with some kisses at the end. When I got in my car I see 23 missed calls from my mom. This was 10:45, the missed calls spanned in a 45 minute period. When I called her back, frightened that something was wrong with my daughter, she said she was worried sick about me that I wasn’t picking up.

    I got home to a lecture about being “out so late” and not picking up her phone calls. She said I should have kept my phone out the entire date in case she called to check in. Am I missing something or is this utterly ridiculous? A 30 year old woman on a date with a grown man monitoring her phone in case her mommy wants to check in? What if I was planning to have sex on my date, I should pick up the phone while doing that?

    Maybe I’m missing a perspective here so I just wanted to get some opinions, any replies will be greatly appreciated.

    #383675
    anita
    Participant

    Dear D:

    I understand your frustration about no longer having your own place, and your mom re-arranging the furniture in your room and refolding your clothes, etc. And calling you 23 times- she must have been terrified that something happened to you!

    All in all, I don’t see any malice on her part, from what you shared so far. If she was in your home rearranging your furniture and refolding your clothes etc., that would be weird and alarming. Not so alarming it being her home, where she has been in the habit of doing what she is doing for years, maybe decades.

    When you found out that she cut your daughter’s hair without your permission, I imagine that you told her to not do that again. If she listens to you and no longer repeats this particular act- that’s a good thing. Does she listen to your input and correct some of her behavior?

    anita

    #383688
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear D,

    I am finding it hard to deal with her controlling personality and with the emotional weight of moving back to my mom’s house at age 30.

    Has she been controlling in your childhood too? Because her actions could be seen as well-meaning, e.g. if she has a lot of time on her hands and she wants to make it as comfortable for you as possible, and then she re-arranges the furniture etc. But even so, I guess the fact that she didn’t tell you beforehand and didn’t ask for your opinion, is a warning sign.

    She might believe she knows better, and doesn’t respect your opinion or your preferences. And this can be hard to deal with, specially if you’re in a fragile place emotionally at the moment, and could use her support rather than this subtle form of dismissal (if this is what you feel is happening?)

     

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