April 26, 2023 at 7:38 am #417740TennesseeParticipant
Ever since I confronted my mother about her abuse, she hasn’t wanted to have a conversation with me since. After that conversation, it was easier for me to move on and get over things. But now, she wants nothing to do with me. It’s one thing if I lived on my own, but I’m currently living with my parents. The other night at dinner I realized how estranged we all are. They sat as far away from me at the table as they could and refused to acknowledge or engage with me while we had dinner. I get treated like I’m not related to them. I am talked over, and ignored…I have wondered for a while why I’ve felt so nonexistent and invisible and realized that this could be why. This behavior is hurtful, but at this point, I’m so used to it, it’s become normal. I hardly see myself as a member of my family anymore, and I get the feeling that they don’t either.
I do communicate, I try to start polite conversations. I apologize when I do wrong. I give compliments when I feel it and want to be engaging. I say thank you. I do my best to be polite and civil; I’m a very nonconfrontational person so I make an effort to get along or peacefully share space. I help out around the house and contribute, help if they need it. But living here causes me a lot of stress, it’s very uncomfortable to live with people who can’t stand you, don’t love you, offer support or interest, ignore your existence unless they want something or to talk at you, and don’t approve of you. My stress is at the point it’s affecting my physical health. I had a surgical procedure last month.
I’m trying to put together an exit plan, but with inflation and housing being so expensive, I haven’t been able to get solutions to find different housing. I’m working on this on my own. I don’t have friends, I don’t have a support network…I feel like I’m facing everything on my own. Which is what I’m used to but it makes things a lot harder. I’m isolated because I live in the country. I’m trying to heal and find ways to manage and cope with my PTSD, while also trying to find solutions to get to a healthier living environment.
Does anyone have any ideas? What are people doing these days for housing? As much as they hate me and hate having me here, it’s like they don’t want me to leave, either. Or be independent. I want to be independent. There is nothing I want more than to be as far away from here as I can be, and living my own life as my true self.April 26, 2023 at 11:09 am #417753RobertaParticipant
Wow you were so brave to call your mum out on her behavior. I lived with my parents for many years and mum & I could fight even when we were on the same side! Our mums appear to hold onto a grudge and both use silence as a weapon even when the olive branch is offered. I moved out several times ( I own the property with my parents).
I basically came back fulltime (2016)to help mum when her cancer returned and dad has dementia. She died peacefully in August 2021 with me at her bedside.
On retreat in 2009 I realised that the chances of my mum changing were very slim so it was up to me to change how i think & cope with the situation. Yes I fail many times, but the buddhist teachings have helped and continue to help me be a better happier, kinder & wiser.
On a practical help. Have you looked into intentional communities , co-housing and or tiny houses? Also short term there is a site called workaway where you swap room & board for about 25hours a week work, the jobs and locations are varied so the world is your oyster.April 29, 2023 at 8:30 am #417839appletreegardenParticipant
this sounds like a very hostile, cold and actually inhuman environment
i have no ideas where you could move to or how at all… 🙁
but when you come from a family like this, you really need a significant mental+physical distance to see things clearly. but your parents beliefs seem to be very strong / close to their core, so maybe neither of any of you can help here
as Roberta mentions buddhist teachings or when you think of any monks/nuns: they seek distance to their old life, they don’t start meditation amidst of a turbulent city center or amidst of the sea. also you must truly care for yourself before you can truly help/care for others… and eventually some day including your parents…
i really hope you can find a solution 🙁